I've Gotta Be Me and I've Gotta Be Free

To quote Matthew Sanford, "Wonderful things happen a little at time." These past 11 months on my mat with the incredible compassionate, loving, humorous and skillful Pat Donaher (along with wonderful yoga teachers in the Boston Yoga Tribe) and on the KMI Body Work table of David Vendetti has brought about a transformation that in my wildest dreams I never thought was possible. I experience a whole new relationship in my mind/body connection. I have access to feeling a sense of peace, calm, strength, gratitude and joy especially after my individual yoga lesson with Pat.

We worked on elbow proprioception today. As I email'ed Pat about what I wanted to work on today, I realized that there is a disconnection in my mind/body relationship when it comes to my arms and elbows. Part of it comes from the damage done by the polio and part of it comes from beatings from my alcoholic father. The instinct for survival is stunning to observe. I had to disconnect and shut down my arms and let them go limp because instinctively I knew that if I fought back, I risked having my arm broken or worse... Having Pat bear witness to how that experience affected me and then having him guide me through yoga poses to heal that experience is one of the greatest gifts in my life.

I am now keenly aware of how I experienced touch deprivation and the only touch I did know was through violence. Matthew Sanford provides for me an incredible healing story and knowledge that the mind/body relationship is healed through embracing nonviolence. "The energetic realization is a realization of nonviolence." He asks himself if he had a choice to not abandon his body when he was 13 years old in the face of overwhelming trauma; he answers the question when he points out that the very silence that separates is the silence that integrates when we are finally able to go into the silence.

Today's practice with Pat focused exclusively on upper body work. It was a painstaking yet incredibly exhilarating process for me. Part of me wanted to jump right into being able to do dolphin arms elbows up/elbows down but I know that just as you can't play a concerto without first learning scales, you can't get into a pose without building a strong foundation. That's where the risk for injury comes into play. We went through what I like to call yoga scales - repeating movement, after movement, after movement. I became aware of where the energy stopped flowing to my hand and fingertips. It's really kinda cool to identify where the damage is and then to close my eyes and feel energy flow out to my fingertips. The icing on the yoga cake so to speak came when Pat improvised with a movement to stimulate the connection. He had us do a partner move which involved gripping each other's hands engaging all the fingers on my hand and going into a back bend. How magical for me to experience connection and strength through touch rather than destruction and violence. While Pat has flown me before and I felt the incredible exhilaration, today I was able to hold the awareness of what my body has been through with the opportunity to now transcend it. Integration is a beautiful process.

I said to Pat that I am embracing the way that I modify vjersana (sitting back on heels) with two blocks. I told him that if that's the way I have to do it for the rest of my life, so be it but I want to be patient and know I can't force it. He said "You cannot get to the next level until you fully embody the level you are at" and added how I am someone who is just now learning to embody my physical experiences and my Being. I've gotta be me.

By the end of practice, I was able to identify how I can modify when dolphin pose is cued. I can choose if I want to work on strength or proprioception - yogi's choice or if I am feeling really strong on a particular day, go for it. I realized that in the sequence that David called last week, I didn't feel that my practice was my own because rather than withdraw into what I needed for me during the sequence, I was trying to 'do' the sequence. I've gotta be me and I've gotta be free.

I am almost finished with my second read through of "Waking" and it has shifted the way I approach my yoga practice. It is wonderful to land poses without a doubt but for me right now, in addition to the poses and breath, my practice is focusing on integration and feeling a sense of wholeness. I told Pat I want to live fully in my body. I want to experience the fullness of my mind/body connection even when that takes me into a painful awareness of what my body experienced. As I was bringing my elbow down to the mat, Pat told me to trust it; engage my core and allow the connection to happen to my arm. I had a flashback and after I was able to gently put my elbow on the mat reclaiming what once was lost, I got up on my knees and took a deep breath which washed it away. It bears repeating - I am reclaiming my body - all of it. I am very patient. I am incredibly grateful. I wanna live not merely survive and the only path I can walk is my own. I've gotta be free. I've gotta be me and I can smile and say that 'me' is awesomeness wrapped up in one phenomenal package.

With love and gratitude
Namaste
Mary

May All Beings Be Happy and Free