It's My Turn

Lyrics to It's My Turn

I can't cover up my feelings
In the name of love
Or play it safe
For a while that was easy
And if living for myself
Is what I'm guilty of
Go on and sentence me
I'll still be free

It's my turn
To see what I can see
I hope you'll understand
This time's just for me

Because it's my turn
With no apologies
I've given up the truth
To those I've tried to please

But now it's my turn
If I don't have all the answers
At least I know
I'll take my share of chances
Ain't no use of holding on
When nothing stays the same

So I'll let it rain
'Cause the rain ain't gonna hurt me
And I'll let you go
'Though I know it won't be easy

It's my turn
With no more room for lies
For years I've seen my life
Through someone else's eyes

And now it's my turn
To try and find my way
And if I should get lost
At least I'll own today

It's my turn
Yes, it's my turn
And there ain't no use in holding on
When nothing stays the same

So I'll let it rain
'Cause the rain ain't gonna hurt me
And I'll let you go
'Though I know it won't be easy

It's my turn
To see what I can see
I hope you'll understand
This time's just for me

Because it's my turn
To turn and say goodbye
I sure would like to know
That you're still on my side

Because it's my turn
It's my turn

It's my turn
To start from number one
Trying to undo
Some damage that's been done

But now it's my turn
To reach and touch the sky
No one's gonna say
At least I didn't try

As I move deeper into my yoga practice, I am deepening my mind/body connection. As I have so often said, I am so blessed and grateful to have Pat Donaher as my tour guide on this amazing journey to heal trauma and polio. I sent Pat an email before our lesson this morning and he asked me which of the 3 things I wrote him about I wanted to focus on. I told him my main focus is to get the sensation of my heel especially my left heel and opening up from lunge into Warrior II. Somehow, he was able to incorporate all of the elements I had wanted to work on in today's practice. I am constantly amazed by Pat's ability to improvise and take me to places I did not ever believe I could get to in mind, body and spirit.

One of the phrases Pat uses which is becoming my mantra is "Don't think. Move". Today he reminded me to not project into the way something might go and to focus on moving in the present. It's easy for me and my body to remember what was. I suggested to Pat that I pretend I have amnesia and he appropriately replied, "amnesia isn't real because the body always remembers." He has reminded me, "until you embody where you are, you can't move to the next level." I'd like to skip over the body memories of trauma, polio, surgeries and being in a cast which results in great difficulty feeling fluid movement as I bend and straighten my knees but once I move through them literally and figuratively, I am free to create new muscle memory and new patterns in movement.

It is utterly amazing to me the strength which comes with breath and having someone who is compassionate, skilled, with a delightful sense of humor, and who knows when to push me in a loving supportive way. Pat allows me to take risks with my body. As we moved through engaging the parts of me that held a lot of trauma, I began to sweat. If there is a weak connection (like to my heel or the inside of my left foot), it is easy for me to fall out of a pose and lose everything. Pat reminded me today to use what I have. Engage aductor, abs, breath and hold steady. He lovingly said it's time for my left leg to grow up. He's right.

It's been 53 years in the making but it's my turn. It's my turn to experience and identify the effects of the polio and to find creative ways to maximize sensation and to use the muscles which remain in tact. One of my goals is to be able to hop to the front of my mat. Pat took me through several sequences helping me to identify which muscles I need to engage for hopping. He had me walk an inch at a time holding out my breath to the front of my mat so I could pull in my abs. He had me go into a 3 legged dog and then take graceful hops landing light. When I hopped on my right leg, I was able to land light. As I hopped on my left leg, I could feel where I got stuck. My hip was extremely tight and there was a lack of a smooth neurological connection going down my leg. Pat had me do side abs to engage the sensation necessary to begin to make this connection.

It's my turn to release the trauma and to allow new ways and waves of movement to happen in my body. The emotions of sadness and pain co exist with the joy of living fully in my body. It is incredibly joyful to feel strength and to feel my body move in a way it could not move before. I work hard at this, but there is also a sense of play and the rewards are phenomenal. Freedom. A sense of mastery. A sense of vibrancy throughout my whole being as doors once tightly locked shut are opened with a breath of fresh air moving through bringing new life to my cells, tissue and muscles. There is a feeling of balance on and off the mat. There is compassion, love, awareness. With arms open wide to embrace every moment of every day I say, "It's my turn."

With overwhelming love and gratitude
From my heart to yours,
Mary