Welcome to a New World

Here Comes the Sun-Casting Fear in a New Light

2012-02-16T05:19:00.000-08:00

At the end of Tuesday's bodywork session with Joseph Welch, we talked about fear. He said that we typically want to squelch fear seeing it as part of the ego but when we experience fear, we are expressing a care and concern for our own safety. I had never thought of experiencing fear in that way. Fear was something that I wanted to squelch or run away from or like the diagnosis of post polio syndrome, it was something I was going to conquer. Of course none of these responses to fear would allow the fear to heal and dissipate. Fear can get a bad rap. False evidence appearing real and all that. Sometimes I get really down on myself for feeling fear and frustrated that at times my body still holds the fear of the past. As Joseph wisely pointed out to me, "Yes the body can remember and this means it can also learn."

As the curtain rises on the second act of my second act with the release of my 3rd book of inspirational poetry, "Songs of Freedom:Poems from a Healing Odyssey," (and it is only the first volume); submitting my application for teacher training at South Boston Yoga, and working with Lindsay Gibson of Majestic Yoga Studio to promote and assist with A Weekend with Matthew Sanford, I am having a wonderful opportunity to explore the role that fear plays in my life.

During this morning's meditation, fear came to me. I have been befriending my fear. When that solar plexus clutch hits, I examine the thoughts that are associated with the feeling. I have gone deep into this exploration to allow myself to realize that the root of the fear is where my healing and treasure lies. A part of the process is to acknowledge the fear right where it is presenting itself and then begin to untangle the knot until I get to the heart of the matter.

In Peter Levine's book, "In An Unspoken Voice:How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness", he shares the myth of Medusa. In the Greek myth, those that looked directly into Medusa's eyes turned to stone. The hero, Perseus is advised by Athena to have a shield on his arm to reflect the image of Medusa and he was able to cut off her head without looking directly at her. Out of Medusa's wound, two mythical entities emerged. One, Pegasus the winged horse and the one eyed giant Chrysaor, the warrior with the golden sword. Pegasus symbolizes transformation through the living body and the golden sword represents penetrating truth and clarity.

I used to 'punish' myself saying I was being silly for when I would project feelings of fear onto a present situation. I tried to run away from the fear; talk myself out of the fear with a 'reality' check in the present situation but it's only since I can honor the 'reality' of the fear in the present, that I can find the root of the fear using the shield to deflect from the sheer terror I experienced in the original traumatic events. Once the energy bound in the fear is unleashed, there is a new sense of vitality and being alive.

In today's yoga practice with Todd at South Boston Yoga, I felt myself moving with an intention and a focus I hadn't experienced before in my practice. I felt a deep commitment to myself and the practice with no expectation other than to be fully present in my body. I used the power of my breath to cleanse and to support me in poses. I honored and allowed my left leg to tremble after the 3rd half moon pose and felt comfortable needing to come down for a rest in a long held one leg split dolphin pose. I did not want to run away from being in my body nor did I fear what Todd was going to cue next. I stayed grounded and rooted in the present. It was a very challenging class and one which strengthened my body. I welcome feeling the soreness that comes from today's practice realizing that I am getting stronger in mind, body and spirit.

Love and compassion bathe the wounds from the traumatic events and slowly, my body begins to know the joy of safety and peace and being alive. Tears flow honoring the pain of what I have lived through and then here comes the sun. There's a feeling of vibrancy and celebration for the strength it took and takes for me to move beyond trauma and bask in the warmth and glow of the present moment. Yup - Here Comes the Sun - and it's all right!

May all beings be happy and free.
With deepest love and gratitude
From my heart to yours
Mary

Be sure to check out all of the exciting things happening in my world on my News and Events page.

In The Silence The Flower of Compassion Blossomed

2012-02-15T10:09:00.000-08:00

Compassion: wanting others to be free from suffering. So compassion is the definition of the highest scope of motivation. It is said that to generate genuine compassion, one needs to realise that oneself is suffering, that an end to suffering is possible, and that other beings similarly want to be free from suffering. http://viewonbuddhism.org/compassion.html

"Nirvana may be the final object of attainment, but at the moment it is difficult to reach. Thus the practical and realistic aim is compassion, a warm heart, serving other people, helping others, respecting others, being less selfish. By practising these, you can gain benefit and happiness that remain longer. If you investigate the purpose of life and, with the motivation that results from this inquiry, develop a good heart - compassion and love. Using your whole life this way, each day will become useful and meaningful." - Dalai Lama

"I have never seen anyone truly become more aware of his or her body without also becoming more compassionate. On the flipside, when we become more disconnected from our bodies, we become more self-destructive. Each day, as I practice connecting my mind and my body, I am able to feel a more compassionate path. I wish the same for you." - Matthew Sanford

Having experienced so much violence and trauma during my childhood, I had internalized feelings of shame, guilt, and unworthiness. I felt that as a wretched person I was undeserving of love, care and compassion. I disconnected from my mind body relationship. I would give to others to the point of exhaustion in an attempt to heal my own wounds and somehow prove I was a worthwhile person. My body had to shut down almost completely to get my attention and put me on a different path.

When I had my first appointments at Spaulding Rehab Hospital International Rehab Center for Polio, I remember that more than any intervention they offered me, it was the look of compassion in their eyes for what I was experiencing that made the biggest difference in my life. I began to take this in and wonder if perhaps I could experience some compassion for myself. These past five years have brought me right to this moment where I am so blessed to be among compassionate healers and teachers.

When I first experienced Pat Donaher in my individual yoga lesson last March, I experienced his compassion for what I had been through and together we move beyond the suffering into joy, peace, laughter, hard work, frustration at times, tears but I am no longer bound and caught up in that sense of suffering that immobilizes the mind, body and soul. As you my regular readers know, Pat referred me to his teacher David Vendetti for bodywork. The wall of fear was long and wide and deep. At times I would present for a bodywork session literally shaking in my shoes. But over time with David's love and compassion expressed through a look, his hands and his heart, I internalize compassion to heal.

Yesterday's bodywork session with Joseph Welch brought me to a whole new experience of compassion. As I continue to reflect on the session and integrate the experience into my Being, I realize that in the silence that we shared, the flower of compassion blossomed. Last night in a dream, my body and mind were once again freed to allow a particularly difficult traumatic memory to surface. The body sensations were palpable but I was able to breathe through them and transform them. When the alarm went off at 5 am for Pat's Rise 'n Shine Yoga class, my thought was "Don't Think. Move" and off we went to class.

I was amazed at how much lighter and freer I felt in today's class. One of my favorite moments was when Pat had us hold a block between our wrists and one between our ankles to strengthen the muscles in our back. He quoted Ana Forrest who would say "You're gonna hold this pose until you let go of your sh**t." He didn't have us hold it that long but as I trembled not from fear but from strength I smiled and said to myself, "Let it go girl." Interestingly enough, I was able to hold standing balance poses with greater ease.

As the pain of trauma is transformed into compassion, my body is no longer weighed down with the anchor of feelings of self loathing, harsh judgements, shame and feeling damaged. Tomorrow I submit my application for yoga teacher training at South Boston Yoga. Tears of joy and gratitude, excitement and a twinge of anxiety accompany the application. I feel so blessed and grateful for this opportunity to deepen my mind body connection through my yoga practice, continue to heal and through my compassionate heart, can bring the gifts from my healing journey to help others to find healing, comfort and compassion in their lives.

Through the Eyes of Compassion - from Songs of Freedom:Poems From a Healing Odyssey now available to download on Kindle

Through the eyes of compassion I heal
an understanding heart who bears witness
rendering unconditional love
tenderness
unexpected kindness
raining on this thirsty soul
sipping on the nectar of life
learning to trust.

Competition, jealousy, doubt, fear
thoughts which sprout from the seed of insecurity
bitter fruit of unworthiness dies on the vine
open heart pulsing with juices of self-love
nourishing my Spirit
bidding her to discover
extraordinary moments.

New sensations explored
excitement coursing through my veins
tasting the sweetness of the Infinite.

Through the eyes of compassion
I find my way Home.

From my heart to yours
With deepest love and gratitude
Mary

Many exciting events coming up. Be sure to visit my News and Events page

Love is....Healing

2012-02-14T05:36:00.000-08:00

Today is Valentine's Day and every day is a day to celebrate love. I have learned on this amazing healing odyssey that all love has to begin with self love. Love and her sisters kindness, compassion and gratitude are what lift me out of the muck and mire of my trauma history into the beauty and goodness of now. I experienced the power of Divine Love today on the bodywork table of Joseph Welch at South Boston Yoga. Very apropros since after all it is Valentine's day.

I went into the session anticipating a wonderful relaxing massage. I was sore from my yoga practice and engaging new muscles. I wasn't focused on this being a session for healing or transformation. I was keeping it at the physical level but as I would quickly learn - there's no such thing. There was a space heater but the room was cool since the heat wasn't working at the beginning of our session. I noticed that I wasn't shivering. Being in a cool room used to be a trigger for my sympathetic nervous system to go into trembling mode. Hmmm not happening today. That's really cool. I attribute this wondrous lack of response to my healing and to Joseph's incredible healing energy. His hands were cold at first and then transformed into incredible heat energy.

Joseph found a powerful body memory on my back on my right side. My body was speaking its Truth. I did not brace against this involuntary spasm but allowed myself to work with Joseph to nourish its healing. When I was first diagnosed with post polio syndrome I would harness the power of visualization to help my physical body heal. I hadn't done it for traumatic memories until today. We did not need to exchange any words. We were both invoking the love and power of Divine love to help me heal. I recalled the memory that my body held and allowed myself to be fully and deeply present in the moment as he worked muscle and fascia to bring new blood flow and life to the wounded area. I also experienced something I had not experienced before. There was a separation between me who experienced the trauma as a child and me as a 58 year old woman so incredibly strong and vibrant offering the wounded part of myself love, compassion and healing. I could feel Joseph's heart was joining me in this intention and again not a word was spoken between us. I felt the clarity of the trauma but it did not trigger the usual reaction in my sympathetic nervous system. Love is...healing.

Joseph asked me if I wanted him to work on my psoas before moving up to my shoulders. The psoas is a muscle that if tight, can cause a whole host of pains and maladies. It is near the hip flexors and near the groin area. Without thought I said that sounded right. Joseph brought his hands to his forehead in prayer before he began the work. As he began, I closed my eyes and visualized releasing the trauma held in my groin. My legs were bent. The room was still cool and as he worked on the left side, no shaking or trembling. As Joseph came to the right side, the trembling began. It was a soft, quiet trembling. I recalled what Peter Levine said in his book, "In An Unspoken Voice:How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness" about trembling and how the body needs to complete the discharge of the energy that was a reaction to the trauma. Peter Levine also talks about the healing power of receiving compassionate touch, in his case during the trauma. I harnessed the power of visualization to join with Joseph's heart energy and healing hands to release the traumatic memories. I gave myself permission to heal believing that I am worthy of the freedom and the love and receiving Joseph's wonderful compassionate touch.

As Joseph moved through the rest of the session I breathed deeply and felt this incredible strength and joy rise up within me. He did some work around my throat and I thought how does he know exactly where I need healing but after all he is a Reikki Master. When I walked into the bodywork room, I had no idea the sacred ceremony that was about to happen in my life. As I said to Joseph after the session, the only words I have are thank you. We took a few moments to chat and tears streamed down my cheeks. I know there is more integration that will happen. For now, I am enjoying feelings of self love, gratitude, healing and peace and a renewed strength and confidence in my path.

Love is...Healing.

My prayer for this Valentine's Day and every day is that you may find love for yourself along with gratitude, compassion and forgiveness in your heart; healing in mind, body and spirit and that grace showers you with Divine Love and guidance. May you dance the dance of Divine Joy as your Spirit rises within you.

Happy Valentine's Day
From my heart to yours
With deepest love and gratitude

Mary

Songs of Freedom:Poems from a Healing Odyssey now available for download on Amazon Kindle.

Jamie and Me - Trust

2012-02-13T16:07:00.000-08:00

"In your love, my salvation lies in your love ... My brother and my sister standing by."

“Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.” - Henry van Dyke

"Songs of Freedom:Poems from a Healing Odyssey" is now available for download on Amazon Kindle and I've updated my website. When I went to yoga class with David Vendetti at South Boston Yoga today, I shared the news. I was surprised by the warm hugs and congratulations I received yet so grateful for the love and support. I'm reminded of the journey our adopted animal companion Jamie has taken with trust.

She had a history of trauma possibly from being abused in her first home, definitely from being out on the streets before making her way to the shelter and then the shelter experience was traumatic for her. We adopted her in October from the Animal Rescue League of Boston. Animals are so much more resilient than we humans as Peter Levine reminds me in his book, "In An Unspoken Voice:How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness." . She has gone from staying in the basement under a desk for the first two weeks eating and using her litter box only at night to making a safe shelter for herself between the box spring of our bed and the cover which she ripped off as a hiding space to slowly interacting with us. Just the other night, she climbed into my lap when I was sitting on my yoga mat and fell asleep. Last night, she jumped up on our bed and snuggled with us. It's only been five months but with our patience, consistent love and allowing her to let us know what she needed and when, she has settled into her new home leaving the trail of trauma behind her.

I have received so many signs from the Universe to trust the path I am on and certainly have received an abundance of unconditional love from David and the yoga tribe at South Boston Yoga. It is still difficult for me to trust in the love. I am letting the walls come down and it's a painful yet exhilarating process. Today during savasana, David read the poem "Metamorphosis" from the book "Poems from the Heart of Yoga:Go In and In" By Danna Faulds. We have had a similar journey in writing poetry. We wrote the poems as a part of our own healing journey and then felt the spiritual nudge to share them. I am not trained in literature or as a poet. My poems come from my heart and from my soul. They are inspired by the Divine. As I was designing the book cover, I found four beautiful photos laid out on my cover page. Mysteriously I received error messages. I decided I was being redirected to change the photo. I found the perfect photo to capture the four elements of earth, air, fire and water reflecting the four chapters in my book in one photo. Amazon Kindle only allows for one photo to be uploaded for the image to accompany the book!

On my way to yoga class today, the car in front of me had a bumper sticker, "She who laughs. Lasts". When I saw Bernie Siegel, MD and his wife years ago at Harvard, this was one of their favorite phrases. I affectionately call Bernie my chosen dad and he calls me his chosen daughter. I first met him in the 1980's. A beloved nurse gave me his cassette tape when I was hospitalized for a bone infection in my shoulder. I am in awe of how the angels have protected me and how earth angels have come to guide me at every turn. I knew this was a sign to email him. I've been a guest on his radio show a couple of times as we talk about the healing power of poetry and the creative process. I asked him if he still had the show and if he'd like to have me back to talk about the latest phase in my healing journey but regardless, I knew that the Universe was telling me to reconnect with him thanking him for all he has done to love and support me. He emailed me back and said he liked the idea of having another poetry session on his show. We scheduled for May 1st.

The synchronicities which now abound in my life take my breath away. I am working with Lindsay Gibson of Majestic Yoga Studio on the Weekend with Matthew Sanford. There was a facebook post about Downward Facing Docs. Boston University Medical School offers yoga as an elective course. I worked with Dr. Chris Streeter, one of the doctors cited as doing research on the benefits of yoga when I worked at the VA. I will be reaching out to her and the team at the Neurobehavioral Science Unit at Boston University Medical Center (one of whom heads the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder clinic at the VA) to let them know about Matthew's visit. The article will be a wonderful segway to promoting Matthew as a guest on WBUR and who knows where else these reconnections may lead....

In today's yoga practice, I felt a greater trust in myself on my mat. I trusted myself to modify and what a blessing to receive feedback from David about the modifications I chose. I know there are some poses that just aren't right for my body right now and rather than pushing or struggling, I let it go. I did take myself right up to the edge with strengthening and opening and love the feeling of sweat dripping from my face. I have learned that when it comes to doing push ups on blocks lowering halfway is plenty for me right now and I can feel the muscle soreness from doing enough but not too much.

Getting acquainted with myself, learning to love and trust myself and then opening up to receive love and support from others is a whole new world for me right now. Tears flow. Joy abounds. Gratitude overflows as the curtain rises on the second act of my second act.

From my heart to yours
In God We Trust
With deepest love and gratitude,
Mary

Labor Pains - Give Me One Moment in Time

2012-02-12T11:07:00.000-08:00

"Expecting the worst, you look and instead, here's the joyful face you've been waiting to see. Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes.
If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed.
Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding.
The two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birdwings." - Rumi

In my morning meditation as I prepared for yoga practice with David Vendetti at South Boston Yoga the words express yourself came to me. What did I want to set for my intention as my practice? I wanted to allow myself to express myself through the beautiful practice of yoga in the sacred setting of South Boston Yoga. Pat Donaher says, "You experience what everyone else experiences just to a greater degree." As anyone moves into a new phase of this amazing journey of life, there is anxiety, doubt and fear. Mine gets magnified by a history of paralytic polio and trauma.

For the past five years I have been on a quest to heal my life and evolve beyond fear, paralysis, a driven Type A personality, self doubt and anxiety into the beautiful Being I have always been. As we entered into the practice today, David had us set our intention for a good practice. I smiled. A good practice for me is translated into moving beyond those self imposed limits that my body experienced as a result of paralytic polio and trauma. I used the analogy in a previous post of what Ana Forrest calls "wet wing syndrome" where, just emerging from the chrysalis, there are feelings of vulnerability and unsteadiness. Today I felt like a baby chick hatching out of its shell as layers of protection fell away. In my vulnerability, I felt incredible strength and empowerment. As David poignantly said, "I see some trembling happening in the room. That's awesome. The trembling allows everything to just fall away." I used to fear the heat rising within me, the trembling and the increased heart rate as I dive deeply into my mind body connection. Now I embrace it. I allowed myself to move to David's enchanting cues yet also being mindful of the choices I needed to make that are appropriate for my body.

I could feel tears well up within me today and during savasana they spilled out. I am becoming aware of how my life blesses and touches the lives of others. I am silencing the voices of those who threatened me if I spoke Truth. To deny one's self expression imposes a form of suffering that leads to suffocation. I am becoming an elder who younger woman are seeking out to talk about healing. I realize the miracle of my journey. So many men and women who are trauma survivors turn to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. I found internal mechanisms to numb the pain through dissociation and disconnection. My addiction was to helping others.

The labor pains of awakening are similar because whatever one chooses to avoid the pain, the pain must be felt and expressed in order for healing to happen. The tears I experienced today were side by side with feelings of freedom, joy, gratitude, vulnerability, strength and feeling fully alive.

Let me just take a moment to honor the memory of Whitney Houston who at last found her freedom. I feel so blessed that I am able to experience freedom in my earthly home. I pray for all those caught in the throes of addiction. As David said in class today, "Go within and find the strength of your Spirit, find your will as you get ready to move into the pose." This healing journey takes tremendous courage and strength. I am so blessed to be surrounded by amazing teachers and healers. I can feel the labor pains as I prepare to take my first yoga workshop weekend with my hero, Matthew Sanford. I just uploaded my 3rd book of inspirational poetry to Kindle, "Songs of Freedom:Poems from a Healing Odyssey". Anyone feels vulnerable when they release their creation. Mine has an extra dollop of vulnerability and anxiety as I move past what was into the freedom of now. Here is a peak at the image which graces the cover of my collection of poems.

Next week I will be submitting my application for yoga teacher training taking another step forward in the second act of my second act. I am giving birth to a new chapter in my life. The work is hard, the journey is sweet and blessed. I know that there will be not one moment in time but many moments in time when I'm more than I thought I could be.

From my heart to yours
With deepest love and gratitude
Mary

Are You Havin' Any Fun?

2012-02-11T10:29:00.000-08:00

You know it's going to be an awesome yoga class when Pat Donaher is sporting a t shirt that says, "Be present. Be playful. Be Divine." Well I know it's always going to be an awesome yoga class when Pat is teaching but today's flow was really special for me. The day is damp and cold which causes my bones to ache. Last night I could feel the pulling of scar tissue on my old incision from reconstructive leg surgery that happens when the weather changes. I am so grateful for this amazing mild winter we've been having so there is no room for complaints. I am merely stating what is. When my alarm went off oh how I wanted to stay curled up in bed. It is counter intuitive to move when you feel pain and I ached everywhere. I have learned that I always feel better once I do my morning breath work, get on my foam roller and begin to wake up my body. As soon as I began my stretches before yoga class today, I could feel the blood flow and the pain begin to dissipate.

Pat begins Saturday yoga with self massage. Today we went from the back of our necks and down our spine. As Pat said, you want it to be intense but not horrible. I could feel warmth begin to spread throughout my body as we brought awareness into our breath and moved into the flow. Today's ab strengtheners were particularly intense or perhaps it's because I was able to engage more fully in the ab strengtheners that I was able to feel a serious burn and I gotta tell you, it is wonderful to have this part of my body awaken. There were several quotable quotes today and one of my favorites was, "When you feel empowerment in your body, life is much easier, and you can feel a sense of freedom."

Reclaiming my body that was 'claimed' by paralytic polio and trauma is beginning to be enjoyable for me. Oh it's hard and painful at times but Pat brings a sense of play to the mat. During the past year, while I appreciated his sense of humor and play, I was so focused on what I needed (or thought I needed) to do in my body that I couldn't let go and enjoy myself. I had a breakthrough moment in class today as I was able to observe that I stiffen when I need to bring my leg through and land my foot to the front of the mat. As soon as I let go, I was able to more easily move through the flow. I am becoming increasingly aware of when I need to put forth effort and when I can let go and feel a sense of ease in my body in various transitions. I feel the slow transition out of a body that remembers and holds trauma and paralysis (physical and metaphorical) into a body that is free.

Pat cued us to pick up our foot and tap our wrist three times before bringing the foot all the way through to land on the mat. He said, "Just make an honest effort." Talk about a light bulb moment for me. Just make an honest effort. Engage the lower abdominal muscles and see what happens. It's supposed to be fun, playful and allowing for exploration of this amazing wondrous landscape of my earthly home. Let go of the struggle girl. Work hard. Do your best and just make an honest effort. I remember my cousin Billy telling me when I was oh about 10 years old that I took life way too seriously; that I should be out playing with my friends. I remember thinking to myself, oh if you only knew... Well, as Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Are you having any fun? Are you living in the present moment, finding ways to be playful and allowing your true Divine self to express itself? It's a whole new world for me but I'm finding my way and it's so wonderful to say with a smile on my face and love and gratitude in my heart, "yes I'm having fun."

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude
Mary

Prepare

2012-02-10T05:17:00.000-08:00

In yesterday's yoga class with Tim Kelleher , Tim talked about the importance of preparing oneself before just going into a pose. He said we all like to just launch into poses but it's important to take time to breathe and prepare. Having been exposed to so much trauma at an early age, my body was always in defensive mode reacting to external events warding off danger. Even though the danger subsided, I was always in a state of readiness but never prepared. Learning how to breathe, prepare and move into a pose serves me well on and off of my yoga mat. Another beloved teacher, David Vendetti talked about not just flinging ourselves into a pose and to always measure what energy we have available before going into a challenging pose.

I am preparing to move into what I affectionately call the second act of my second act. There is a part of me that is still 'scared stiff' and I either want to push through the fear or recoil from it. But my yoga practice teaches me there is another path which is much gentler on mind and body and aligns with Spirit. I am preparing my manuscript, "Songs of Freedom:Poems from a Healing Odyssey" for its debut on Kindle. I will then create a book on Create Space. I move slow and steady breathing through each phase of this process embracing the beautiful gift of poetry in my soul. I detach from any particular outcomes and I silence those voices in my head of who do you think you are. My greatest joy is to share the gift and put my collection out into the Universe to touch hearts and souls. I am also preparing to enter yoga teacher training in August.

I had a tendency to leap before I looked both in relationships and in taking on experiences that were not for my or the highest good. Sometimes I luck out like with my amazing husband of 34 years and in one of these leaping before I looked moments, I ended up running the 2009 Boston Marathon and raising $10,535 for Spaulding Rehab Hospital where I took the first steps on my healing journey. But preparing to run the Boston Marathon meant I had to alter my mind body connection. In preparing to publish my poetry book (and next my memoir, "Why Do Squats Make Me Cry") and preparing for teacher training, I need to deepen my mind/body connection and allow myself to live from a discerning heart and be guided by my Spirit. I go into these experiences with a new found mindfulness instead of seeking out mind or body numbing experiences.

In today's yoga class with Joanne Flaherty at South Boston Yoga, she also used the word prepare. I get it Universe - smile. She talked about finding that balance between effort and ease and surrendering to a pose. I adore the expressive sounds that Joanne makes during the class both for breath and movement. Her breath and sounds invite and invoke me to deepen my practice by going deep within my own mind body connection. I opened hips and groin and allowed myself to explore these areas. I have a sense of curiosity and wonder as I travel into spaces once walled off to protect myself from pain. I am beginning to differentiate and experience more subtle muscle movements. In my practice I am moving out of my mind and into my breath and movement feeling a wonderful sense of joy and freedom.

David and my beloved individual teacher Pat Donaher have been working with me on wheel. Pat helped me to figure out that I needed to do some foundation work in bridge pose before going up into wheel. My hips did not come up parallel and I was not able to propriocept moving my knees and thighs forward, using traction to drag heels back to create a stable foundation. I've been working in bridge pose putting together the elements to eventually move into wheel. There is an in between pose where you come to the crown of your head. Joanne said we had one more back bend and the third one is where the magic is. It sure was. I was able to come up a little bit more than coming to the crown of my head and I felt the spaciousness and strength in the pose. But it's all because I've taken the time to build a strong foundation and prepare....

I am so blessed with magnificent yoga teachers and a loving supportive community that holds the space that I need to be nourished and to nourish myself. I move out thoughts and feelings that no longer serve me. I am rewiring my nervous system. I go from feeling sluggish to feeling vibrant and alive after class. I am living in more and more spaces in my body and expanding the ways that I am able to move. I am learning how to be mindful, and how to discern. Rather than be in a defensive mode of false preparedness, I am learning how to steady myself with breath and strength so that I can enjoy the flow on and off my yoga mat.

From my heart to yours
With deepest love and gratitude
Mary

Safety-When You Believe

2012-02-09T11:03:00.000-08:00

No I promise I am not going to rehash Sunday's Super Bowl loss or win depending on who you were rooting for. This is about a different kind of safety. This is my brain. This is my brain after trauma. It is as though there was a virus like in a computer virus, that creates havoc with the program for feelings of safety, peace, happiness, joy, comfort and believing in how worthy and loveable I am. Through my yoga practice, my individual yoga practice with Pat Donaher, KMI bodywork with David Vendetti and nourishing bodywork with Joseph Welch, I am rewiring and reprogramming a neurological system gone haywire from trauma.

On my way to yoga class with Tim Kelleher, I felt my usual pre yoga anxiety. I could feel how thoughts were surfacing that fuel the anxiety. And then something miraculous happened. I felt an uncoupling of the thought, the anxiety dissipated and I found tears rolling down my cheeks. Ana Forrest talks about the grieving one experiences when we realize that we have been separate from our Spirit. On page 240 of her book, "Fierce Medicine," she says "Transformation can be really exciting, but we have to tolerate an incredible period of vulnerability when we emerge from the chrysalis, unfurling our very wet, very fragile wings. We discover that none of the old rules apply - not even how we nourish our new selves. Leaves don't cut it any more. Only nectar will do. I've learned to recognize that with every change, I'm going to end up in new territory - whether I embrace it, shed my chrysalis and evolve or go down kicking and screaming."

I've gone kicking and screaming but now embrace my moniker "Graceful lady" and am experiencing feelings of grace and integrity as I move into this second act of my second act shedding those beliefs that no longer serve me. Having Tim as a yoga teacher nourishes and supports my transformation. During today's practice, Tim said it's our job during a pose to figure out where we need to focus our breath. Indeed! In addition, I need to figure out what muscles I need to engage and connections that need to fire to help me move into a pose. I was observing what was not connecting making a mental note to bring this into my individual lessons with Pat.

Tim's sequencing was extremely challenging for me. His cues are precise and he enables me to move beyond holding fear and risk new ways of moving but there were neuromuscular connections that were foreign to me. I found myself consciously aware of moving out fear and allowing myself to nourish my nervous system with my breath drinking in the sweet nectar of Tim's Being to fuel my practice. Because my nervous system was overloaded from taking on these new challenges, I experienced a lot of tremors. I felt an incredible sense of safety knowing that even though my nervous system was reacting to the challenge and releasing trauma, I was fine.

I experienced a lot of open and release during today's practice along with strengthening and nourishing myself. It's an odd experience to feel grounded and vulnerable; shaky and safe as I move out what has been comfortable and familiar. I could feel when I began to lose my breath and when my body wanted to go into its default shut down mode. I stayed with it allowing myself to focus on the present moment and be fully in my body. As we went into bridge at the end of class, a part of me felt cooked from the class but I was able to clearly discern feeling cooked from wanting to retreat. During one pose, Tim asked us to consider if we just collapsed because that is where we would experience the greatest sensation or if we collapsed for another reason. As I considered my final back bends of the practice, I needed to discern was I physically fatigued and needed to allow my body to rest, or was I heading into my default shut down mode. I was able to observe and feel the difference. Without pushing or struggling, I went into my final back bend of the day feeling the power in the pose through my heels, the inner line of my legs, pushing my knees to the front of the room and firing the inner thighs together. I felt a strength and a grace in this heart opener as I could feel the tears well up inside.

During savasana I allowed gentle tears to fall. I allowed myself to experience the new muscle memory of the adjustments Tim made during pigeon pose. I allowed myself to release. No need for words or thoughts - just release and rest after allowing my body to open and experience new sensations. On my yoga mat, led by a practice of precise cueing and smart sequencing, I allowed myself to feel a sense of safety while moving out of my comfort zone. Miracles happen when you believe. Who knows what miracles you can achieve!

From my heart to yours
With deepest love and gratitude overflowing
Mary

Namaste

The Mother Lode

2012-02-08T05:10:00.001-08:00

Leaving the house at 5:40 am with the full moon setting in the sky, I'm not quite awake. Joints are aching but I am on my way to yoga class with my beloved teacher Pat Donaher at Beacon Hill Athletic Club knowing that it is a wonderful way to begin my Wednesday. I am so blessed to share Wednesday morning practice with my loving, supportive husband Tom. As I warmed up to prepare for my practice, I could feel how my body was holding a lot of tension from last week's house guest. The Universe sent me a gift in the guise of this person who was the embodiment of my mother as an opportunity to go another layer in healing the sticky residue in my heart and soul of feelings of mistrust, unworthiness, a lack of confidence, and shakiness (physically and emotionally).

I dedicated this morning's practice to my healing and to opening and feeling my strength and beauty. As Pat cued during today's flow he said making it as graceful as you can. I love the synchronicity we share. Last night as I was reading from Peter Levine's book "In An Unspoken Voice:How the Body Heals Trauma and Restores Goodness", I realized that it is important for me to work on turbo dog in my private lessons with Pat. We all know about fight/flight but there is also another reaction to trauma called tonic immobility. While some of the challenges I experience in my yoga practice are related to the neurological consequences of the paralytic polio, many are a result of trauma. Pat called turbo dog as part of today's sequencing. I hate it with a passion but today I focused on how this pose is helping me to get stronger and to heal, moving beyond habitual patterns. Pat reminded us to move from our core. I embodied feeling graceful and felt that today's practice was a reclaiming of my own body and life. With each vinyasa, I was rinsing out the feelings that no longer serve me and breathing in the goodness of my life and who I am. We did squat pose today and Pat had us up level by raising our arms in squat. I felt a sense of wonderful release as with mindfulness and steadiness I allowed myself the experience of raising my arms. I felt the surge of energy and power flow through me.

I thought of what Bernie Siegel has told me about how, what happens to a child before they are 5, has a hypnotic effect on them. The adult's work is to awaken from this trance to the realization of how incredibly loveable and worthy we all are regardless of external influences. One of the statements this person made to me was, "So basically all you do is stay home, take care of yourself and write." Picture the Batman TV show - POW ZAP. I began to question myself, my purpose, people who I trust and love and questioning their love for me. It wasn't just that sentence, it was being in the energy vortex of someone so like my mother who was also a skillful, manipulative predator although actually the word unskilled is more appropriate. If your own mother preys on you and rejects you then man there must be something really wrong with you. To quote Jim Carrey in the movie The Grinch, "Wrong-O".

My mother's rejection and emotional abandonment of me after I contracted paralytic polio was a function of her emotional paralysis and had nothing whatsoever to do with me, my worth and my being loveable. I needed to move this person's energy aside and along with it how my body embodied those traumatic memories. In its place I recall the tenderness, healing and care of my KMI Bodywork sessions with David and Joseph allowing myself to trust in their tender yet strong healing hands and hearts. I trust in my own ability to heal and transform. Every time I come to my yoga mat I allow myself to experience new sensations releasing the old way of being and allow my Divine essence to continue to be unearthed and emerge.

In one sequence, Pat had us turn to the back of our mats. I saw the brilliant reflection of the rising sun off of a building's window. I felt the power of grace in my life and gratitude flowed through every cell of my being. Reading Peter Levine's book is a wonderful guide on my healing journey. I am gaining understanding of the biology of trauma in my own body and how I can restore my sense of goodness, good will, happiness and freedom in spite of or maybe because of what I experienced. Having a warm, funny, insightful, caring and compassionate teacher in Pat is one of the greatest gifts of my life. As I detach from the mother load of emotions that the recent encounter had, I discover that strength, resiliency, courage, compassion, forgiveness and loving kindness are the mother lode of my experiences.

From my heart to yours
With deepest love and overflowing gratitude,
Mary

A Weekend With Matthew Sanford

2012-02-07T08:01:00.000-08:00

"We try to overcome it. That's how our culture deals with trauma and loss."
"That does not help the ordinary you and me. The power of the mind/body connection is that it is ordinary....It's work like everything else in life...Wonderful things happen a little at a time." - Matthew Sanford

Just a little over five years ago, my body shut down. I had difficulty swallowing and breathing. The limp from paralytic polio returned. I had tremors everywhere. Chronic pain and muscles burning along with chronic fatigue ruled my days and sleeplessness ruled my nights. I realized I was at a crossroads in my life. I got quiet and listened to the whispers of my Spirit prompting me to find healing in my broken life. From the outside, my life seemed ideal. I had an award winning job at the VA, a wonderful husband and two healthy children. I realized that the years of the disturbance in my mind/body connection - a result of paralytic polio I contracted as a child and years of trauma from an abusive alcoholic father and the neglect of a drug addicted mother caught up with me.

My healing journey began at Spaulding Rehab Hospital's Post Polio Clinic. It was the first time I talked about the experience of paralytic polio and that I was a trauma survivor. I was so busy taking care of everyone else that I had completely forgotten about taking care of me. The therapists taught me how to take care of me and began helping me to find a mind/body connection. After quitting my job, I began to feel better and went on to run the 2009 Boston Marathon as a mobility impaired runner. It was an exhilarating experience but I had to either deny or alter the mind/body connection in order to train through one of the most grueling New England winters in history.

And then in 2011, my dear friend and neighbor Nicole brought me to my yoga mat. In March, she posted on Facebook that she was going to Matthew's workshop. I didn't pay attention but then there was a post from the Christopher and Dana Reeve Foundation about the work Matthew is doing. I sat up and took notice and sent a message to Nicole letting her know I had plans for the day but could she get me a copy of his book. She suggested that I contact the owner of Majestic Yoga Studio who was hosting a weekend with Matthew Sanford. I have learned on this wonder filled journey to listen to the promptings of Spirit. Sometimes I have taken a detour along the long and winding road but have always found my way back to my healing path.

Lindsay Gibson, the owner of Majestic Yoga Studio who is the embodiment of Divine love, was moved by my story, shared it with Matthew and had him sign his book "Waking" for me. I wrote a book review in my blog last year. Matthew's work has had a profound influence on my healing journey as, through Matthew's journey, I have found the courage to allow my body to speak its truth. With KMI Body Work with David Vendetti and individual yoga lessons with Pat Donaher, they have been my partners on integrating and weaving Matthew's work into my healing journey.

Lindsay told me that Matthew was planning to return to Majestic "next March" and I felt a sense of anticipation and excitement that I would get to meet him. Next March seemed so far away but here we are in February. Matthew's visit is right around the corner. Not only will I be meeting him, I am assisting Lindsay with the publicity for the weekend and will be attending all of the workshops. This is a weekend for every BODY. Whether you are a yoga teacher wanting to explore the depths of your mind/body connection and explore new ways of teaching, a yoga student who wants to be utterly inspired or a person seeking healing in your life, then a weekend with Matthew Sanford is right for you. I know that had I not been introduced to Matthew's work, I would have continued running and ended up with an injury or six as another wake up call to heal and to do the work I needed to do in my life. Come join us for a life changing weekend. You can register at Majestic Yoga Studio's website. There is a 10% discount when you register before 3/3 and yoga teacher trainees receive a 10% discount.

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude,
Mary

Simplicity, Ease and Surrender

2012-02-06T07:27:00.001-08:00

Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us...It was all about letting go of everything."― Pema Chödrön

We have all had them. That moment of self-righteous indignation. How could he or she have possibly done that to me? I opened my heart and home to them and they did that? How could they say that about me on Facebook or in a blog post? Well as my husband so lovingly pointed out, there are one billion users on Facebook and the stream goes at a rapid fire pace so what does it matter? It matters only if I attach myself to it. What purpose does it serve? It serves only as a distraction. Detach. And then it's time to turn inward to do as Byron Katie says, the work. That's when I am so blessed and grateful for my yoga practice especially when it is with Amanda Richter at South Boston Yoga.

I was feeling a lot of tension in my upper body and today's flow just happened to focus on opening the shoulders and upper body. The theme for today's practice was simplicity and ease. As we got into challenging poses, Amanda reminded us to not struggle and fight the pose but settle in using our breath; allow the breath to transform the experience into one of simplicity and ease. And once I surrendered to myself and to the pose, allowing my breath to flow to open and strengthen my body, there was a sense of peace and joy.

Seeing Amanda's yoga practice inspires me. Amanda is pregnant and she is due in a few weeks. She has embodied the changes in her body with such grace. There are always changes happening in our bodies. It is so easy to attach to a particular feeling in my body fearing it is breaking down or I am injured. There are innumerable aches and pains that manifest as a result of post polio syndrome and trauma in this 58 year old 'classic'. It's counterintuitive to move when there is pain but I know that after my yoga practice I feel more awake and vibrant; so much better in mind, body and spirit. It is crucial for me to let go and not attach to what is at any particular moment but allow healing and transformation to happen.

As my beloved teacher Pat Donaher says, "Don't think - move". And so I grab my yoga mat and get myself to class. Even though my beloved teacher David Vendetti is in Prague right now, his words echo across the miles in my ears, "Be thorough with your body." I remain true to my calf stretches, foam roller and self massage balls nourishing myself knowing how crucial it is to put self care front and center. It is so easy to get caught up in drama and lose sight of what is truly important in life. When there is simplicity, ease and surrender that flows and floats with the breath, suddenly everything is in fact so small and that mountain becomes a grain of sand. After all - love is all that matters.

With overflowing love and gratitude
From my heart to yours
Mary

Namaste

Wonder of Wonders!

2012-02-05T10:18:00.000-08:00

During savasana in Pat Donaher's phenomenal yoga flow at Beacon Hill Athletic Club this song from Fiddler on the Roof came into my mind. I felt the wondrous transformation that is happening in my body, in my heart and in my Spirit. I had a huge yoga first today. It did not come in landing a pose. It came when Pat was doing abs strengthening and had us lift our hips. For the first time I felt it - I felt my lower abdominal wall. After countless surgeries and a history of childhood trauma, my abdominal wall came to life. I was pouring sweat from the effort it took to engage this once sleeping part of my body but it happened! And here's the most important thing. I did not push. I did not struggle. I was not trying to overcome. I allowed it to happen from the inside. It was a combination of finding the neuromuscular connection and going into a part of myself that had been numb.

As challenging and 'hard' as yesterday's flow was for me, today's flow was delightful, playful and fun. I felt exhilaration when I was able to do an elbow up elbow down sequence on my right side with leg up in down dog,and honored what I was able to do and not do on my left side. Pat had us flow through a pin wheeling open sequence from front to back of mat and back again. I felt the freedom of moving my arms to pin wheel and the connection to experiencing the pivot of my feet. I felt incredible strength in half moon pose today because I was engaging my thighs as I reclaimed them from an intruder a lifetime ago.

I embraced the feeling of twisting from my core and opening that 'extra half inch' with the inhale and exhale. I moved slowly and deliberately as we moved from twisting chair pose to twisting lunge feeling the power of my core and engaging the power of my thighs. It is miraculous that I can feel connection to parts of me that were once foreign to me. I was a stranger in this land of my physical body not knowing and not wanting to tread into places that were once filled with pain. As the pain moves out, the joy and freedom of movement and embodying my Being move in. To feel that I can fully inhabit my physical body is a miracle. There's a lot more of this wondrous home to explore. More pain may surface but I am getting stronger and the pain diminishes in intensity. There is soreness and physical pain that comes with the journey but there is self care, body work and the healing power of self love and meditation with the healing power of love from my beloved teachers and yoga tribe. As my hero Matthew Sanford says, "wondrous things happen a little at a time." Wonder of wonders!

Peace Treaty - from the soon to be released "Songs of Freedom:Poems from a Healing Odyssey"

Surveying the land as far as the eye can see
expansive opportunity for new life
the seed found her way to the sun
unfolding in a back bend
radiant face to the light
revealing all of her beauty.

Embody and embrace quelling struggles and conflicts
freedom to explore this new territory
where safety reigns queen and pawns no longer exist
the mind remembers gently nudging the body to move along
letting go in peaceful surrender
to this new way of Being.

Peace treaty signed with compassion and loving kindness
wounds bound washed with healing tears
the heart forgives the intruders
sangha surrounds to uphold and honor
the Divinity within
sealed with om shanti.

With deepest love and gratitude
From my heart to yours
Mary

Practice What You Practice - Through the Fire

2012-02-04T04:40:00.000-08:00

She Who Hesitates is Lost - "Swift and resolute action leads to success; self-doubt is a prelude to disaster." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

I am so blessed and grateful to experience the wit and wisdom of Pat Donaher in individual yoga lessons and in his classes. It's a hard road healing trauma and post polio syndrome but the journey is made so sweet by Pat as a loving, compassionate, yet tough when he needs to be for my own benefit guide. In yesterday's individual lesson, we worked on transitioning to Warrior II. There are so many wonderful "Pat-isms" that hold me in good stead both on and off of my mat. Yesterday he said "isolate and then integrate" so he breaks down the movements necessary for the transition. Isolating the necessary steps and then integrating into the whole prevents my neurological system from overloading and when I'm faced with a new challenge on and off my mat, keeps me from becoming overwhelmed. He helped me to understand what muscle groups I needed to fire to pivot and plant my heel. When he observed where I got stuck, he helped me to figure out I need to move from the hip rather than the foot and always, always, always move from the core. I did notice that after challenging my neuromuscular connections, I was unable to land in a 'simple' lunge. I realized my system needed a few minutes to reset. What joy in feeling compassion for myself as I become more aware and awake.

The work in my practice comes from the physical practice with proprioception, strength and opening and opening my mind. Pat will often say to me, "You're stronger than you think." "Trust it, trust it." And two of my personal favorites: "Don't Think Move" and "Your body says yes but your mind says no. I can see it."

I wanted help with the transition from twisting chair to twisting lunge.

I have done it a couple of times in class but I knew I was feeling stuck. I was able to move when I had the right leg to 'lean on' but when it came to having the left leg as the front leg, I froze. I literally froze. In reading Peter Levine's book, "In An Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness, he talks about the concept of freezing with fear and feeling paralyzed in the face of trauma. After yesterday's lesson with Pat I thought that if tadpoles had to stop and think about their journey of transformation, there would not be any frogs. Transformation and moving beyond the fear takes incredible courage and strength but it is also a very natural process. If we look to the animal kingdom, there is an animal instinct to restore the organism to a sense of equilibrium and goodness. Peter Levine speaks to how important it is to have a compassionate other to help with the healing process.

Pat reminded me that I work with what everyone works with only more exaggerated physically and emotionally. He is incredibly supportive of my going into teacher training underscoring how my journey will enable me to teach yoga. Feeling frozen and stuck and moving beyond it to the other side is an incredibly empowering experience. I realize how the same feelings arise within me off the mat as I tend to doubt and second guess myself allowing the 'trauma mind' to take over. Trusting that my left leg has the strength to support me moves beyond the traumatic memory of when I collapsed in gym class. Toward the end of today's practice, I could feel my left quad muscle fatigued and quaking but I didn't collapse. Yes, I am stronger than I think.

During yesterday's individual yoga lesson, Pat suggested I allow only thoughts of sunshine and unicorns. Boy did I need that advice in today's practice. As we entered the practice, Pat talked about the difference between fire and water energy and that if ever we felt wobbly during today's flow, which we might, to allow that fire energy to come up through our core. I found myself feeling angry and realized that I was fighting the process of transformation. I told myself to let go and let it flow. Practice what you practiced yesterday. As a survivor of childhood sexual trauma, there is a strong desire to not ignite the core and the pelvic floor. Um let's just keep it numb and frozen okay? No - it's not okay because to be strong, healthy and whole I need to move out all those feelings and create space for energy to flow. The fire thaws the numbing. The fire ignites the sense of empowerment and purges and purifies the feelings of anger, betrayal and sadness. I remember when I first started working with Pat, I couldn't even take a full deep breath. There was a heaviness and a clunkiness to my movement as I stepped to the front of my mat and moved through a flow as best I could. I am now moving with greater precision, grace and strength. I focus on allowing myself to move from my core igniting with and moving through the fire, to the limit come what may. I practice what I practice over and over and over again moving out of trauma mode into the fullness of my Being.

Dark Night of My Soul -- from the soon to be released, "Songs of Freedom:Poems from a Healing Odyssey"

Winter
Trauma froze the river in my veins
shivering cold
cold intolerance
looks that could kill.
Shallow breaths
near death
in a self imposed tomb
encased by shroud of memories
Heartless Ice Queen.

Earth angels to the rescue
warm breaths of love
healing touches
memories flow
loosening death's grip.

Spring comes
slowly
as dark storm clouds of memory
float by.

Bird song beckons awakening
tears the rain of renewal
Life returns.

With love and gratitude overflowing
From my heart to yours
Mary

On Squats and Leap Frog - Life's a Happy Song

2012-02-03T05:45:00.000-08:00

Tim Kelleher began yesterday's yoga class at South Boston Yoga with a beautiful pranyama (breath work) sequencing. There is something wonderful and healing about Tim's voice that brought me right into my practice. We then moved into squat pose. I remember when I didn't know squat - about squat pose or much about yoga. I did know that squats used to make me cry (the title of my memoir is, "Why Do Squats Make me Cry"). Tim acknowledged it can be a difficult pose and offered that we can use a block to hang out in the pose. What a wonderful feeling to feel that I can actually hang out and feel comfortable in squat on a block. I also figured out how to maneuver so that I can have both feet flat on the floor!

Tim has a warmth and a genuineness about him that comes through in his teaching. I love his sense of humor. He is able to tap into the universality of what his students may be feeling. He offers poses and says, "maybe....". One of my favorite moments was when Tim said and maybe you learn to not hate this pose. There were a lot of squats in yesterday's practice. Being able to keep the preconceived thoughts and feelings about squat out of my practice and staying focused on the present moment is a gift I give to myself.

I have not been able to hop to the front of my mat from down dog. Pat Donaher and I have worked on this in my individual lessons and agreed that because of the lack of neuromuscular connection going to my left leg, we would put this movement on the back burner. Instead I would focus on feeling lightness as I stepped to the front of my mat. Feeling a lightness in my step is a huge step. The prep for an inversion is the same as hopping to the front of the mat. Tim cued the inversion prep and wonder of wonders, with that cuing I was able to take a hop with both legs together. It felt amazing to be airborn for that split second; to feel lightness generated by core strength.

One of Tim's sequencing involved hopping and going into squat - like playing leap frog he said. Needless to say leap frog was not one of the games I played as a child. In fact, I did not have the opportunity to play any of the childhood games on the playground. But you know what is really really cool? The healing happens when, for that moment, my mat is my playground. I am surrounded by the most amazing playmates and friends with a teacher whose love, compassion, caring and joy infuses me with happiness and freedom and all that went before no longer matters.

Yup - life's a happy song when there's someone by my side to sing along.

With deepest love and a heart overflowing with gratitude
From my heart to yours
Mary

Namaste

At the Ballet

2012-02-02T09:55:00.000-08:00

Before the start of Amy Coleman's class at South Boston Yoga last evening, a fellow yogini and I were sharing yoga healing stories. I told her how I am able to retrieve muscle memory from before I contracted paralytic polio when I loved to dance ballet. Little did I know that Amy would be incorporating ballet movement into the evening's flow. I am not used to taking a class at 4 in the afternoon. My energy tends to wane by the end of the day and I will often take a nap at 3 or 4 in the afternoon to recharge. I could feel at the beginning of class I was tight and tired and can feel how at times, my body still holds the muscle memory of paralytic polio when I am tired or stressed. As Amy led us through the flow reminding us to stay with our breath, I could feel myself allowing my body to melt into the flow.

Amy cued us to lift one leg and point and flex our toes just as if we were in ballet class. Balance is a challenge for me but I found my gazing point and allowed my body to remember how wonderful it felt to move in ballet class. Amy incorporated dancer's pose into the flow.

She came over to me putting her hand flat against mine and told me to lean into her hand. I have had this adjustment before but this adjustment was much more powerful for me. Amy made a deep connection with me. We made intense eye contact and I could feel the energy flowing between us. I could feel her incredible support of me in the pose yet she wanted me to tap into my own inner strength which I was able to find. She waited until I moved as deeply as I could into the pose before she had us release the pose. As the sun set over Boston and we went into savasana, I was so blessed and grateful for Amy's loving adjustment as my energy flowed. I was able to leave the class feeling grounded and at peace. "Everything is beautiful at the ballet...."

One of my favorite quotations is, 'Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.' - Maria Robinson

Dancer's Pose From the soon to be released "Songs of Freedom:Poems from a Healing Odyssey"

On shaky legs trying to remember
the graceful ballerina
before
before polio and trauma.
Engage core
move slowly
let the energy rise up
from deep within.
Heart opens
gratitude flows
smiling
a new dancer
now claims the pose.

With deepest love and gratitude
From my heart to yours
Mary

It's Possible - On Steadiness and Stamina

2012-02-01T07:18:00.000-08:00

"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get." - Forrest Gump

When one has experienced a lot of trauma in life, it's easy to feel off balance. It can feel as though one lives on San Andrea's fault in California and the slightest stimulus can result in a major emotional earthquake. But since I have come to my yoga mat, I feel a strength, a steadiness and stamina to go through those life experiences that are not pleasant. Recently I had an encounter with someone who I thought was a trusted friend. You think you are going to bite into a delicious chocolate and instead it turns out (for me) it's one of those gooey gushy fruit flavoured middles. Now some people absolutely love those gooey fruit tasting middles but it's just not for me. Before I came to practice yoga on and off the mat, my nervous system would have either gone into shut down mode or I would have felt overwhelming anxiety and adrenaline pumping into me at warped speed.

Instead, I felt a real steadiness in my core. I was strong and mindful of what I wanted to say and when I was going to say it. I instinctively knew that a face to face conversation about what was happening was not going to work but I also knew how to hold myself in the presence of this person. I felt loving kindness and compassion realizing that this person was projecting onto me all of their self loathing. I felt sad that they were unable to appreciate who I really am. I heard the voices of my beloved yoga teachers. Jacqui Bonwell "Yeah I know this is hard. So who cares? What are you gonna do? Breathe." Pat Donaher "Trust it. Trust it. You're stronger than you think." David Vendetti "Stay with it. Hold steady." I even recalled an adjustment David made in Monday's class in which he supported me while helping me to feel the strength in my core in Warrior. I was able to draw strength from that energetic connection.

I sent an email that was centered and strong feeling that I was neither a victim nor was I the aggressor. I spoke the Truth from my heart. I let my sad feelings wash over me. I stayed steady and strong as I felt angry and hurt but did not allow myself to wallow in those feelings. Instead, I breathed through them. I moved on and focused on all the amazing and wondrous people who are blessings in my life. I moved to a state of contentment and gratitude. I feel tremendously grateful for the soul lessons that this person is teaching me and for giving me the opportunity to experience a new way to respond to an unpleasant encounter. I didn't have to fight and I did not have to take flight. I was able to hold steady and maintained a feeling of stamina that I could indeed stay in that space until it was time for this person to leave. And you know what else I realized? It's never about the other person and 'their stuff.' It's about me and the work I need to do to stay awake, alive and vibrant regardless of what is happening around me.

I have just begun reading Peter A Levine's newest book, "In An Unspoken Voice:How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness." His book is "based on the idea that trauma is neither a disease nor a disorder, but rather an injury caused by fright, helplessness and loss that can be healed by engaging our innate capacity to self-regulate high states of arousal and intense emotions...When we bring together animal instinct and reason, we can become more whole human beings." I had no idea that I have the capacity to regulate my responses, to hold steady and to have the stamina to experience an unpleasant encounter and maintain a sense of being in the present moment. But now I know - It's Possible!

With a heart full of love and gratitude
From my heart to yours,
Mary

"Heeling" , Feeling the Fire - I Made It Through the Rain

2012-01-31T08:58:00.000-08:00

In Sunday's phenomenal yoga practice with David Vendetti at South Boston Yoga, we were in half moon pose and David invited us to bend our top leg and find our heel and then pulse heel to hand. I remember when half moon pose was challenge enough for me but since I had my balance I decided to see if I could find my heel. I could not propriocept my leg in space and was feeling around for my heel. Part of me so wanted David or one of his assistants to come over to me and help but another part of me knew it was so important to work this out on my own. As a trauma survivor, it takes tremendous courage to stand on one leg and be vulnerable and then to lose my sense of self consciousness while I tried to find my heel. What a sense of freedom when I found it and even though we were halfway through the pulsing, I was able to feel that sense of incredible neurological connectedness. The left side was a greater challenge but I was able to find it! To literally branch out in new directions is a wonderful sense of empowerment. I made it through the rain standing on my own one leg and allowing myself the freedom to be vulnerable.

In yesterday's yoga practice, David talked about "You know I love it when you feel the fire." I remember when I was first in outpatient physical therapy at Spaulding Rehab. I wrote a poem about muscle burn feels so good. In order to run a marathon, I had to lose the connection to muscle burn otherwise there is no way I would train to run 26.2 miles. It felt wonderful to know that with the power of the breath and tuning in taking myself right up that edge, I could feel the muscle burn. As I mentioned in yesterday's post, it is also important to honor when I need to come back from the edge. As a trauma survivor, it is often difficult to discern when to say yes and when to say no both on and off the mat. As I become better able, through my yoga practice to listen and discern, making mindful choices on my mat, it becomes easier to translate making empowered choices off of my mat. I learn how to both challenge and take care of myself. I get to feel! I get to be fully alive and on fire with a sense of passion and purpose. There's still those twinges of uncertainty as I find my way into this wonderful new world of tuning in and feeling empowered, but I am so grateful for 'heeling', feeling the fire and I am so glad I can finally say, "I Made It Through the Rain." I am so blessed and grateful that I have a safe, sacred space to heal at South Boston Yoga.

Namaste

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude,
Mary

Sensation(al) - The Long and Winding Road

2012-01-30T13:53:00.000-08:00

Since I came to my yoga mat last January, it's been the year of the thaw. After first being diagnosed with post polio syndrome I realized the profound disruption in my mind/body connection and began the long and winding road of a healing journey. Today's yoga practice with David Vendetti at South Boston Yoga was extremely challenging for me. It was a practice which incorporated squats, a lot of elbows up and elbows down and frog pose just for good measure. But as David said, when we learn to sustain ourselves using our breath and balance nourishment and rest with taking ourselves to the edge and feeling the challenge on the mat while allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, the practice holds us in good stead off our mat.

During today's practice I had to keep a keen awareness of listening to my body and taking my body to places where I could experience new sensations, but not cross the line into pushing and going too far. I could feel my Type A tendencies begin to surge and tempered them with mindfulness and asking myself how is my body feeling right now and why am I making the choice I am making. The "body awakening" is a new experience for me. When I began my yoga practice, I had to first learn how to breathe. I then began the journey of inward exploration examining how my particular body works or doesn't work and to learn how to literally and figuratively go with the flow as I move the trauma up and out.

In today's practice I allowed myself to feel the challenge and then relax into familiar poses. There was one sequence which I had to sit out realizing I had neither the strength nor the energy at that moment to join in. David reminds us throughout practice to silence the criticism and judgement and to be ever mindful of Sadie Nardini's advice. "If you were having a relationship with the voice in your head right now, you wouldn't make it as a couple." I can feel how my body is shifting out of trauma mode into embracing the power of the yoga practice. The power comes from feeling the strength in a pose, the trembling during strengthening sequences, making choices that are right for my body and allowing myself to both play and not struggle in the challenge. I am allowing myself to experience new sensations in my body and not be afraid of what I am feeling discerning between new sensations and when I need to back out of or sit out a pose or a sequence.

When it comes to squat pose, Pat Donaher and I figured out in my individual yoga lessons that anatomically I cannot do the pose in a way which allows me to hold the block as David was cueing today. Rather than struggle and berate myself, I did what I could to elicit new sensations - to get my left foot flat on the floor and to go through the sequence for handstand prep. At first I could not propriocept using my strength to put my hands on the floor, lift hips high and come out of squat pose. What a celebration I felt inside when I was able to move from the nothingness to feeling the connections and allowing myself to trust in my own strength. David referenced what can happen to our bodies structurally when we become fearful of change emphasizing how important it is to adapt and evolve. I remember when I first worked with Pat, I couldn't figure out how to change the clasp of my hand. Pat had to take me through it finger by finger. It's so easy to fall prey to patterns and what is familiar but what wonderful sensations arise from trying things in a new and different way. It takes courage. It takes strength and it is so rich and rewarding to evolve.

Today's practice was sensation(al) as I allowed myself to experience rich, new sensations that once were inaccessible to me. I am sore but it's a good sore. I have wonderful new tools for self care with breath work, a foam roller and self massage with lacrosse balls. I can trust in the wondrous power of my body to recover from each practice. I honor my body and feel such gratitude and contentment in my life. I am so grateful for the long and winding road that leads me to my yoga mat where with every practice I grow a little bit wiser, a little bit stronger, a little more open and continue to awaken to the truth and beauty of my Being.

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude,
Mary

Dream On, Breath Work and Healing!

2012-01-29T15:12:00.000-08:00

Today's yoga practice with David Vendetti at South Boston Yoga began with a chant in which was beautifully interwoven Aerosmith's Dream On:

Sing with me, sing for the years
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me, if its just for today

Dream on, dream on
Dream yourself a dream come true
Dream on, dream on
Dream until your dream come true
Dream on, dream on, dream on...

After which we went into berestroika breathing in which you have your arms at shoulder height, inhale arms up, exhale arms down and David gave us a little somethin' to pump us up playing We Will Rock You.

I could feel my internal heat build and the energy rise within me. Whenever practice begins with berestroika, I notice I have a strong practice. The power of breath fuels my neuromuscular connections. Power also comes in allowing myself to modify poses. Before class two of the teacher trainees and I were talking about giving ourselves 'permission' to modify poses. I mentioned that it is such a blessing to be on my mat, playing with my friends and feeling the freedom to do what I need to do in my practice to be safe and mindful of what my body needs. Before class, David talked about both freedom and responsibility; saying a resounding yes to freedom in our lives and then accepting responsibility for our past and the choices we make in each moment.

I was able to find my way into fallen tree pose today feeling strong in my side body. I was able to feel the outer edges of my feet in side plank and felt ready to give fallen tree pose a chance. I realize that I don't have to just go into a pose. I can play around with balance, with taking a hand off of a block and seeing if I can hold a pose (as in quad stretch with arm up). Time on my yoga mat is to explore the edges of my physicality by releasing the stories I hold about myself. By staying in the present moment and allowing my breath to fuel my practice, I can allow myself to awaken to new and wondrous sensations.

In bridge pose, David has us pulse our heels back toward our hips. I was able to work so hard and make the energetic connection today and it manifested in a physical sensation. By the end of practice I was dripping with sweat from the effort that I put into today's practice. It was hard to tell where the sweat ended and tears of joy, freedom and gratitude began.

At the beginning of class, David mentioned the teacher trainees were having a pranyama session which anyone from class was able to join. I had a friend coming in from out of town but her plane did not land until 12:15. In the 'old days' I would have had the need to get home, shower and make sure that I was put together for her arrival. I knew that I was supposed to do the pranyama and trusted everything would work out in perfect timing. Although I did not have time to shower, put on make up and blow dry my hair, I had time to freshen up enough to greet her. I loved the feeling of freedom and being myself just as I was.

What a gift to do the breath work again with the teacher trainees. Today's breath work was quite a different experience from the holotropic breath work session I had done this summer. It was a gentler series of breath work. I experienced gentle tears. I felt a cleansing and creating space in my home. I felt joy. I felt freedom. I felt love. I felt compassion for those for whom the breath work brought up a lot of pain remembering sessions I had on David's body work table and in the holotropic breath work when pain consumed me. I heard how David brought comfort to one person in particular and I joined my heart energy with his.

David talked about our vulnerability being our greatest strength. He talked about the importance of being open and not shutting down. I felt my heart and soul make a commitment in that moment to remain open and to allow myself to continue to heal moving trauma up and out. I was delighted that I was able to experience a sense of purification with today's practice and breath work and to feel that the wounds once so raw and open felt healed today. I continue to be amazed at how breath and movement is the best medicine for my body and soul. In my wildest imaginings, I did not know that I could heal the trauma and to feel a sense of vibrancy living with post polio syndrome. I feel an incredible appreciation for the sacredness of my Spirit and my earthly home. I dream on until my dreams come true.

With so much love and gratitude
From my heart to yours
Namaste
Mary

Letting Go Of Influence - It's My Life

2012-01-28T07:58:00.000-08:00

I would love everyone to experience a yoga class with Jacqui Bonwell. It's hard to describe the experience in words. I allow her energy, her love, her wisdom and her guiding me through my yoga practice to seep into every cell in my body. I love her phrases and her delivery weaving in the breath, the poses and life. She began class with an anecdote about her daughter underscoring how at age 4, she has a delightful sense of self worth. She doesn't say she has to find a boyfriend or lose weight. She feels complete and whole but as we get older, we begin to allow experiences to influence our sense of worthiness and lose the sense of who we truly are. In today's practice, Jacqui guided us to let go of those influences mind, body and Spirit.

After my first KMI Body Work session with David Vendetti, he told me that I was not the same person who walked through the door and as I was preparing to leave the session, he wanted me to think about the person who I was leaving the session. To be honest I did not quite get what he was talking about although I felt whispers of change and transformation. In future sessions I did experience what he was talking about as I allowed myself to release stories that have influenced my life for decades. I released beliefs based on traumatic events and the trauma held in my body. I have more work to do but I am at a point where I can claim my body and my life ever mindful and aware of how and when the trauma presents itself in my mind and body.

As Jacqui guided us through asana with the focus on in breath and out breath, I was able to make new energetic connections. I felt the heat in my core and used my breath as medicine as I continue to move out old stories to prepare myself for teacher training. You see I was an incredible healer when I worked as a social worker at the VA. I saved countless lives as veterans who were on the verge of suicide told me that they heard my voice and knew there was still goodness in the world. Many went on to volunteer to help other veterans hold onto hope. With passion and a belief that our wounded warriors deserved all that they were entitled to, I fought to ensure they received their appropriate benefits. I worked with the blinded veterans helping them access the resources they needed to adapt to their traumatic loss. I knew nothing about vision loss and I allowed the blinded veterans to teach me. After all, we are all teachers and students, healer and healed. I helped family members let go of their loved ones at the end of life and advocated with multidisciplinary teams to be patient when a family member was not ready to take their loved one off of life support.

One of my favorite and most beloved group of veterans that I worked with was the Prisoners of War. Having known the terror and trauma from my alcoholic father, I had incredible compassion and love for these courageous men. During one of my KMI Body Work sessions, as I shared with David the pain I was experiencing which was a result of traumatic memory, he told me that I had an incredible gift. I could access feeling the trauma in my body and had the strength and courage to feel it and heal it. Neither one of us knew at the time where it would lead. We still don't. I do know that I will be taking a weekend long workshop with Matthew Sanford at Majestic Yoga Studio. I will be taking teacher training. I continue a daily practice of yoga to breathe, to heal, to become aware of my body, to drink in the wisdom from beloved teachers and to take all that to prepare to bring it out into the world to help others to heal. As Jacqui so poignantly said as we neared the close of practice, "I don't care if you can stand on your ear. If you can't lie here and feel the peace and comfort in your own skin, then what difference does it make?"

I never lost my ability as a healer. It got buried under the pain of the past. It got buried under the influence of a diagnosis of post polio syndrome and post traumatic stress disorder. I did not know how to practice good self care and did not recognize what was happening in my mind, body and Spirit. I did not know about the power of a yoga practice on and off the mat. But I am awake. I am aware and I am alive! I am open to allowing change to happen in my life and let go of the influences that hold me down. I embrace the miracles of healing. I allow the love that I share with my yoga teachers and the South Boston Yoga tribe to water my soul and help me to grow and blossom. As Jacqui said, "It's so wonderful that you are going to take teacher training. You are going to split wide open." I'm ready and so excited because "It's My Life! It's now or never."

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude
Mary

In The Flow - Training for Teacher Training

2012-01-27T10:36:00.000-08:00

I was 5 months into my yoga practice when I came to the KMI body work table of David Vendetti. In our 2nd session he was quoting from what he teaches in yoga teacher training. I was curious. After he integrated holotropic breath work into a body work session, he told me that he does a session with his teacher trainees. Would I like to join? I joined the teacher trainees for this session in July. It was transformational. I met Julia Haggerty, an "older" yoga teacher trainee who was laid up last winter following a severe fracture of her leg. She said we could get together for coffee and talk about teacher training if I wanted. We have since become very close friends and she is one of the people who has inspired me to take teacher training. David mentioned taking teacher training in another one of our body work sessions and when he did I felt my Spirit leap but as quickly as I felt the leap, I felt the fear. I don't have the stamina. I'm 58 years old. You know the drill, right - a million excuses because going into the unknown is scary. I received so many signs from the Universe that I was in the flow moving in the direction of teacher training.

My application for South Boston Yoga's teacher training is filled out. I sent in my taxes yesterday and the refund will pay for teacher training. Now about this stamina....I have been all over the proverbial healing map with my post polio syndrome journey. Living with a spinal cord injury is unpredictable. Um let me rephrase that - life is unpredictable. In today's beautiful yoga flow with Joanne Flaherty at South Boston Yoga, she talked about surrendering to the pose; life is all about letting go.

My beloved teacher Pat Donaher wrote a beautiful blog post about teacher training. He talks about getting yourself in a place where you can absorb the experience. To get myself in that place, I'm letting go. I'm letting go of the belief that I won't be able to maintain a regular schedule for the 9 day intensive training and then to have 8 hour days on the weekends of teacher training. It's more than letting go of the belief. I am attending classes on a regular basis and integrate my yoga practice as a part of my life. I am letting go of my Type A traits which lead to burnout of mind, body and Spirit allowing myself to be in the flow of life. Since yoga has become an integral part of my life, my nervous system no longer races. I can move from exerting effort to letting go rather than constantly being in a state of 'high alert' pushing to get things done.

Today's practice focused on hip opening. Joanne's pace is steady and mindful and I was able to deeply connect to myself and feel the opening. Because of the steady and even pace, and because Joanna cues breath, I was able to deepen my breath and link it with the movement. The abs strengthening sequence was extremely challenging and my legs trembled which meant that I was really working the muscles. I don't have to be afraid as I release the well meaning but erroneous message from the post polio doc "You are at risk for burning out what little reserve that remains as you age so if you use it, you will lose it." After all, when I went for my physical the other day, I discovered that the reflexes on my left elbow and wrist had returned! Today I felt a core strength in eagle pose. I was not pushing anything. I was allowing my body to move in the flow mindful of what felt right for my body in the poses. It's imperative that I have some form of daily exercise. My yoga practice helps me to tap into what my body needs, helps me to heal, strengthen and stretch and nourishes me mind, body and Spirit. I am part of a community!

While I have done a lot of seva (selfless service) in these past five years and have inspired many people with my journey, there was definitely something missing in my day to day life. And then I came to my yoga mat and a whole new world opened and is continuing to open before me. So even though I am 58 years old and will graduate teacher training when I am 59, there's still a lot of life left in me. I know the Universe will continue to guide and support me, leading me to where I can use my treasures and talents for the highest good. Now is the time -- before the parade passes by.

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude,
Mary

Open a New Window

2012-01-26T10:55:00.000-08:00

“If we all did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves.”
― Thomas A. Edison

Surrounded by a community overflowing with unconditional love and support I stepped onto my yoga mat today in Todd's class at South Boston Yoga with an intention to continue to heal and feel my strength. I noticed how trauma was surfacing in my body this past week. I realized that the phenomenal body work session with Joseph Welch helped to bring memories to the surface to allow them to heal. It is also approaching the one year anniversary of my nephew's suicide on March 4th. March 4th is my wedding anniversary and on March 2nd, my husband Tom turns 60. These are incredibly joyous occasions and my body and mind are moving out the trauma to create space for celebration.

Creating space -- what a wonderful experience after living life from a place of fear and smallness having experienced so much trauma. But regardless of what has gone before, I get to choose how I live my life. With each breath and each pose, I become more awake, aware and alive. With each savasana, I let go and heal. Thank you Todd for your beautiful framing of the importance of savasana in today's practice. To paraphrase what Todd said, 'After all that time of effort - an hour and a half - sometimes it's hard to just let go. But it is important to completely let go to allow your body to rest. It's how the body can heal.'

In my last practice with Todd, I allowed myself to practice from a place of nurturing myself and not challenging myself. Today, there were many challenging balance poses at the beginning of class. Ever mindful of maintaining a safe practice and knowing I always have the option to modify (and Todd is so wonderful at pointing out what the modifications are), I found myself wanting to move into the challenging poses which Todd guided us through today.

I could experience the neuromuscular gaps in the balance poses. I was so grateful when Todd suggested we engage the calf in our leg to feel the energy flow. That's precisely what I needed to hear to make the energetic connection to compensate for where there is a gap in neuromuscular connection. In Warrior III with Eagle Arms, Todd suggested we put the back foot down as a modification but focus on using the eagle arms. (I had used the pillar for support to keep the balance with one leg up, but Todd wanted us to open across the shoulders in the pose). I notice that if I go into more challenging poses, my neuromuscular system fatigues. In the last class with Todd I was able to move through a sequence in lunge with relative ease. But because I had used a lot of neuromuscular energy in the previous sequences, these poses were more difficult for me during today's practice. And the beauty of the practice is that I no longer judge myself. I am learning how to accept where I am and experience unconditional love, compassion and kindness for myself while feeling the exhilaration of having a new experience every time I step onto my mat.

I had a very exciting yoga first today. Todd guided us through preparation for scissors pose - an arm balance. Ordinarily especially my left foot sits there and says um excuse me - you want me to go where? And I experience the 'deadness' in the foot and lack of neuromuscular connection to make any movement in the direction of the pose. Todd suggested that we use our "chaturanga" arms squeezing elbows together and engaging the side body and use our upper body strength. I was approaching the pose from the bottom up instead of from the top down. I was able to experience the lift in my foot and even though it came from upper body strength, I made the energetic connection to having my foot lift off of my mat in preparation for the arm balance. Even though I could not use both foot and upper body strength, I was able to begin to move into the arm balance.

This past week has been both exhilarating and challenging as my body speaks its truth. I didn't realize how much my nephew's suicide was affecting me until this morning. Once I become aware of what is affecting me, I get to choose if I am going to allow it to keep a hold on me or if I release it and allow healing to happen. I held on to way too much for way too long - it's time to let go... release... and open a new window.

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude,
Mary

The Proof is in The Pranyama, the Poses - And a Reflex!

2012-01-25T08:01:00.000-08:00

"What the creator has created can never be destroyed." Ilse Oluwa Kole Baje O

If yoga is not on your radar, then you wouldn't know that within the past month, two articles have come out talking about the 'adverse effects' of yoga. "How Yoga Can Wreck Your Body" and "Whew I'm Glad I Didn't Have To Do That." I did not set out to write a response to the New York Times Article but a blog post emerged "I Was Wrecking My Body Before I Came To My Yoga Mat." My beloved teachers Pat and David have each responded to the article. You can read Pat Donaher's reflections in his blog "Peace and Be Wild." David has a 5 part series on You Tube that speaks to using the Times article as a wake up call for both teachers and students to be more mindful in their practice sharing the insights of Todd, David and the South Boston Yoga teacher trainees. Both are thoughtful and insightful responses to the somewhat inflammatory NY Times article. The up side to both of these articles is that they are offering an opportunity for dialogue and bringing to light the healing and love of this treasured practice (paraphrasing David).

My major concern with the articles and especially with the article in the Boston Globe is that people who might experience tremendous benefits from yoga, are going to be turned off to the practice of yoga whose benefits when practiced with mindfulness (both teachers and students) far outweigh any potential risks. Before I came to my yoga mat, I experienced symptoms of both post polio syndrome and post traumatic stress disorder. The post polio syndrome I was aware of but before I began the practice of yoga and in my individual lessons with Pat, I was not aware of how severely the symptoms of PTSD were affecting me. And once Pat referred me to David for KMI Body Work, the trauma began moving up and out.

Last night I had another trauma dream. Rather than feel frustrated that they are still happening, I think of Ana Forrest's words, "Congratulate yourself - you have found another layer," and indeed I did! Before yoga, these dreams would cripple me for the next 24 hours. When I awoke, even though my heart was racing, I heard my Spirit speak - "You are stronger than the trauma." I am able to allow myself to totally immerse into the feelings and make the mind/body connection. Before I went to this morning's class with Pat, I could feel the connection between the threat of "Don't move" and how my nervous system responds to that by shutting down. I thought about one of Pat's favorite phrases, "Don't Think - Move!" Before yoga, the physiological response to the threat from a lifetime ago would create crippling fatigue which is distinctly different from feeling tired and needing a nap! There is also shutting down muscle memory from paralytic polio. We began today's practice with a 3 part pranyama. Full inhale - exhale - hold - exhale hold again and then full exhale making sure to give a little extra push to get all of the 'stale air' out. A wonderful way to cleanse and bring a nervous system back to life. Today's practice had many challenging poses but I listened to what Pat guided us to do - get totally out of my head and into my breath. I allowed my heart to open and nurtured myself with the movement; celebrating the freedom and awakening I experience on my yoga mat so grateful to have Pat as my beloved teacher.

How wonderful to stretch, reach, build strength and heat with the poses. When I first began practicing yoga I would struggle and push myself, fighting against the trauma. I would also live life off the mat in this way. I was still running and realized that I was trying to outrun the trauma. Now I heal the trauma and allow myself to find and build strength in my body and courage of heart to release the trauma. At 58 years old, it is important to keep my earthly home in as good working order as I possibly can. She has a lot of miles on her.

Which brings me to the peak pose if you will of today's blog post. At the end of 2009 I saw a physician who meant well in her promoting treatment of osteoporosis and ordering every preventive test in the book given my medical history. I rebelled against feeling like a patient and walked away from Western medicine. Our health insurance changed and we now need a referral if we need to see a specialist. While I do not anticipate the need to see a specialist, I am practical and decided I'd return to see my nurse practitioner whom I left because parking downtown was nearly impossible. I wasn't strong enough at the time to use public transportation. When I heard my nurse practitioner had left I began praying and manifesting that my new pcp would be tailor made to what I need at this time. As soon as she walked into the room I knew all was well. I had also made a shift in my energy in how I approached my visit. I was honoring what I would and would not do while acknowledging and honoring how Western medicine approaches health and illness. I told her how blessed and grateful I was that she would be my partner in health and wellness. She was really excited to hear about all of the benefits I experience as a result of my yoga practice.

Since my last visit, I lost 10 pounds. My blood pressure remains remarkably low at 102/70. I said I would do the very basic labs so we had a baseline. She did a physical exam honoring that I did not want an internal nor did I want a pap. We agreed that this is how I felt for now. If I changed my mind based on what my body was telling me, I could always come back and see her. It's wonderful for me to share with you my subjective experience of how yoga has transformed my life but it's pretty incredible when there is objective evidence to support that real change is taking place. I did not have a reflex in my left elbow or left wrist nor my left ankle and left foot. Pat has worked incredibly hard with me to establish the neuromuscular connection to my elbows especially my left elbow. {And we often joke how every yoga teacher in Boston has conspired to bring the elbow up/elbow down sequence into my practice.} And now - drumroll please. As my pcp tested my reflexes, they were completely normal on my left elbow and wrist. Complete reflex response returned!!!! The reflex in my left foot is still absent but no matter - as Matthew Sanford says, you can have healing without manifestation of muscle movement.

So there you have it my dear readers - the proof is in the pranyama, the poses - and a reflex!

Thanks for sharing in my journey.
From my heart to yours
With love and deepest gratitude,
Mary

Pennies from Heaven

2012-01-24T05:01:00.001-08:00

When I read Fierce Medicine last summer, I experienced incredible encounters with the Divine. I was in the midst of KMI Body Work with my beloved teacher and healer David Vendetti and for the first time, my body was speaking volumes to me about the trauma that was held in my body. Matthew Sanford uses the phrase "barfing body memories" and Ana Forrest calls the experience bringing up "emotional pus balls." After yesterday's amazing yoga class with David and the South Boston Yoga community, I had another encounter with the Divine. The experiences of last summer came from places of pain. Yesterday's encounter overflowed with grace, love and tenderness.

As often happens with encounters with the Divine, they are totally unexpected and bring a sense of wonder, surprise and delight. After yesterday's practice, I was speaking with Amy Coleman who teaches at South Boston Yoga. My husband and I met Amy after our first yoga class in March of last year at South Boston while the trainees were setting up for their body work training. I had gone to the bathroom and Tom was speaking with Amy asking her about what was happening. She talked with Tom about myofascial body work. He told her about me and she said I should definitely try it. She gave me the business cards of two people she recommended. Meeting Amy that day was Divine intervention. Although it would be several months before I saw David to begin body work, after meeting Amy I was able to stop working with a body worker that was not helping me on my healing journey.

Amy was very excited about my decision to take teacher training. She has always embraced and supported me as a member of the South Boston Yoga community. I told her that I was a little concerned about spending the money on teacher training and was going to apply for work study. I told her that my husband stepped in and assured me that we could go ahead and plan to pay for teacher training. Yes I am incredibly blessed and grateful for his unwavering love and support.

I walked outside of the studio and a penny, then another penny than a wide circle of pennies caught my eye. There was a man putting his stroller into his car and after I picked up the pennies, he smiled and said, "I always pick up a penny when I see it on the ground." I asked him if these were his. He said, "No - they are all yours." So I put them in my pocket and when I got home I looked at the dates on them. 1996 - when I first began experiencing symptoms of post polio syndrome and PTSD. 2006 - when I was diagnosed at Spaulding Rehab with post polio syndrome. 1982, 1984, 1987 and 1988. Those four years were very intense years for me. In 1982 I had a staph infection in my shoulder joint and almost lost the use of my right arm but there was Divine intervention with my beloved orthopedic surgeon and a nurse whom I hold in my heart to this day. She introduced me to Bernie Siegel who was a modern day pioneer in the field of mind/body 'medicine'. In 1984, I received my MSW. In 1987, my twins were born and in 1988 I began my career at the VA.

There's something more as if that were not enough to just take my breath away with awe and wonder -- There was a movie made in 1959, the year I contracted paralytic polio called "The Five Pennies".

Loring "Red" Nichols is a cornet-playing country boy who goes to New York in the 1920s full of musical ambition and principles. He gets a job playing in Wil Paradise's band, but quits to pursue his dream of playing Dixieland jazz. He forms the "Five Pennies" which features his wife, Bobbie, as vocalist. At the peak of his fame, Red and Bobbie's daughter, Dorothy, develops polio. Red quits the music business to move to Los Angeles where the climate is better for Dorothy. As Dorothy becomes a young teen, she learns of her father's musical past, and he is persuaded to open a small nightclub which is failing until some noted names from his past come to help out.

I vaguely remember seeing the movie but as I have been healing the emotional and physical pain of polio, I have often thought of the movie. It's a beautiful healing story that counters the experience I had with polio. Yesterday I google'd it and here is the You Tube clip of Danny Kaye singing The Five Pennies to his daughter in the movie:

Past, present and future met in the vortex of the six pennies I found on the sidewalk right outside of South Boston Yoga studio after two days of practice in which I felt a shift and a transformation in mind, body and Spirit. I recall David's words in one yoga class, filled to capacity, where they ran out of props, "Don't worry about it. You are self sufficient Beings. You have everything you need in this moment." Talk about an encounter with the Divine! I love the support and love I experience in the South Boston Yoga sangha. The sacred sanctuary of SBY is the outward manifestation of how my life is filled with grace. I realize that the healing that is happening is coming from within. I could not do it without the love, guidance and support of my phenomenal teachers and healers but I am the co creator of my life. I get to choose how I manage the circumstances of my life on and off my yoga mat. The Universe is supporting me every step of the way in my journey. When I detach from outcomes, open my heart and listen to my "six cents" {sixth sense} amazing and wondrous things happen beyond my wildest imaginings. Oh and by the way. We did our taxes last night and our refund is almost to the penny exactly the cost of teacher training!

Believe!

From my heart to yours
With overwhelming love and gratitude for the blessings and grace in my life
Mary

Thawing the Numbness - Feelin' Good

2012-01-23T10:14:00.000-08:00

During and after last week's body work session with Joseph Welch, I felt a sense of Peace and Stillness. Out of that stillness and wonderful healing, traumatic memories surfaced. I knew that my body needed to speak. During my meditation time, I have been allowing my body to speak its truth. It can be scary at times feeling as though the sensations will not end. Before yoga, they did not end. They were stuck. I'd been through years of talking therapy with some really good and some not so good therapists. Nothing moves trauma up and out like yoga and body work.

After yesterday's yoga practice which involved opening the hips, in my evening meditation, I felt so broken. I thought about the phrase, strong in the broken places. I felt so whole in my brokenness. I reflected on how in the broken places, there are cracks that allow the light to shine through. Radiance is reflected and the lies of the past are deflected. Wholeness happens when the heart breaks open. Tears irrigate the heart and Love's lavage heals. As I move out of the sense of overcoming and pushing, I peel back the layers that keep me apart from my Being. There is a trail of pain to walk in the process of waking, but with breathing, compassion, my time on my mat, journaling, writing poetry and honoring the part of myself that needs to speak, the voice goes from a roar to a whisper to silence and then - feeling good.

Today's yoga practice with David Vendetti was a continuation of hip opening poses. I noticed how much more open I was today than in yesterday's practice and could safely go deeper into poses to stretch hips, hamstrings and IT band. David called toe pose lunge today. I focused on feeling the sensations in the tops of my feet. I modified as I needed and honored when at one point, my left side just quit and I stayed put in a lunge with one knee down and pointed toes.

David talked about feeling the energy flow and igniting the fire within. He talked about feelings associated with hips: tears, giggling, laughter, a sense of celebration... Today I experienced a reclaiming of the land of the hips and pelvic floor. I felt a Spring thaw as I felt energy flow through my hips and pelvic floor reclaiming a land that was once frozen by trauma. Yeah - this body is mine. How cool is that? I felt that I metaphorically moved away the metaphorical dirt pile that was thrown on top of me. Everything that was done could not and can not snuff out the fires of my heart and soul nor shatter the wholeness of my body.

What a joy to experience energy flowing and that I can create that flow of energy through the practice orchestrated by David. Even though it's mid winter, I am experiencing a Spring thaw. I feel the ice melting away from parts of myself that I had to keep numb, in cold storage, until it was safe for me to both experience the pain and the incredible life force within me. My breath and the internal heat generated by my yoga practice combined with the heat of the room and the breath and heat generated by my fellow yogis, helps me to melt, stretch, open and strengthen.

As we sat in boddha kanasana again today, David invited us to bring our heart to meet the "sole" {of our feet}. What a wonderful play on words. In order for me to live from my heart and feel the wonderment and expansiveness of my soul, I move out trauma and behaviors that are a barrier to my ever evolving Being. As David said in practice today, "Take your time. There's no rush. I was so pleased to hear that it took Patricia Walden 14 years to get into boddha kanasana and have her knees on the floor." I continue to be patient, loving, kind and compassionate to myself as I gently allow myself to open, stretch, strengthen and feel the grace that has blessed my life. After a phenomenal practice with David, and the South Boston Yoga community, I can honestly say that I'm feelin' good.

From my heart to yours
With overflowing love and gratitude
Mary

Namaste

Letting Go of Competition-Letting in Love:How Yoga Heals

2012-01-22T10:46:00.000-08:00

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy: They are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." - Marcel Proust

This time last year, on a sunny,cold New England morning with snow on the ground, I'd be heading out to Heartbreak Hill to get my run on training for last year's Hyannis 10K. I ignored the pain in my joints from the cold. I ignored how my body would react with mind and body numbing fatigue. I would get through the run and then share what I had conquered on Daily Mile and Just Finish eagerly awaiting the feedback from others. Can you say EGO? This morning I slung my yoga mat over my shoulder and headed indoors to the warm "tropical island" of South Boston Yoga to practice yoga with David Vendetti and the beautiful, loving community at SBY where there is a climate of unconditional love. The drink of choice is not tequila but rather poses that turn on the juice and gets the energy flowing from crown of the head to the tips of the toes to awaken mind, body and spirit. I dive into the depths of breath and explore and discover the beauty of my body.

Beauty, love, self care, tenderness, compassion, mindfulness, grace -- what new concepts for me to integrate into the tapestry of my life. I needed to move out trauma to make room for these concepts in my body, heart, mind and soul. How blessed am I to have David as a teacher and healer! I felt a profound shift in my practice today. I know that wondrous things happen a little at a time (thank you Matthew Sanford) so in truth this shift has been a gradual one but I became aware of the shift from pushing myself in my practice, to allowing my practice to evolve.

So much of my life has been stress, strain and struggle in order to achieve and overcome. While those patterns had a purpose and served me well at the time, in the long haul, I need to be ever mindful of good self care and release competing with myself, pushing myself to get to a certain point. Under David's wonderful guidance, I allowed myself to experience feeling beautiful in my practice and to go deep within to listen to my body. Today's practice focused on opening the hips. David talked about the hips as part of our sensuality and sexuality. They are responsible for how we walk and how we hold ourselves. As we moved through the practice I felt the tightness in my hips and breathed into them gently inviting them to open now. I was mindful of what I was doing and the choices I was making in my practice. I allowed gentle tears to flow.

As we held a pose, David said he hoped we were smiling; smiling because of the choice we made for ourselves. He encouraged us to celebrate with a smile choosing to modify a pose. He talked about how the weather affects our practice and something we can do in the 90 degree heat of summer is something we may not be able to do on a cold day.

I still take myself to the edge but I felt myself taking good care of myself in today's practice. I have a clump of scar tissue on my left leg that pulls on my IT band. Invariably, I move in a way that aggravates this. Today, I used blocks and was tender with my left leg ever mindful of how I moved in order to honor the injury. I protected my knees. When doing abs, I reminded myself of what Pat taught me in our private lesson to move slowly and not just jerk into a crunch. I moved slowly and deliberately finding my way into poses rather than getting into a pose. There was one sequence which, a few months ago, would have been impossible for me. David had us move from goddess pose to eagle arms, to eagle pose at the front of the mat to half moon and back to goddess pose doing a side angle pose on each side in between. I breathed and I flowed. I felt graceful yet strong and didn't concern myself with the 'up leveling' of the pose knowing that this sequence was enough of a challenge for me. How glorious to feel the beauty of a goddess, the soaring of an eagle and to feel connected to something far greater than myself.

At the close of practice, David said that he wants us to have yoga as a lifetime practice; not something we do for one or two years and say oh yeah I did all that and then no longer be able to do it. I was blessed to be able to run the Boston Marathon but running isn't right for my body. I have to sacrifice too much in order to be able to run. Towards the close of practice, David had us sit in boddha kanasana and pull our toes back like opening up the pages of a book. What are we going to write next David asked.....

I need to be patient. I was in shut down and disconnect mode for decades. It's a new experience to open. I honor that polio, trauma and surgeries left their imprint on physical and emotional patterns. How wonderful and wondrous that I can unravel those now. I am writing new chapters every day and letting my love flow and my Spirit fly!

From my heart to yours
With beauty, love and gratitude,
Mary

Mission Accomplished!

2012-01-21T14:40:00.000-08:00

As I first started writing this post, the working title was, "You're such a heel" but I changed it to a quote Pat Donaher used at the end of yoga practice today. As we returned to the pose with which we began class, Pat asked us if we felt more open and more flexibility. As the uh huh's and oh yeah rippled through the mats, Pat announced, "Mission Accomplished!" It didn't matter whether or not we were able to get into the final pose of the day. We were able to open, create space and flexibility which, I add, we carry off the mat and out into the world.

So why you're such a heel for the blog post title? I sent Pat an email before my private lesson yesterday letting him know what I wanted to work on. He asked me to choose a starting place. I said that since my feet are the foundation for my poses, I wanted to work on the difficulty I have being able to sensate my heel. I realized that I use my toes to compensate for the lack of connection I have to my heel especially in my left foot. As we began the lesson and Pat assessed where I did (or more correctly put) did not have sensation, he created this amazing series of exercises to help me isolate muscles left from right and to 'get at' the sensation of feeling in my left heel. He told me the good news is we don't use the inside of our heel for yoga poses (which is where I have no sensation).

He led me through groin stretching with asta gorf on the wall - translation - half frog on the wall. He guided me through how the heel connects to my groin and since I was having difficulty finding sensation in my heel, I couldn't experience the stretch in my groin until Pat had me move my foot into different positions to experience the groin stretch. It is so amazing to me how everything is all connected in the body and to quote Tom Myers, "As above, so below." I have gone from moving and experiencing my body as one part to now differentiating different muscle groups. New areas for exploration come up as I continue to refine and differentiate sensation.

As Pat had me turn my heel one way and my toes the other I asked him what muscles I needed to use in order to make that motion. He helped me distinguish between moving from the ankle (which I did not have the flexibility to do) to moving from the knee and then moving from the hip. There are different times I want to move from different joints but the most important thing is to not strain and overuse to compensate for where I do not have sensation.

As a polio and trauma survivor, I disconnected from my body. While this was an important survival tool, it resulted in my experiencing a lot of disease and injury in my body due to disuse, overuse and not having enough oxygen going to my organs. In my yoga practice, with body awareness and making connections, and learning how to breathe deeply, I am able to begin to fully experience my entire body. I feel healthy and vibrant.

Pat takes us through brilliant sequencing. I love Saturday morning practice because we begin with self massage using massage balls. Pat helps us to open, breathe into the space we created and strengthen the areas we opened and then stretch them. In today's practice I was able to move from plank to low plank to high plank to side plank. This takes strength, coordination, balance and Pat cueing what muscles to fire focusing on what we had previously stretched and strengthened. In today's practice, I realized that if at first you don't succeed - be patient. Pat asked me if I was able to experience my outer heel in one pose. I didn't have it then wait for it - I felt the energetic connection. I am learning to be patient with my body. As I discover the effects of polio, I can feel compassion for myself. As Lindsay Gibson said to me yesterday, "When we no longer treat our wounds as our nemesis, we can find the treasures and see how our wounds are our guru." On my way to class this morning I felt this overwhelming flood of emotion as I said, "I get to go play with my friends." As one who was isolated from others and isolated from myself, it is wonderful to feel connected. Mission accomplished!

The Hideout - from the soon to be released "Songs of Freedom:Poems from a Healing Odyssey:

Crouching behind cement wall
peeking as others joyfully play
on the field.

Running free
happy
delighted to be alive.

Barbed wire fence
around my soul
immobilizing pain.

Wretched one
unworthy to join
the human race.

An angel appears
extended hand
invoking me to join.

Unsteady legs
unsure of my strength
unsure I belong.

Wobbly as a newborn colt
I rise
and break into a glorious gallop.

From my heart to yours
With so much love and gratitude
Mary

Peace and Stillness

2012-01-20T05:42:00.000-08:00

"I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace."- Helen Keller

Peace and stillness do not come easy to trauma survivors. Our neurological systems have been hard wired to go into fight or flight mode. I am so grateful for my yoga practice which, through pranyama and asana (breath and poses), I am beginning to be able to make the shift between my sympathetic nervous system and my parasympathetic nervous system. In the KMI Body Work I have been doing with David Vendetti, we work together to release the trauma bound in the fiber of my body and through his compassionate and healing touch, my body is learning how to find peace and stillness.

I had to take a break from the KMI Body Work to prevent neurological burnout with all the structural changes we made and David suggested I go for a massage. I'd been to many massage therapists and energy healers. I realize that each person I'd seen brought something important to the table that I needed to learn. I'd attracted people into my life who needed to be taken care of. Rather than being able to relax and receive, I would be in my patterned psychological and physical response of being 'on guard' and believing the only way I could get any morsel of nurturing was to take care of the other person. I knew the experience with Joseph Welch would be different because of who he is (David referred me to him) and where I am in my healing journey.

Joseph exudes peace, stillness and being centered. He has a gift of healing, compassionate touch. When he went deep into the fascia, I found myself able to yield to his touch. I allowed myself to release tension and to experience being nurtured. I felt stillness and peace. As Joseph did craniosacral work, I felt the tremors stop completely. I felt the Divine energy flow through Joseph as he helped me to heal. I felt Spirit speak to me and say, you can let go. It's safe now. During the session, I felt heat through Joseph's hands. When I got home, I went to his website and saw that he is a Reiki Master Healer. Indeed he is. Joseph helped me to build on the work David and I do together and I have new muscle memories. I have a new experience to draw from to experience peace and stillness from within and to continue to reset my neurological system. I was able to experience the sadness for the lack of compassionate touch I received while simultaneously allowing Joseph's touch to heal those places within me that had been hurt. Before our session, Joseph talked about the physical pain that comes with awakening areas of the body that were shut down. As I have said many times, and it bears repeating, I'd rather feel the pain than the numbness because opening the doors to those places of pain, trusting in a healer and myself, and letting go, lead me to places of peace, stillness and ultimately freedom.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” - anonymous

Savasana in the Meadow from the soon to be released, "Songs of Freedom:Poems from a Healing Odyssey:

Feisty five year old fighting for her life
deeply ingrained into the fiber of her being.
Struggle to overcome
struggle to allow Divine Love.
Discernment doesn't come easy
resisting the healing touch.
Surrender brings such freedom
easing the pain of transformation.
Tenuous trusting walking gingerly in this new world
unsure of the expansive landscape of love and light.
A knowing deep in the heart of what's right and true
daring to let go and graze in lush pastures.
The Master's Hand painted this magnificent pastoral scene
savasana in the meadow.

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude
Peace
Mary

The Second Act of My Second Act

2012-01-19T05:28:00.000-08:00

I had a life plan. Retire from the VA when I was 56 years old and get a 'little' part time job somewhere. I wanted to retreat in my retirement; escape from all the trauma I had seen as a child and young adult and in the eyes, hearts and souls of the wounded warriors I cared for as a medical social worker at the VA. But life has a funny way of not turning out as we 'plan.' I was being nudged along on a path to find healing and freedom in my life and to bring forth my experience for the highest good.

The Universe was letting me know I needed to leave the VA before I was 'eligible' for retirement. In 1996, I began experiencing symptoms of burnout also known as not dealing with my own trauma history, manifesting as post polio syndrome. Finally in December 2006, I couldn't ignore what my body and heart were telling me to do. After experiencing some relief from chronic pain through trigger injections, learning about energy conservation, using a leg brace and putting limits on how much I was giving at work and at home, I began to feel better. I knew it was time to leave so that I could heal my life.

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

It's been a phenomenal journey. Caroline Dowd Higgins has written a book, "This Is Not The Career I Ordered" and has a blog about women just like me who needed to make a shift in their life's work. I love my gift of poetry. My 3rd book of inspirational poetry, "Songs of Freedom:Poems From a Healing Odyssey" will be released this year. I love writing and blogging (can you tell?) I worked really hard to get my business New World Greeting Cards off the ground and I'm so grateful I have two books of inspirational poetry published. But I realized last year that the Universe was letting me know there was something else I needed to focus on because nothing was happening with my business.

And then I discovered yoga and KMI Body Work. Ohhh I get it, I said back to the Universe. I have more work to do. (Well don't we all?) In 2010 I had forgotten all of the amazing lessons I learned in the first four years of my post VA life. What a blessing I was led to Pat Donaher and David Vendetti whom I lovingly refer to you as the Divine Dynamic Duo. They have been my tour guides to help me heal the trauma and embody who I really am. They remind me over and over again that I'm stronger than I think I am. That I can "Trust it" and that I have gifts and treasures to share because of my journey. Their love and compassion have helped me to stand firmly on my own feet (literally and metaphorically) and claim my life.

I had no idea on January 15th of last year when I had my first yoga class with Pat, as I poured sweat and felt wonderful that I would be writing a blog post today about the second act of my second act including being on the planning committee for Yogathon 2012, helping Lindsay Gibson of Majestic Yoga Studio the weekend that Matthew Sanford will be here, and filling out my South Boston Yoga Teacher Training application. But there are no rules for life. I follow where my heart and Spirit lead me and walk through the doors that the Universe opens for me. It's an exciting, terrifying, exhilarating, wondrous, joyful time this second act of my second act and I'm grateful to share the journey with you my readers. This is the moment ....

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude,
Mary

This Old House

2012-01-18T06:59:00.000-08:00

I love the analogy of my body as a house which is the home to my sacred Self - my Spirit! I realize that at 58 years old I have nothing on Betty White who turned 90 years young but I do want to honor the years and miles that I have in my body. I wrote an article for A Distinctive Style Magazine (see page 82) in which I talk about how I am embracing aging. I have not dyed my hair and love and embrace every wrinkle on my face. I like to focus on my baby blues through which my Spirit shines. While this old house has a lot of creaks and groans in the joints, and faulty wiring, I can feel graceful in a vinyasa yoga flow. With the stretching, strengthening and opening of my yoga practice, I can feel so much heal inside enabling mind, and body to maintain a vibrancy as I age.

In this morning's yoga class with Pat Donaher he had us begin with a pranyama practice and encouraged us to focus on ease in the practice. There is a distinction between ease and easy. While Pat's flow was challenging, I wanted to hold onto a feeling of ease. Being a trauma survivor and experiencing paralytic polio at the age of 5, movement was a challenge and a struggle. Through the practice of yoga, I can find a way to experience peace, harmony and dare I say it - yes - joy in movement.

I remember when I first began the practice of yoga, I was so stiff in my body and breath. I could get myself into poses such as dancer but did not have the feeling of ease and alignment that I am beginning to experience in my practice. I have more confidence in being able to stabilize a pose especially as Pat cues the class what muscles need to fire in order to feel strong in a pose. I cannot feel my heels to push through them while lying on my back to get a good hamstring stretch with a strap. I tend to use my whole foot especially my toes. How wonderful and wondrous that I have the awareness to identify when I cannot isolate muscle movement knowing that my body is always changing and evolving. There are always ways to modify and to find ways to establish the energetic connection even though a neurological connection is absent. Thank you so much to Matthew Sanford for creating this vital paradigm for how to experience the mind/body connection when there has been a spinal cord injury. Thank you Pat for suggesting I put the strap near my heel to begin to make that connection.

In my KMI Body Work with David Vendetti, we talked about moving out the trauma by releasing the trauma that had been bound in the tissue. We create space through the body work and in my yoga practice. Sometimes when I am falling asleep I take note of my breath following it throughout my entire body. It is such a beautiful gift to have this space within my house. I told David that I felt as though I had moved from a cramped studio apartment sleeping in a bunk bed to a mansion. David asked me what to do you before you move to a new place? You get rid of the junk you don't need any more. My house is spacious yet warm and cozy. Sometimes I get shaky and the winds of life can rattle through my windows but I have an incredibly strong unshakeable foundation. This foundation is built on my own strength and the love and support I receive from my family and the beautiful yoga tribe.

This old house has weathered a lot of storms but I am delighted to say it's a very very fine house....life used to be so hard....but everything is easy 'cuz of you....I'll light the fire.

More on the second act of my second act in tomorrow's blog.

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude
Namaste,
Mary

Believe It Or Not It's Just Me

2012-01-17T06:26:00.000-08:00

“Heroism may be the only way to love. Heroism can't be preached; it has only to show itself, and its mere presence may stir others to action.” Henri Bergson

Look at what's happened to me,
I can't believe it myself.
Suddenly I'm up on top of the world,
It should've been somebody else.
Believe it or not,
I'm walking on air.
I never thought I could feel so free eee eee.
Flying away on a wing and a prayer.
Who could it be?
Believe it or not it's just me.

It's like a light of a new day,
It came from out of the blue.
Breaking me out of the spell I was in,
Making all of my wishes come true ue ue.
Believe it or not,
I'm walking on air.
I never thought I could feel so free eee eee.
Flying away on a wing and a prayer.
Who could it be?
Believe it or not it's just me.
{http://www.metrolyrics.com/theme-from-greatest-american-hero-believe-it-or-not-lyrics-joey-scarbury.html#ixzz1jj80kL3u
Copied from MetroLyrics.com}

During yesterday's phenomenal flow with David Vendetti, David made reference to the theme song from a TV show from the 80's, "The Greatest American Hero," and then he sang a snippet from the show's theme song. During my morning meditation, the song came back to me along with a blog post I had written about Celebrating The Hero Within. After I ran the 2009 Boston Marathon, I received many tweets (I wasn't on Facebook yet) and emails hailing me as a hero. I was very humbled by the reception I received and part of me wanted to crawl back into myself because 'being in the spotlight' used to be a very dangerous place to be. I was the subject of much abuse and ridicule.

I am so blessed with a phenomenal yoga tribe at South Boston Yoga. My journey has been embraced by so many and I embrace and honor the journey of the beautiful teachers and students. It is a mutual admiration society supporting and encouraging the Divine Love and light within each one of us. As I prepare physically, emotionally and spiritually to enter teacher training in the Fall, I am mindful of how there is a part of me that is still a reluctant hero. Yet in order for me to step into my role as a healer and teacher, I need to once again fully embrace my acts of heroism. I do so now as a humble warrior.

Healing my life and, as David told me after a particularly painful KMI Body Work Session, intentionally and deliberately going into the most intense places with fierce determination and love, is an act of heroism. Before that session I told David that I was really anxious. He hugged me letting me know it was going to be okay. I knew what was going to surface in that session and I knew the work had to be done in order for me to be free. Actually there were many sessions in which I presented myself in a total state of anxiety. I recall one session in particular, early on in our work together in which David told me that even though I was trembling with fear, I did not let that prevent me from coming to the session. He honored that about me. Slowly, little by little, with courage, faith (a wing and a prayer), a lot of love and hope, I allowed myself to experience and heal the horrific events of my past.

It takes a lot of courage for me to step onto my yoga mat as I move outside and beyond the limiting beliefs I once held about myself and my body. Of course when you have teachers like David and Todd, Pat Donaher, Goldie Kaufenberg, Jacqui Bonwell, and many more teachers I am yet to meet and experience, it makes the journey a delight. After yesterday's class, I had lunch with my friend Julia and one of her fellow teacher trainees, Dee. Julia was reflecting back to me the incredible growth she has seen in my yoga practice. She shared with me that when she introduced herself to me in what was my first class with David that I looked like I could use some support. She went on to say that the joke was on her in a way because I am so strong. I told her that I was so grateful she reached out to me that day because I was nervous (and I am so blessed to have forged a beautiful friendship with her).

I get nervous before every class which is why I arrive early to settle into my space. In winter, I am sore and stiff and need time to warm up and stretch before I enter into the practice. I am learning to honor and embrace what I need. Interestingly enough, it was my yoga force mat which attracted Julia to me.

I used to feel very 'self' conscious about my mat. It helps me with alignment. I used to call it my 'special needs' mat but I don't need to denigrate myself any more. After class yesterday, Goldie introduced me as a beautiful runner, yogini and person. I told her well we have to leave runner out of it since I am no longer running. But I did go back and say that I was a great runner and no one can take away my Boston Marathon medal. I realized how difficult it was for me to hear others honor the hero within me. It's time that I elevate myself to celebrate who I am and the profound effect that my journey has on others. I just finished rereading Ana Forrest's book, Fierce Medicine. Ana talks about how she would be on the fringe of the tribe healing from a distance because she didn't believe she was worthy to be a part of the tribe.

This is a poem I wrote 3 years ago after running The Boston Marathon:

Celebrate the Hero

Celebrate the hero who conquers doubt and fears
Who dares to walk along her path ignoring sneers and jeers.
Celebrate the hero – broken yet still whole
Who sets her heart upon a dream and drives to reach that goal.
Celebrate the hero – ignore what others say
Impossible is nothing – with Love she finds the way.
Celebrate the hero – passion deep inside
Vulnerable and humble heart now open wide.
Celebrate the hero – tune out untruth and lie
The moments now unfolding – it's time for her to fly.

I am allowing myself to step into my Divinity and embrace my humanity and heroism with a humble and grateful, loving, grace filled heart. Believe it or not - it's just me.....

From my heart to yours
With overflowing love and gratitude
Namaste
Mary

To Thine Own Self Be True - Knowing When to Leave

2012-01-16T12:35:00.000-08:00

"This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!" - Shakespeare

Today we celebrated the birthday of Martin Luther King, Jr. The themes of his life were freedom and change. I am so blessed for the freedom and change I have experienced and continue to experience on my yoga mat. Perhaps one of the most stunning changes I made was giving up "being" a runner. The seeds were planted after reading Matthew Sanford's book, "Waking". It took me many months to come to the realization that running is not right for my body. It hurts. I lose my mind/body connection when I run and I was running from a place of ego. I loved getting the feedback on facebook, Daily Mile and Twitter from fellow runners after nailing a PR. I loved the exhilaration of pushing my body beyond its limits and defying post polio syndrome. Never mind that I'd be tired and hurt afterwards; that I would experience mind numbing fatigue. I was after that ever elusive high.

Yesterday on Facebook I posted that even though I am not a runner any more, I still enjoy following the sport. Yesterday was the Olympic Trials for the marathon. I was so excited about the results and was excited about my runner friends' excitement. I am also excited with my husband, daughter and friends who are training for marathons. I am thrilled I get to plan vacations around where my husband can run a marathon. Lindsay Gibson, my dear friend and owner of Majestic Yoga Studio posted on my wall, "bless you for listening and honoring your true self!! you are a true teacher!! ♥"

Knowing when to leave is one of the hardest things that anyone can learn. It was hard to finally let go of running; the high I got and overcoming and pushing through the cold. I was not being loving and caring to my body and certainly not honoring my Spirit when I did that. In addition to leaving running, I have left relationships in the past year and will continue to leave relationships that do not honor and respect who I am. In today's amazing yoga class with David Vendetti, he shared a story about a man who came up to Buddha. He was wielding a sword threatening to kill Buddha. Buddha kept his mindfulness and peace telling the man he would not accept his anger. The man went away sputtering and spitting on himself. The man began to meditate and came back to ask Buddha for forgiveness. Buddha said there was no need for forgiveness. That man is no longer here. David has taught me the importance of holding a place in my heart with loving kindness and compassion for those who I have needed to 'let go'.

It can be a real challenge to keep our peace in the midst of anger but therein lies the freedom. We cannot control or change the behavior of someone else. We can only "be the change we wish to see in the world." Gandhi What is it we need to change? Anything which keeps us from being our true Divine selves. I am delighted that I ran the 2009 Boston Marathon for the amazing soul lessons I learned on the journey and after I crossed the finish line. I felt called to run the marathon. To continue to run and compete in road races is no longer being true to my self. I can offer wisdom, perspective, love and support to those who are running marathons helping them to see, as David so eloquently pointed out in today's class, that the Universe is so much bigger than our ego.

I had two huge breakthroughs on my mat today. No I did not land astavrakasana (although I can say it and spell it now) which was one of the peak poses in today's sequence. It is precisely because I could not land the pose that I had this breakthrough. As everyone was moving from side to side warming up for the peak pose, I moved as I could, which meant I had to stay seated on my mat moving from side to side, relishing what I could do. I felt this overwhelming sense of self love. I felt love for and in my body. I felt so connected to something much larger than myself and I felt the life force flow through me. I felt gratitude and my heart swelled. I was being true to my self honoring and embracing what I could do rather than let my ego wish for something more. Everything was enough in that moment. I felt a sense of celebration and freedom.

During balance poses as my left foot wobbled, I reminded myself of what Pat Donaher told me in my individual lesson. Focus on what you do have and I engaged aductor and core, softening my foot into the floor (and thank you Todd for the cue from Thursday's class) to feel my balance.Throughout today's practice, I was very mindful of feeling grounded and sending energy to my feet. The second breakthrough feels miraculous to me. I was in standing split and all of a sudden I looked down. My left foot was flat on the floor and I felt my entire foot. I felt all four corners of my foot and I felt the energy flowing through it. I wanted to stay in that pose for the rest of the class - smile!

As Ana Forrest pointed out in her recent Huffington Post blog, Exercising Your Caring Heart, "When I am looking at someone that has got a brain injury, or is crippled, or has a spine injury, I can look back into my own life and the hideous experiences that I survived have new meaning, when I apply what I learned to help another. Healing my wounds has become part of my wisdom, part of my polished treasures that I have to offer." I am so humble and grateful to the Universe for opening before me to support me in pursuing yoga teacher training this year. I do not know how or where I will teach yoga. I have this sense I will do something with adaptive yoga, But in today's practice, I realized I have an incredible gift to share and it does not come from being able to attain advanced poses and then teaching them. If I would have held onto my ego and continued running, I would not experience these healing treasures. I would not be fully engaged in my yoga practice. Instead I knew when to leave (and thank God I did before I needed more orthopedic surgery) and am now following my heart's desire - to mine own self be true.

With love and gratitude to my beautiful teachers
To the sangha at South Boston Yoga
and to you my readers
Namaste,
Mary

It's My Yogaversary

2012-01-15T05:46:00.001-08:00

"Your relationship with your teacher is one of the most powerful, fruitful ones you'll have. It gets you to grow & change in ways that no other relationship has, because they aren't always nice to you. It's a really special thing to find someone who loves you enough to be hard on you... who pushes you to be more than you believe you can be." ~ Brook Cosby

"Enjoy the incremental changes you made today and know that what you did today was plenty." - Pat Donaher during savasana

I first must thank Abbie Dotterer, A Grateful Yogi for coining the phrase Yogaversary in her blog. It's been one year since I first stepped onto my yoga mat in earnest and met a teacher who forever changed my life. Pat Donaher - You've read about him a lot in my blog and in my facebook posts. He has been my main tour guide during this past year of finding my way into my yoga practice. Here is the poem I wrote for him to celebrate this special day in my life:

15 January 2012

Dear Pat,
Happy yogaversary to a master Yogi, who helped me to transform my life
Who taught me to let go of the drama, and transcend and heal all of the strife.
With wit, warmth and loving compassion, you guide me to create new space
Despite the effort it sometimes takes for me –
you manage to keep a smile on my face.
When I first came to my yoga mat, a deep breath was such a struggle for me
With patience and perseverance, you guided me to a new way to be.
Cat/Cow was almost impossible, my vertebrae frozen in space
With spheres of love and a lot of practice, my spine now moves with grace.
My down dog needed a lot of work, and plank I could not hold
From the moment that I met you, on a yoga practice I was sold.
I had no idea the journey that would unfold, or the treasures I would find
Being able to link movement with breath, and use my breath to get out of my mind.
There are so many wonderful Pat'isms, “through the mouth” is my favorite one
To sigh and release on the mat and off, struggle transforms into fun.
“You're stronger than you think” and “Trust it”,
words to live by and fuel me each day
Moving me out of the self limiting beliefs, and into a vibrant new way.
Recommending I read “Fierce Medicine”, in Ana's Master Class you said I'd be fine
With sweat, trembling and releasing trauma,
my Spirit sparkles and now I can shine.
You've embraced me and my crazy family, and keep yoga and life filled with play
You can never be irrelevant, in my heart and soul you forever shall stay.
This year has been simply amazing and I love you more than you'll ever know
So much gratitude fills my heart for how you have helped me to grow.
A referral for KMI Body Work – you recognized I had the need
“To my teacher David” you told me to go – a fascinating client - indeed.
With the Divine Dynamic Duo, I am living my life as who I'm meant to be
I feel the Universe has blessed me so – you are so incredibly special to me.
Thank you Pat for who you are, all you do and all that you give
This past year has been extraordinary –
you brought me out of darkness and a wonderful life I now live.

How did I find my way to Beacon Hill Athletic Club and Pat Donaher? Nicole Burrill who is also known as The Sassy Yogini knew that I needed yoga in my life. On New Year's Eve of 2010, I told her I'd make a New Year's Resolution to take one (emphasis on one) yoga class. In January of 2011, she asked her beloved teacher Pat whose class I should take since I live with post polio syndrome. She also told him that I had run the 2009 Boston Marathon. He uttered those fateful words, "If she ran a marathon, she can do anything. Bring her to my class." And so it began.

There was a first time yogini in Pat's class today where I celebrated my first yogaversary. It was so much fun to share my exuberance and excitement for yoga. At the end of class, Pat mentioned that it was four or five years ago this weekend that the Beacon Hill Athletic Club opened and his yoga class was the first class with 10 students. He said that many students have come through his classes who are now prominent teachers in the Boston yoga community. He nodded to me and said that there's one here today who is going to be. I bowed to Pat.

"What's meant to be will always find a way." - Trisha Yearwood
"The most precious love occurs without choice and when we least expect it." - anonymous

I had no idea how much I needed yoga in my life and I had no idea how yoga encompasses life. I found my way into the most amazing yoga tribe. Pat and Nicole were my 'anchors' guiding me to specific teachers and classes and being there to support my journey on my mat. I have learned not only about the technique of yoga but the heart of yoga from Pat. Compassion, kindness, love, laughter, music and wisdom are woven together into the poses and the breath. Today's class was no exception as Pat wove in themes relevant to Martin Luther King, Jr - freedom and change. As we feel individual freedom and create change within us, then we can carry that message to the world.

Pat introduced me to "his teacher" David Vendetti for KMI Body Work. I listened to my intuition knowing I needed to take myself to David's body work table but just as I had no idea how yoga would help me transform my life, I had no idea the healing that would take place in the sacred space of David's body work room. I eventually let go of my fear and ego and took a class with David. I remember the first time I saw David and Pat together in David's Monday morning class. The energy was electric and how phenomenal for me to see the two people together who helped to create the space for me to embody and nurture my Being.

It's been an extraordinary year. I read "Waking" by Matthew Sanford which opened the door to my mind/body connection and helped me to embrace and deepen my yoga practice. I took a Master Class with Ana Forrest. I am embraced and embrace the phenomenal sangha at South Boston Yoga and began new holiday traditions incorporating yoga into the holidays. I have learned the importance of loving kindness beginning with me. I have discovered that I am a beautiful, wonderful, phenomenally loveable person because I am simply Divine who even though I am 'retired' and 58 years old I have so much to offer (more on that in tomorrow's blog post).

I never know what the future will hold. I learned from an early age that life can change on a dime. Yoga helps me to breathe through changes and to detach from outcomes. I am so excited with the propect of meeting Matthew Sanford in March when he comes to Majestic Yoga Studio. I am rolling out my mat for two great causes with Yoga Reaches Out in May. You can donate to my fund raising page. In the fall I am over the moon excited to take Teacher Training with David and Todd at South Boston Yoga. Am I a little anxious? Sure - any new experience especially one which involves anatomy and my body is going to bring with it anxiety. As long as I keep breathing, trust it, remember I am stronger than I think I am and feel my connection to the Divine, I know I shouldn't worry 'bout a thing. After all, as Pat has taught me, the only rule in yoga and in life is to keep breathing; everything else is optional.

Namaste
From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude,
Mary

Healing - Feeling Overjoyed

2012-01-14T09:48:00.001-08:00

It's winter in New England - again and the plummeting temperatures causes my body to stiffen and every ache and pain to surface. So why am I overjoyed? I am so grateful for my amazing healing journey. Joy and gratitude go hand in hand. I'm so grateful I wake up in a warm, cozy bed in a heated home. I do my morning breathing exercises to begin to build internal heat and expand my respiratory muscles. Even though it's painful to walk down the stairs, I don't dwell on the pain. I'm aware of it. I honor it and move slowly. I know that I can transcend the pain with the thoughts that I feed myself. While the tea kettle is heating the water for oatmeal, I check what's happening on Facebook. I come across the status update from A Grateful Yogi. The choice to be struggle free. I can feel my body begin to release struggling against the cold and the pain and stiffness I feel. As I nourish my body with positive thoughts, a healthy breakfast and lots of hydrating with water, I can feel myself enter the day.

I am overjoyed to go to Pat Donaher's yoga class at Beacon Hill Athletic Club Cleveland Circle. . I'm not overjoyed to layer and step out into the cold but so grateful for my hybrid car that heats up quickly. I look ahead to where I'm going rather than get stuck in feeling the cold and pain in my joints. When I arrive to class, I begin to use my 'spheres of love' - massage balls to get the blood flowing and tissue moving. I am going against the feeling of wanting to just be hibernating in bed. It's so important to nourish my body with breath (air), water, feel grounded to the earth and experience the heat (fire) that I can generate through my yoga practice. I hydrate my tissue with self massage.

Today's practice posed some interesting challenges for me with crossing legs and balancing in lunge with legs opposite to each other on the mat. I used to get upset when I'd notice where I experience the residuals from paralytic polio but today I felt a shift in how I experience the challenge. I observe what is happening in my body and send breath, love and compassion to myself. I experience and luxuriate in the familiar poses while extending and deepening the poses that are familiar. I am fully present embracing my yoga practice for how it is nourishing me. Careful movement, deep breathing and opening for my body. Laughter and a beautiful playlist to nourish the soul. Mindfulness as I experience the intimate connection I can now have in my mind/body connection.

During one of our sequences Pat commented that he was glad that a Stevie Wonder song came on when it did because everything is better with Stevie Wonder. I feel overjoyed that even though I am 58 years old, I am discovering how to nourish myself with deep breathing, water, healthy food, yoga, self massage, laughter and love. The trauma is moving out - sigh and deep breath. I continue to experience dreams about the trauma. One night I invoked Jacqui Bonwell into the dream to bring healing. Last night, I invoked David Vendetti's presence to bring healing. I am overjoyed that I no longer force myself to run and to run outdoors in the cold. As Pat pointed out in Wednesday's class, there is no reason to beat myself up for having done something that hurt me - just stop doing it. Instead, I am immersed in a yoga practice with brings such healing to mind, body and spirit. I left Pat's class today feeling overjoyed and rejuvenated.

I am so blessed and grateful
From my heart to yours
With love and light
Mary

I Was Wrecking My Body Before I Came to My Yoga Mat

2012-01-13T09:14:00.000-08:00

There has been a lot of media attention about yoga this past week complete with rebuttals and rebuttals to the rebuttals about a New York Times Article, "How Yoga Can Wreck Your Body". If the article title would have been Can Yoga Wreck Your Body I would have appreciated the query but asserting that yoga can wreck your body set my teeth on edge. You see I have this problem with authority figures; people who, rather than impart their opinion, or make a loving suggestion, set forth a dictate based on fear. I was told by the polio doctor "if you use it, you'll lose it." I am so grateful for all that Western medicine offered me but I knew that what they were telling me was not right for me. It's taken me awhile to find a middle ground and the middle ground I discovered is on my yoga mat.

I have a degree in Communications and know all about controversy and headline grabbers. I know there is no such thing as bad publicity. I also know what is true for me. There was a lot of controversy around my Boston Marathon run with post polio syndrome. I tried to emphasize to reporters that I was not going against medical advice but I was going with what was right for my body at the time. It's amazing how my quotes were distorted and the message I was hoping to convey became a little murky.

But I digress! The best way I know to respond to the NY Times Article as if it needed yet another response is to share how yoga has transformed my life. Interestingly enough, I was wrecking my body before I came to my yoga mat. I was running and pushing myself to achieve PR's. I was back in my Type A mode both on the roads and off. I breathe more deeply, move with more grace and ease, I experience less pain (but more soreness), I laugh more and I cry more. I live life more fully and I take much better care of myself. I listen to my body. I have more energy and I nap more. The ancient art of yoga has given me a way to exercise, get stronger, allow myself to be vulnerable and to heal trauma. I feel more awake and alive. I allow myself to tremble and to allow feelings to flow. I take myself to the edge but then restore and rest. There is more balance in my life on and off the mat. I am more mindful. I eat healthier foods. I even lost ten pounds. I carry myself with more confidence. The spark of creativity was rekindled and I'm almost finished writing my 3rd book of inspirational poetry.

My one year yogaversary with Pat Donaher is on Sunday. I'll be doing a blog post tribute to Pat and share more reflections on this past year for our one year yogaversary. For now, I just want to say God bless the broken road that led me to my yoga mat because, before I came to my yoga mat, I was wrecking my body.

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude
Mary

My Sanctuary

2012-01-12T14:54:00.000-08:00

Ever since hearing Donna DeLory perform Sanctuary live at South Boston Yoga, I have been reflecting on the meaning of sanctuary:

A sacred place; a consecrated spot; a holy and inviolable site.
A house consecrated to the worship of God; a place where divine service is performed; a church, temple, or other place of worship
A sacred and inviolable asylum; a place of refuge and protection; shelter; refuge; protection

For years my body was anything but a sanctuary. It was a place of pain and suffering. During these past five years I have been on a healing odyssey. I had no idea the healing that I would find on my yoga mat. It will be one year on Sunday that Nicole, my dear friend and neighbor brought me to Pat Donaher's yoga class. Slowly, through my yoga practice and with KMI Body Work with David Vendetti, I have been entering into a relationship with my body experiencing it as a sanctuary. My body houses my beautiful Spirit and despite everything that happened, the Divine within me remained untouched by human hands.

Comfort and feeling soothed were foreign concepts to me. My nerves - literally my nerves - were often on fire. I experienced chronic pain and fatigue and did not know how to breathe. Through the practice of yoga, I have discovered that breath is the best medicine. Breathing deeply can calm and engage the parasympathetic nervous system. Last week when I felt the central nervous system fatigue and knew I needed to get to my yoga mat, deep breathing revived me. There has been a gradual, yet radical shift in my mind/body connection and how I feel about my body.

In my individual yoga lesson with Pat last week, he suggested that I focus on using what I do have rather than bemoan and focus on what is missing. It's easy to focus on the profound lack of parenting I experienced but now I focus on what I can do for myself to find comfort, soothing and to create a space for the Divine within me. Today I ventured out to my first yoga class with Todd Erik Skoglund . I experienced Todd's teaching during Thanksgiving and Christmas as he co taught with David. I heard that Todd teaches a magnificent but challenging class. I was anxious this morning before class. There were a lot of feelings coming up for me as a polio survivor going into Todd's class and I just had to observe myself experiencing them. I knew that in the mix of these feelings were feelings about moving towards taking teacher training this year. Taking Todd's class took on a meaning that I am getting very serious about my yoga practice. I'm not sure why or how but it did. All I could do was honor the feelings.

As Todd checked in with everyone, he wanted to know if there were any injuries. I raised my hand and said, 'you know about me, right?' and he said he did and asked if there were anything new going on. I said no and we entered into the practice doing some simple pranyama. Todd said that if we weren't comfortable with what he was cueing then just find something that worked for us. As we moved through the flow I experienced something I had not experienced in yoga class before. It was a combination of what I was feeling inside but also speaks to Todd as a teacher. In one recent class, I felt that I came to my mat not as a trauma and polio survivor but just as me. It was liberating to lose the labels. But today, I felt that Todd's strong yet gentle and nurturing style spoke to honoring and respecting me as a trauma and polio survivor. There was deep healing mind, body and Spirit in how Todd spoke. The way in which he gave choices healed feelings I didn't even realized still needed healing. There was compassion and understanding, honor and respect in the sanctuary of Todd's class.

No one loves a challenge more than I do. After all, I ran the 2009 Boston Marathon and I practice with the best of the best yoga teachers here in Boston. I am mindful of taking care of myself in these classes. (I recall what David advised me before taking Ana Forrest's Master Class. He made me promise him that I would take good care of myself. He did not want me to feel like a had a hangover but feel energized and awakened). Teachers will build poses and take us through levels to get to the pose. One teacher said you get off at your stop on the bus. But today, Todd said that the students who were doing a particular pose, and you know who you are, go ahead and everyone else we'll meet in twisting chair for example. He did not offer the different levels of the pose. Todd did not do any hands on adjustments but guided us to make adjustments through his incredible cues. I was amazed that I was able to engage the parts of my body and have them respond to his cues. I went deep into my body today. During one cue, I could feel the deep healing that was happening inside of me. I could sense where I had many abdominal surgeries. I felt through all of the adhesions and scar tissue and felt a deep connection. I felt that I was opening doors to rooms in my sanctuary that had been closed.

With breath and movement and without the need to challenge myself getting to more difficult poses, I was able to do 'house cleaning' and clear out space. Todd spoke about not forcing poses but only going into poses where we have the space cleared to get into it. In balance poses, Todd recommended that we soften our feet into the ground to bring the energy down and out of our upper body. I connected feet to earth feeling grounded and able to achieve a new sense of balance in balance poses with energy flowing throughout my body. There was one sequence in lunge where we curl in and then rise up. I'm usually unable to feel the strength and power in this flow but today there was a breakthrough in letting go and allowing the movement to happen. Todd commented several times throughout practice, modify if you need to. While I am learning ways to modify poses and feel comfortable modifying in classes, there was something incredibly healing about Todd reminding me to modify. After class I told him it was an incredible gift to have that reminder in today's class.

South Boston Yoga is a sanctuary for me where there is a community of unconditional love and support. It is my home away from home and a place where I play, laugh, cry, discover, uncover, sing, connect with myself and beautiful souls. Today Todd helped me to consecrate my sanctuary. I felt comfortable and safe in my practice and travelled to unexplored territory within. After class Pat came over to me and gave me a hug saying, "you survived." As I said to him, "I sure did and I feel so grateful and blessed."

"I just want to thank you for giving me this life."

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude
Mary

Stay With It-Hold On

2012-01-11T06:43:00.000-08:00

Rise 'n Shine Yoga with Pat Donaher at Beacon Hill Athletic Club challenged me physically and emotionally this morning. Pat began with dolphin and a lot of 'elbow' work. Pat knows how this sequence is difficult for me and he said, "Stay with it Mary." That's all I needed to harness the strength from within to transcend the previous held feelings and challenges associated with the sequence. I observed myself wanting to dissociate and I told myself we don't have to do that any more. It's time for healing and time for living fully in my body. As memories began to surface I thought of them as clouds floating by and had no need to attach to them. I was here to fully engage in my yoga practice. I am here to be fully present and live in the moment. I observed myself wanting to give up and give in to old feelings that I'm not strong enough to do this and who do you think you are anyway at 58 years old doing this? My breath cleansed the thoughts and I recalled what Pat so often says, "Don't think - move!" He cued me to slow it down as there were times when he could see I felt the need to race through the sequence. I was able to slow it down and noticed how I allowed the careful and mindful movement to move into all aspects of my practice this morning.

I recall how in my last KMI Body Work session with David, I realized that I was resisting the work. Once I let go of fighting the work, it was much less painful and I allowed myself to experience the healing. I was a feisty five year old who fought for my life after contracting polio. As Matthew Sanford talks about, the rehab model is one of fighting back and pushing. I don't know if I would have the ability to walk today if I had not pushed as much as I did in my rehab but today there is a new way of Being. Wonderful things happen when I relinquish struggle. I stepped away from fear and moved into my breath allowing myself to build strength and confidence feeling whole inside my body.

After doing the dolphin plank sequence, I could feel how much stronger I felt in plank. Familiar poses felt so incredibly comfortable and empowering. Pat commented that the transition to Warrior II would be easier if I engaged my left leg. It's easy to allow old habits to prevail. I say this without judgement merely observing what is. I noticed how I took a risk moving from side twist in chair pose to twisting lunge by slowly stepping one foot back. It's amazing what happens when I move slowly and deliberately finding my way into a pose feeling the power of my breath to fuel my movement. How amazing to feel a new physical connection once I was able to move fear aside and be able to execute a new movement.

As if the dolphin elbow up and elbow down sequence wasn't enough to challenge my neurological system, Pat has us do lateral movement moving from the front of the mat in half moon through horse pose and then to the back of the mat with half moon pose on the other side. I felt so strong in half moon pose today and moved with grace through the sequence staying totally in my breath and out of self defeating thoughts.

After decades of dissociation allowing trauma and effects from polio dominate my life, it is so freeing, joyful and amazing to now feel the mind/body connection moving through a yoga flow.
Take away lessons from today's class
Embody fear, embrace fear and then release it "If you don't embody where you are, you can't move on to the next level." (One of my favorite Pat'isms)
Allow my breath to keep me out of my mind
Release all that went before and stay in the present moment or as Pat says, "Don't project"
Release struggle
Move as I am able to being mindful of the feedback from my body
Don't beat myself up if something I did is hurting me. Just move out of it and stop doing it.
Stay with the practice - a new Pat quote
Hold on for one more breath or as Pat would say, "You're stronger than you think."

"Hold On"

I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

[Chorus:]
Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day

You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin' your worries pass you by
Don't you think it's worth your time
To change your mind?

[Chorus]

I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains

Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day yeah
If you hold on

Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day,
If you hold on
Can you hold on
Hold on baby
Won't you tell me now
Hold on for one more day 'Cause
It's gonna go your way

Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can't you change it this time

Make up your mind
Hold on
Hold on
Baby hold on

Namaste

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude,
Mary

The Making of Songs of Freedom-Kaleidoscope Heart

2012-01-10T12:49:00.000-08:00

You know how movies often do a behind the scenes look at the making of a particular movie. Here's a behind the scenes look at what led up to the creation of my 3rd book of inspirational poetry, "Songs of Freedom:Poems from a Healing Odyssey."

I am in awe, humbled and grateful for how the Universe reaches out to me inviting my Spirit to come out and play. When I first was diagnosed with post polio syndrome in December 2006, I felt that my world was crashing down around me but a part of me knew this was a blessing and a wake up call. I call it the life giving diagnosis. I was told that the best I could hope for was to stabilize the symptoms if I didn't do too much and if I quit my full time award winning career as a social worker at the VA. I did - well I did not not do too much because I ran the 2009 Boston Marathon but I did quit my job knowing that before I could help others, I needed to heal my own life. I knew on some level I was dealing not only with the post polio syndrome but untreated post traumatic stress disorder.

It was not until I came to my yoga mat in January, 2011 and met Pat Donaher and then at his suggestion found my way to the body work table of David Vendetti that my body started making sense to me.Pat began to help me put the puzzle pieces together of my mind/body connection and acknowledge how trauma manifests itself in the body. I was ready to feel the pain of my trauma experiences that my body held until I was strong enough and ready to release them. Reading Matthew Sanford's book, "Waking" in March 2011 opened my mind, heart and soul to embrace the next phase of my journey.

Even though I began to write poetry in February of 2007 using it as a powerful force of healing in my life, the true mind/body connection was missing. I was still in the 'overcoming' phase of my journey. After writing two books of inspirational poetry, I let my pen become silent. I had talked myself into believing that my poetry was trite. I allowed the gift to wither on the vine until....

David invited me to a holotropic breath work session with his yoga teacher trainees. It was an incredibly powerful experience. {"Holotropic Breathwork™ is a powerful approach to self-exploration and healing that integrates insights from modern consciousness research, anthropology, various depth psychologies, transpersonal psychology, Eastern spiritual practices, and mystical traditions of the world. The name Holotropic means literally "moving toward wholeness" (from the Greek "holos"=whole and "trepein"=moving in the direction of something). The process itself uses very simple means: it combines accelerated breathing with evocative music in a special set and setting. With the eyes closed and lying on a mat, each person uses their own breath and the music in the room to enter a non-ordinary state of consciousness. This state activates the natural inner healing process of the individual's psyche, bringing him or her a particular set of internal experiences. With the inner healing intelligence guiding the process, the quality and content brought forth is unique to each person and for that particular time and place." Source: http://www.holotropic.com/about.shtml}

After the session David told me to go home and write a beautiful poem. I thought why did he tell me to write a beautiful poem? In my email of introduction three months prior I mentioned that I had a new found passion in writing poetry after being diagnosed with post polio, but couldn't believe he remembered. Sure I create original poetry for friends and customers of New World Greeting Cards but two books is all I had in me - or so I thought. During my morning meditation the day after the holotropic breath work, I felt a poem stirring within. Oh my goodness, the creative juices were flowing again. I loved that first poem called "A Song of Freedom." but I was filled with trepidation at sharing it with David. After several rounds of editing, I decided it was time. I took a deep breath and sent it to him in an email. It was during teacher training so I did not expect a response. I let it go grateful that I was able to feel a poem flow through me again.

When I saw David again, he told me he thought the poem was stunning and then a week later sent me an email asking me if I shared it in my blog. Okay. It's time to share my journey again through my gift of poetry and then the most wondrous thing happened. Poems starting pouring out of me again. When I first started writing poetry in '07, I would have a pen and paper near by. Now I have my Droid and text message myself when inspiration flows. Before I knew it, I had a collection of poems realizing I was writing another book. I had this loose collection of poems and was deciding what format to use in the book.

David read poetry from Danna Faulds book, "Poems from The Heart of Yoga: Go In and In". He asked me if I would like to borrow the book and if I liked it, to order a copy for myself. Danna and I have had several email communications. We shared similar experiences with our creative process and journey of awakening. I knew that I needed chapters and needed to organize my poems so that they had a flow and coherency to them. It was funny how I resisted this process and then finally sat down and meditated about how to organize my book. Once I sent out the inquiry, the answer came back right away. Spirit spoke and told me to use the four elements. The chapter titles are:
Through the Fire
Watering the Soul
A Breath of Fresh Air
Unearthing the Treasures

I'm in the final editing stage of my book. I have a very dear friend who has offered to read through the manuscript for me and offer feedback. I have shared several of the poems with David who has been incredibly supportive and loving in his feedback as have several other yoginis with whom I have shared some of the poems. My husband Tom has patiently listened to my reading of every poem. I love feeling connected to my Spirit finding wisdom, truth, healing, love and light. When darkness descends, when feelings overwhelm, it is a blessing to turn to my pen and paper ahem Droid and create and transform.

I'll keep you posted on the birth of my 3rd baby. You can read my 2nd book of inspirational poetry on line on my website and both books are available for purchase through Amazon. I look forward to sharing my gift of poetry with you. My heartfelt prayer is that your Spirit and your heart will open as you receive the words which flowed through me to transform and transcend life's challenges. A gift from my kaleidoscope heart to you ....

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude
Mary

Inch by Inch

2012-01-09T16:13:00.000-08:00

As we entered into today's yoga practice with David Vendetti at South Boston Yoga today, David demonstrated headstand prep which involves using core and then dragging pointed toes towards hands with the eventual goal of lifting up. I was able to get to pointed toes and begin dragging my toes forward using my core but I could not bring them forward at the same time nor could I turn them over at the same time. David sent me some powerful energy with sound effects to encourage this connection. In my private lesson with Pat Donaher, we noticed the asymmetry when I was practicing hopping and landing light one foot and then the other. Before I was 'awake' to hope and possibility, before I could experience love and compassion for myself, a moment like this would have resulted in frustration, shame and a desire to hide. Instead, because of David's love and encouragement, I celebrated what I could do knowing that to quote Matthew Sanford, "Wonderful things happen a little at a time."

Today's class with David was extremely challenging and incredibly exciting for me. To even consider a headstand or a handstand is thrilling. I love being a student of yoga understanding the connection between muscles and movement and being mindful of breath and movement. We started out slowly opening upper body and heart, getting out of our minds and into our breath - the essence of our being to quote David. David guided us through the various muscle groups as he called poses to open and strengthen the various muscle groups. It's a magical mystery tour for me who for decades was so disconnected from my body lugging it around like an albatross. David and Pat fill the journey with love and laughter.

I poured sweat as I worked but it was working without struggle. I realized that for now I am unable to raise my knee from low lunge to high lunge so I remembered what Pat taught me in my private lesson and used a block to modify. Making this new neurological connection is important for me. David talked about blocks being our friends. Knowing what I need to experience a sense of empowerment and grace is a wonderful experience for me. I put my knees down during a challenging push up sequence on blocks to allow me to strengthen my upper body in a way which makes sense for me. I reached and stretched my side body bringing breath to every cell and fiber of my being. I used to clutch when David would have us get up on blocks in down dog but now I embrace the challenge. David gave us several opportunities as he so often does with poses bringing our toes forward and moving toward an inversion. He had us shorten our dog and stack wrists, elbows and shoulders. I internalized his movements taking them into my neurological imagination. As I watched David intently, I brought in my abdominal muscles focusing on engaging them and using the strength of my pecs, biceps and triceps which we had strengthened at the beginning of class and I moved my feet forward together maybe an inch. It took so much effort and concentration but oh the joy I felt in this wondrous journey.

You know when I was growing up and had to endure gym class as a polio survivor, I was trapped in a space of fear, shame, embarassment and isolation. The blessing of yoga, being part of the South Boston Yoga community and having two incredible teachers in Pat and David, is that I can let go of all of those feelings and now feel whole in my body regardless of what the muscle movement outcome might be. During the restorative phase of our practice, David talked about feelings that may come up after opening so much of our bodies today. He said some people may experience elation; others may experience a sense of vulnerability which can lead to fear; but the fear doesn't matter! During savasana David read a stunning meditation. He promised to post the source on his wall. The meditation focused on awakening; how one day we just get it. He addressed taking exquisite care of this temple which is the home for our precious Spirit and the importance of gratitude for the thousand little things in our lives that are so easy to take for granted like a refrigerator full of food or running clean water or a soft bed to crawl into at night. The meditation addressed seeing through illusions and feeling the happiness and freedom in what is. I am so blessed and grateful for every experience which has been woven into the tapestry of my life. I am so grateful for the love, laughter, support and community which helps me to heal and

Inch by inch, row by row, I'm gonna watch this garden grow....

Namaste
From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude,
Mary

Here is the reading from David's class:
The Awakening
By Sonny Carroll

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it ...

When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out "ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on." And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective.
This is your awakening.

You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something, or someone, to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

So you begin making your way through the "reality of today" rather than holding out for the "promise of tomorrow." You realize that much of who you are, and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you've received over the course of a lifetime.

And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about:- how you should look and how much you should weigh,
- what you should wear and where you should shop,
- where you should live or what type of car your should drive,
- who you should sleep with and how you should behave,
- who you should marry and why you should stay,
- the importance of bearing children or what you owe your family,

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin re-assessing and re-defining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.

You accept the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK... they are entitled to their own views and opinions. And, you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a "perfect 10".... Or a perfect human being for that matter... and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare. And, you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others.
Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.

And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" hungry for your next fix, a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by. Then you discover that "it is truly in giving that we receive [1] and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving. And you recognize the importance of "creating" & "contributing" rather than "obtaining" & "accumulating."

And you give thanks for the simple things you've been blessed with, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about - a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, the freedom of choice and the opportunity to pursue your own dreams.

And you begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors, including participating in dysfunctional relationships. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. And because you've learned that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest. And just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit and so you make it a point to create time for play.

Then you learn about love and relationships - how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally, and that not everyone will always come through and interestingly enough, it's not always about you. So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren't done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns; anger, jealousy and resentment.

You learn how to say I was wrong and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to Say NO. You learn that you don't know all the answers, it's not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go.

Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. And suddenly you realize that it's wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities, or meet "your" standards and expectations. You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that "alone" does not mean "lonely" and you begin to discover the joy of spending time "with yourself" and "on yourself." Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know. Self Love. And so it comes to pass that, through understanding, your heart heals; and now all new things are possible.

Moving along, you begin to avoid Toxic people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends. You learn that talk doesn't change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind. Then you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead, you set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.

You learn that life isn't always fair and you don't always get what you think you deserve and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God... but merely a random act of fate.
And you stop looking for guarantees, because you've learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you'll learn to deal with it. And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time - FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears, because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.

Then, YOU LEARN ABOUT MONEY... the personal power and independence it brings and the options it creates. And you recognize the necessity to create your own personal wealth. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And a sense of power is born of self-reliance. And you live with honor and integrity because you know that these principles are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility. Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with "God" (place your own belief here...the light within you, compassion and understanding;) by your side you take a stand, you TAKE a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

The Power of Music

2012-01-08T16:24:00.000-08:00

When I first came to David Vendetti's KMI Body Work table he would tease me about my lack of knowledge about yoga music. I quipped that I was just learning my up dog from my down dog and wasn't able to pay attention to the music being played. So began my education about the beauty and power of soulful music. Just as I had lost connection to my gift of poetry before coming to my yoga mat and working with David, I had lost my connection to music. As I cleared out the trauma, I opened my heart to the beauty and power of music.

Goldie Kaufenberg in a video in which she describes hip hop yoga, talks about how the loud music allows the student to get out of their mind and into the music. Last Thursday I was feeling crummy. The holidays wreaked havoc with my schedule and while there was so much celebration and joy, my body does not take kindly to a change in schedule. I had a choice to either curl up in bed and bemoan my central nervous system fatigue or I could head to my yoga mat. I opted to head to Goldie's hip hop yoga class. The collective breath, the loud music, Goldie's incredible guidance through the physical and spiritual aspects of the practice brought me out of my mind and into a new place physically, emotionally and spiritually. Goldie talked about making a commitment to the practice. It didn't matter whether we chose to commit 50% or 110% but whatever we committed to we needed to follow through. I wasn't sure what I could commit to and had said a prayer before class that I make it through however I could. As we began to come into our breath and I felt the amazing collective energy in the room, the central nervous system fatigue melted away and I felt a strength in my practice. I let the music sweep me away and nourish my Spirit to allow me to move. There was all sorts of energy stuck which moved through as the music blared and I allowed myself to experience Goldie's challenging flow.

Last night was an incredibly magical night at South Boston Yoga as David and Todd hosted Donna DeLory. I fell in love with Donna DeLory's song "Bathe in These Waters" and her duets with Girish are stunning. I knew it was going to be amazing but had no idea how the power of Donna DeLory's music would move me. Donna began the concert with Om Nimah Shivayah after an introduction about trance dancing and having us involved in the creative process of a remix of My Sweet Lord. Before singing He Ma Durga, (Youtube video above) Donna shared with us how, when she was pregnant, she was so scared but a friend introduced her to the song and she discovered the power of calling upon mother, goddess, the Source of Love and Compassion through this chant. The power of Love and Compassion flowed through her voice and the entire community as we chanted together.

She amped up the music and had everyone including my husband and me dancing. Tom and I have not danced in I don't know how long. The music was intoxicating and we had a rhythm and freedom in our movement that we had never experienced in our almost 34 years of marriage. There was 'kirtan karaoke' as Donna called it. For those of you not familiar with Donna, she was a back up singer for Madonna and is what some would call a 'celebrity'. But that's not what she is about. She is so authentic and stepped off the 'stage' to dance with everyone. She commented about how David is someone who knows he is Divine as he just let the movement flow from within. The vibration of the room was electric as the power of the music stripped away a sense of self consciousness and brought us together in One Love.

After the concert, Donna hung out with us signing CD's. She asked us if we were inspired. We told her that we had not danced like that in our 35 years of being together. Her band was phenomenal and the power of the rhythm from her percussionist connected to the beating of my heart.

In today's yoga class with Tracy Rodriguez , her amazing playlist brought me out of my mind and into my breath. Although I was tired from getting home late after dancing and singing the night away at South Boston Yoga, I found strength through the music. Strength includes allowing myself to go into child's pose when I felt cooked. I had a yoga first in Tracy's class as I nailed dekasana - airplane pose. I focused on my drishti and put together all that Pat Donaher and I have been working on in individual lessons. I drew strength from the yoginis around me and the music fueled my spirit with joy, love and light.

I am so blessed to feel the intoxicating effects of music that heals, that opens, that brings me to new places and takes me out of my mind and into my heart, my breath, my Spirit - the essence of my Being.

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude,
Mary

Transcendence-"We're Starting Up a Brand New Day"

2012-01-07T11:28:00.000-08:00

"We're starting up a brand new day."

Matthew Sanford in his book "Waking" talks about transcending trauma. Today in Pat Donaher's yoga class at Beacon Hill Athletic Club I experienced transcendence. The labels of being a polio and trauma survivor were gone and I found myself practicing yoga - as just well, me. One of my favorite "Pat" phrases is you have to embody where you are in order to go to the next level. I needed to embrace and embody 'being' a trauma and polio survivor, accepting what was in order to experience transcendence. It was a mystical practice today as I became mindful of my movements. I noticed how even the smallest of movements can shift how I express a pose. I remembered Pat telling me yesterday to remember to "use what you've got." That's a great lesson for on and off the mat. It is so easy to bemoan what is missing and in the process I literally and figuratively end up off balance. But when I focus on what I do have (and believe me I am so incredibly grateful for how much of my physical being is functional), I am able to find balance and strength. It's the first time that I felt whole coming to my yoga mat. I have had moments of 'not feeling damaged' and one which I recall with incredible fondness on David Vendetti's bodywork table (during which I announced to David I don't feel damaged; his reply was well I certainly hope not as only David can express a spiritual absurdity) but today I transcended the feeling of 'being damaged'. I was on my mat to open and experience the practice. As we did poses which involved bending knees, I felt both sadness for what went before and incredible feelings of joy and freedom for possibility and new opportunity.

At the beginning of class, Pat told us to have our socks or a towel nearby. My initial reaction was an audible groan. I knew that this meant abs and sliding on the floor which we had done a version of in David's class in South Boston Yoga on Christmas. It was not pretty. I then shifted gears and told myself to "not project" as Pat instructed me in our private lesson yesterday and allow myself to experience the experience however it unfolded. As Pat demonstrated the 'makeshift pilates' sequence as he termed it, I drank in his movements into my own body allowing my neurological system to imagine the movement in my own body. I loved watching Pat's graceful movements. The most wonderful thing happened. At first, I was stuck and couldn't figure out how to move my feet back. I turned to the person on the yoga mat next to me and asked how are you going back? She said to me just let go and slide. I did and then I was able to do pointed toes and bring my toes forward. I remember Pat telling me in yesterday's lesson to not stop even though your feet are telling you they can't go any further and I worked hard to take this sequence to my edge. I felt a new sense of playfulness in my body. At the end of the sequence Pat said to quote Henry Ford, "If you think you can't, you're right." My personal trainer from my Boston Marathon training days would often quote, "Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right."

I want to hold onto this feeling of transcendence stepping into the experience of 'being'.

If only... From the soon to be released, "Songs of Freedom:Poems from a Healing Odyssey"

If only I could stay in the sacred space of My Spirit
to feel the delicious warmth and leaps of joy
If only I could sweep away all the fear, the doubt
to allow my Spirit to take center stage
If only I could live in Love
and allow trust to be in the spotlight
If only I could let peace wash over me
and watch anxiety go out with the tide
If only I could wholeheartedly believe what I know to be true
and allow my heart to bathe in delight
If only I allow myself to experience all the magic and wonder
that life has to offer
If only I allow my heart to break wide open
crushing the walls of protection and Divine Love comes rushing in
If only I live my truth
and allow me to be my authentic self
When I throw off the shackles of the past
if only becomes now.

Thank you to the Divine Dynamic Duo of Pat and David, and to the wonderful teachers and community in the Boston yoga tribe for the support and love on this amazing journey.

I bow to you
Namaste
From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude,
Mary

It's My Turn

2012-01-06T10:41:00.000-08:00

Lyrics to It's My Turn

I can't cover up my feelings
In the name of love
Or play it safe
For a while that was easy
And if living for myself
Is what I'm guilty of
Go on and sentence me
I'll still be free

It's my turn
To see what I can see
I hope you'll understand
This time's just for me

Because it's my turn
With no apologies
I've given up the truth
To those I've tried to please

But now it's my turn
If I don't have all the answers
At least I know
I'll take my share of chances
Ain't no use of holding on
When nothing stays the same

So I'll let it rain
'Cause the rain ain't gonna hurt me
And I'll let you go
'Though I know it won't be easy

It's my turn
With no more room for lies
For years I've seen my life
Through someone else's eyes

And now it's my turn
To try and find my way
And if I should get lost
At least I'll own today

It's my turn
Yes, it's my turn
And there ain't no use in holding on
When nothing stays the same

So I'll let it rain
'Cause the rain ain't gonna hurt me
And I'll let you go
'Though I know it won't be easy

It's my turn
To see what I can see
I hope you'll understand
This time's just for me

Because it's my turn
To turn and say goodbye
I sure would like to know
That you're still on my side

Because it's my turn
It's my turn

It's my turn
To start from number one
Trying to undo
Some damage that's been done

But now it's my turn
To reach and touch the sky
No one's gonna say
At least I didn't try

As I move deeper into my yoga practice, I am deepening my mind/body connection. As I have so often said, I am so blessed and grateful to have Pat Donaher as my tour guide on this amazing journey to heal trauma and polio. I sent Pat an email before our lesson this morning and he asked me which of the 3 things I wrote him about I wanted to focus on. I told him my main focus is to get the sensation of my heel especially my left heel and opening up from lunge into Warrior II. Somehow, he was able to incorporate all of the elements I had wanted to work on in today's practice. I am constantly amazed by Pat's ability to improvise and take me to places I did not ever believe I could get to in mind, body and spirit.

One of the phrases Pat uses which is becoming my mantra is "Don't think. Move". Today he reminded me to not project into the way something might go and to focus on moving in the present. It's easy for me and my body to remember what was. I suggested to Pat that I pretend I have amnesia and he appropriately replied, "amnesia isn't real because the body always remembers." He has reminded me, "until you embody where you are, you can't move to the next level." I'd like to skip over the body memories of trauma, polio, surgeries and being in a cast which results in great difficulty feeling fluid movement as I bend and straighten my knees but once I move through them literally and figuratively, I am free to create new muscle memory and new patterns in movement.

It is utterly amazing to me the strength which comes with breath and having someone who is compassionate, skilled, with a delightful sense of humor, and who knows when to push me in a loving supportive way. Pat allows me to take risks with my body. As we moved through engaging the parts of me that held a lot of trauma, I began to sweat. If there is a weak connection (like to my heel or the inside of my left foot), it is easy for me to fall out of a pose and lose everything. Pat reminded me today to use what I have. Engage aductor, abs, breath and hold steady. He lovingly said it's time for my left leg to grow up. He's right.

It's been 53 years in the making but it's my turn. It's my turn to experience and identify the effects of the polio and to find creative ways to maximize sensation and to use the muscles which remain in tact. One of my goals is to be able to hop to the front of my mat. Pat took me through several sequences helping me to identify which muscles I need to engage for hopping. He had me walk an inch at a time holding out my breath to the front of my mat so I could pull in my abs. He had me go into a 3 legged dog and then take graceful hops landing light. When I hopped on my right leg, I was able to land light. As I hopped on my left leg, I could feel where I got stuck. My hip was extremely tight and there was a lack of a smooth neurological connection going down my leg. Pat had me do side abs to engage the sensation necessary to begin to make this connection.

It's my turn to release the trauma and to allow new ways and waves of movement to happen in my body. The emotions of sadness and pain co exist with the joy of living fully in my body. It is incredibly joyful to feel strength and to feel my body move in a way it could not move before. I work hard at this, but there is also a sense of play and the rewards are phenomenal. Freedom. A sense of mastery. A sense of vibrancy throughout my whole being as doors once tightly locked shut are opened with a breath of fresh air moving through bringing new life to my cells, tissue and muscles. There is a feeling of balance on and off the mat. There is compassion, love, awareness. With arms open wide to embrace every moment of every day I say, "It's my turn."

With overwhelming love and gratitude
From my heart to yours,
Mary

Getting to Know You

2012-01-04T06:06:00.000-08:00

"Because of all the beautiful and new
things I'm learning about you
day by day..."

It took 58 years but at last I am getting to know me and feel a mind/body connection. I am blessed and incredibly grateful to have Pat Donaher as a tour guide on this amazing journey. It's hard to get up at 5 am when it's dark and the thermometer reads 8 degrees plus a wind chill but I know that it will be well worth my effort to get myself to Pat's Rise 'n Shine yoga class at Beacon Hill Athletic Club. When Pat did his before class check in I said that I felt sore and stiff. He said that's to be expected with the weather. He created a flow that would get the heat flowing beginning with breath work. He said that it's important to feel the strength of the breath but to allow the breath work to happen without force or struggle.

I smiled inwardly. Force, struggle and fighting was the mode that I had known all my life. I had to concentrate intently to allow the breath work to be strong but relaxed allowing my breath to flow. As we moved through the practice, Pat reminded us of where we needed to feel strong in order to maintain the integrity of the pose. His style enables me to connect to those parts of myself that are 'sleepy', work from my core, side body or feel strength equally in both legs and feet. When once I did not know an ab from an aductor, Pat guides us through the anatomy necessary for a pose. When once I wanted nothing to do with this body of mine feeling it was a burden to lug around, I now have this sense of delight and wonder even when there are challenges.

Pat checked in with me after a sequence from side plank, to bringing the foot half way up the mat and then engaging the strength of the side body to lift the foot, asking if it was a neurological or strength challenge or both. I told him it was both and he said we can work on it. I said, "Yes we can work on anything." I felt a shift as I said those words today from working on something to achieve a particular pose to working on something to deepen my mind/body connection and understanding of my glorious home. The joy is in the journey! Pat's incredible wit keeps us smiling through the sweat.

I have even begun to take power naps when I am tired rather than struggling through the day. Whenever I feel my energy wane, rather than push through to get something done, I recall the words of David Vendetti who said in class, “rather than fling yourself into a pose, wait until your energy returns.” I don't expect my phone to work when the battery is run down so how can I expect myself to run when my battery is low. It needs recharging. I can 'force' my body to do just about anything. After all, I ran a marathon but now I am learning to live in harmony and work in tandem with my body because, to quote Matthew Sanford, "your body is the best home your mind will ever have. Keep listening. Keep the faith."

Pat did a sequence with elbows and he cued feel your left elbow press into the mat. I wasn't even consciously aware of the sound I made but Pat reflected that there was a sigh of recognition. Yes, there is a connection there. It's exhilarating to experience a deepening of getting to know and understand my body. Despite the results of trauma and paralytic polio which manifest in different ways at different times, there is an ability to intimately connect mind and body. The bridge is built of breath, love, acceptance, and releasing limiting thoughts. It takes incredible courage and discipline to move out of old ways of being but as Ana Forrest says, “evolve or die.”

I was among the throngs of people who walk through life disembodied. Yoga has helped me find my way home to a place of self love and healing. I am amazed at the transformation that happens after every yoga class especially with Pat who knows me so well. He invites me to deepen my relationship with myself allowing for curiosity, play and detaching from any specific outcomes inviting all of us to take the risk to fall if we attempt a particular pose. After this morning's class I realize why I am choosing yoga as my sole form of exercise for now. When I work out on machinery such as a recumbent bike, treadmill, or elliptical, I lose the mind body connection and numb out. I've had enough of that to last a lifetime. When the warmer weather returns, I will get out and enjoy power walking but for now I am whistling a happy tune (another Rodgers and Hammerstein classic) as I am getting to know myself on and off my yoga mat as my Spirit is liberated to experience all the deliciousness that life has to offer.

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude
Namaste
Mary

What a Ride!

2012-01-03T06:03:00.000-08:00

I remember like it was yesterday. Five years ago today I waited for my first injection at Spaulding Rehab Hospital to ease the pain of cervical spine disease. I was in a short leg brace, using a cane for support to walk short distances but needing a wheelchair for longer distances. I used Peapod for groceries. I had pain everywhere and felt weak as a newborn colt. I hadn't yet begun writing poetry. I had realized that post polio syndrome was a wake up call for me mind, body and Spirit. I was terrified of what the future held having been told that the best we could hope for was stabilization of the symptoms of post polio syndrome; the doctor said that I needed to quit my job just "3 years shy of retirement". Somewhere, somehow the sparks of my Spirit were flickering with an overwhelming desire to heal.

These past five years have been an incredible ride. I've run the Boston Marathon. I had a relapse of symptoms. I charged headlong into self defeating behaviors in 2010 and then in January of 2011, found my way to my yoga mat. In yesterday's yoga class with David Vendetti, as I was sweating and taking myself right up to the edge, David commented about feeling something exciting happening in your body. In the literal and figurative heat of the moment, I didn't quite 'get' what he was talking about but as I reflect on that moment, I can feel the exhilaration of feeling these delicious new sensations in my body. It's easy to dump the sensations into the category of pain but I am experiencing a new relationship to 'pain' discerning what is pain that is a warning signal and what is a sensation that is uncomfortable because it is new. What a ride!

I feel utterly blessed to have such amazing teachers in my life who guide me through this wonder land of mind, body and Spirit. At the community at South Boston Yoga, we are 'blessing in each other's lives' - a phrase David and I came up with after a KMI Body Work session. I feel grateful for the gift of polio, trauma and post polio in my life. I'm not sure if I would have such a deep appreciation and sense of wonder and awakening had these events not happened to me. That is my healing story, (to quote Matthew Sanford) and I'm sticking to it. I also would not have met the amazing people who are in my life right now.

After the intense work of the practice, David talked about treating our bodies with tenderness and kindness. When he speaks those words, I experience tenderness and kindness flowing through his heart to mine. I see compassion through his eyes and am able to weave compassion into the fabric of my Being. In social work theory there is something called a 'corrective emotional experience' when healing trauma. Given the hot mess of my family of origin, it takes a steady infusion of unconditional love, kindness, tenderness, compassion and awareness to heal. I am incredibly grateful for my gift of poetry that helps to clear out what Ana Forrest calls the "spiritual smog" that bogs down my Spirit. Poetry allows for clarity as I toss the thoughts and feelings onto paper that have their origins in my human experiences. I bless them and transform them with my Spirit finding the golden nuggets of Truth wrapped inside the experience.

Every day is an incredible gift. I remember when I didn't care whether or not I woke up in the morning despite, by all appearances, having everything - a loving husband, children, a house in Brookline and an award winning career at the VA. I was broken in mind, body and Spirit. I am healing. My heart is full. My life is so rich and wonderful beyond anything I could have ever possibly conjured in my imagination. Tears of joy and gratitude water the garden of my soul. Always hold onto hope and possibility. Buckle up. Have faith and enjoy this incredible ride!

"Faith is believing you can close your eyes and touch the sky." - Martina McBride

From my heart to yours
With love, joy and gratitude,
Mary

Wide Open Spaces

2012-01-02T13:26:00.001-08:00

Waking up this morning after a weekend of a very different schedule, feeling tired and achy, I turned inward to listen to my breath and the phrase wide open spaces came to me. Having experienced trauma, it is easy for my mind, body and Spirit to go into shrink wrap mode. It was a mechanism for self protection and a mechanism which no longer serves me. At New Year's Eve 'Rockin' Flow' at South Boston Yoga, David Vendetti suggested that we toss out a thought or an object that no longer serves us as we move into the New Year. I love to declutter and throw things out as my husband will attest to (much to his chagrin at times) but trauma thoughts and feelings take a lot of effort to toss out. I have worked hard both in KMI Body Work and my yoga practice on and off the mat to create space inside; space for my Spirit to luxuriate and feel expansion and physical space to be able to deepen my breath, feel grounded with my feet, sit bones and to be able to lift up out of my hips and open my heart. As I said in a previous blog post, "I Like How It Feels."

Sometimes, when 'trauma feelings' are about to break through, there is a desire to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed. There is a desire to disconnect from the discomfort in my body and in my heart. Thoughts of unworthiness take over and retreat is on. Moving is an effort. So I tell myself I get to choose if I am going to continue to put one foot in front of the other and move forward or if I am going to give into the tugging to go back to where it was 'safe' and familiar. I chose to begin my pranyama using the techniques that two of Ana Forrest's assistants showed me after her Master Class. I thought of Ana's words to me that she wrote in my book, "Breathe your exquisite Spirit into every cell every day. Walk in Beauty." I did the breath work that my beloved teacher Pat Donaher taught me and allowed my breath to cleanse and refresh me mind, body and Spirit. After finishing the pranyama, I heard Pat's words, "taking your time, curl up on your right side" and I allowed myself to just be and slowly made me way to rise out of bed and into the day.

I moved into my foam roller, calf stretches and massage balls honoring that it takes tremendous discipline for me to maintain this regimen. I thought of Matthew Sanford's words in his book, Waking "Living thus far has taken quite a toll. And yet I would trade nothing." I packed my bag for Monday morning yoga with David at my second home, South Boston Yoga. Throughout my morning routine and en route to class I remind myself that I have friends - real friends in an amazing community. There is an energy of love and light I experience every time I walk into South Boston Yoga. We greeted each other wishing each other Happy New Year and the loving energy flows through hugs and acknowledging each other's special presence.

David's flow today was simply stunning. He began with flowing from child's pose to table top to lowering down from hands and knees; to baby cobra and back to child's pose. He talked about allowing this movement to be like an ocean wave. I remember when I first began individual lessons with Pat. I could not link breath to movement and my spine had very little mobility. How amazing to feel the wide open spaces in my vertebrae and in my breath as I felt myself ripple through this sequence. As we got into the flow, it became very challenging. I took myself right up to the edge as my legs trembled. My pecs, triceps and back muscles were on fire and it wasn't until I could no longer hold the pose another minute that I went back into child's pose. David cued a lot of elbows up and elbows down. I can feel the neurological connections, the strength and confidence as I moved through these sequences. I poured sweat today feeling the heat go from my core and then from my upper body. I felt everything open and reminded myself to move from a sense of wide open spaces instead of fear and doubt.

I experienced a sense of lightness. David had us sequence through hopping to the front of our mat and going back into down dog several times. While I am not quite there - yet - I remember when there would be such a sense of heaviness moving from down dog to the front of the mat as though there were weights on my legs. One sequence which remains extremely challenging for me is lifting my leg off the mat when in low lunge. I feel the neurological dead zone on my left side and will continue to work with Pat in my individual lessons on making this connection. I was able to get a little movement on my right side but as Matthew Sanford says, healing happens even when there is no muscle movement. Allowing myself to be fully present throughout my whole body in wide open spaces without judging the 'damage' from polio is healing.

David could tell when we were 'cooked' and he reminds us that when we are cooked, it's time to take it out of the oven and moved us into child's pose. David reminded us about the balance between rest and hard work and making choices listening to what our bodies need. As we moved through the flow, I moved with grace embodying my moniker, "Graceful Lady". During savasana, David read a meditation. As he sensed emotions flowing in the room, he said, "Don't hold back. Break through the wall. Let whatever feelings are coming, come. Let your heart break open and allow yourself to experience the support in the community." Laughter, love, joy, trust, support, unconditional love are delicious new experiences for me which only happen when I allow myself to move out of the trauma and into wide open spaces.

With so much love and gratitude
From my heart to yours
Namaste
Mary

We Are Family

2012-01-01T09:22:00.000-08:00

Lyrics to "We Are Family"
We are family
I got all my sisters with me
We are family
Get up ev'rybody and sing

Ev'ryone can see we're together
As we walk on by
(FLY!) and we fly just like birds of a feather
I won't tell no lie
(ALL!) all of the people around us they say
Can they be that close
Just let me state for the record
We're giving love in a family dose
Living life is fun and we've just begun
To get our share of the world's delights
(HIGH!) high hopes we have for the future
And our goal's in sight
(WE!) no we don't get depressed
Here's what we call our golden rule
Have faith in you and the things you do
You won't go wrong
This is our family Jewel

At the New Year's Eve rockin flow at South Boston Yoga there was no mention of goals or resolutions or vision boards. I honor people who choose to set goals, resolutions, create vision boards as a New Year begins. I will freely admit that at times, I was one of the people who felt all the pressure of a New Year to set the world on fire and set goals for achievement for the coming year. I would feel disappointment if those goals were not coming to fruition as the year wound down. I was also one of those people who some years hated New Years Eve and would often go into a meltdown and a tirade about how stupid it was to celebrate New Year's Eve. Last New Year's Eve, I took a first step on what would turn out to be a journey of a lifetime. I made a resolution to try one yoga class. That was the best resolution I ever made.

I knew this year was going to be a very different New Year's Eve experience for me but had no idea how magical and mystical New Year's Eve could be. There was an overwhelming feeling of family, community, comfort, peace and making every day a new year. David and Todd created a delicious flow and meditation to wring out 2011 and usher in 2012. I was a little anxious about my body's ability to practice yoga at 10 pm since the latest I have ever practiced was at 7:30 pm and that was for a restorative class. But with the flow of collective energy of unconditional love, my usual evening fatigue melted away. David and Todd created this sacred celebration to honor the passing of one year and moving into a new year. We were mat to mat to mat. Sweat poured. Breath flowed and laughter was shared during one particularly challenging sequence. There was hard work, strength, flow and then stillness. Before we entered savasana, David led us through intense pranyama so we would feel energized and heated as we went into our rest. I felt so much release. I always need to be reminded to exhale everything out and create space and take in that extra sip of air because there is always more room than we think.

David guided us through a year's end meditation. He suggested that we find an object or a thought that no longer serves us and throw it out. He mentioned how Sadie Nardini suggests that we think about our thoughts and what would a relationship be like if we had a relationship with what we say to ourselves. The negative self talk would not make for a sustaining and nourishing relationship. There was a sense of timelessness. There was no sense of impending countdown to midnight. There was no sense of hype and there was no champagne toast. There were hands placed over hearts and then a hand extended to the person next to us in comfort and peace. I instinctively placed my left hand on the shoulder of my friend next to me. She placed her hand on my left thigh. I felt the circle of heart energy flowing between us.

Fireworks were heard in the distance. No one moved. I felt the fullness of my Spirit and a connection to everyone in the room and beyond. David said, "Those are the fireworks. Namaste." And in hushed tones we wished each other Happy New Year. How incredibly grateful am I that I ushered in a New Year with my husband, with my beloved teacher, Pat Donaher and beautiful friends in the SBY community. There was tea and cookies and then celebration! I mentioned in a previous blog post that I was going to bust a move when David put on his playlist for the dance extravaganza. It was after midnight and here I was feeling energized and so incredibly joyful. I jumped, I bumped, I had this sense of delicious reckless abandon as yogis and yoginis danced the night away fueled on pure delight and unconditional love. We are family!

With love and gratitude
From my heart to yours,
Mary

What Are You Doin' New Year's Eve

2011-12-31T06:53:00.000-08:00

A new New Year's Eve tradition begins as my husband and I ring in 2012. We will be going to South Boston Yoga for a "rockin' flow", meditation and dance party. If you would have told me a year ago that this is how I'd be spending New Year's Eve, I would have told you you were crazy. Yoga? Dance? Me? No no no. I run and I ran a marathon and I work out at home but yoga? Dancing? One year ago I made a New Year's Resolution standing in the house of my friend and neighbor Nicole Burrill to "try one yoga class". As Ana Forrest says, "The Sacred Ones" intervened through her. She led me to Pat Donaher who in individual yoga lessons and in class has helped me to wrest loose from trauma and heal my mind/body connection. Nicole also connected me to Lindsay Gibson of Majestic Yoga Studio who was hosting Matthew Sanford in March. Pat introduced me to 'his teacher' David Vendetti for KMI Body Work. The Divine dynamic duo of Pat and David along with Matthew Sanford, Ana Forrest and many beautiful teachers in the Boston Yoga Tribe have made my 2011 the most magnificent year of my life.

So what's in store for 2012? My first answer is I don't know. I am learning to be open, listening and discerning for guidance. Who would have known that I would be where I am today when 2011 began? I was planning to run a half marathon in Bermuda in January 2012 and train for the full Bermuda marathon in 2013. Funny how life happens when you're making other plans. I intend to finish and publish my 3rd book of inspirational poetry, "Songs of Freedom:Poems from a Healing Odyssey", and my autobiography, "Why Do Squats Make Me Cry". I plan to take teacher training with David Vendetti at South Boston Yoga in the fall. I will continue with body work to help with my healing process and maintain my regular yoga practice. I am on the planning committee for Yogathon 2012 and will be fund raising for my mat. I will be meeting Matthew Sanford in March and know that will be a life changing experience.

A New Year is a continuation of the flow of life. When I wake up tomorrow morning, it will be the next day in my life. My intention is to continue to grow and evolve on this magical mystery tour of life. My intention is to continue to unloose the ties that bind me to what no longer serves me and to experience happiness and freedom in my life. My intention is to experience balance, harmony, joy, laughter, love and peace; extend loving kindness and compassion to myself and to those around me. My intention is to continue to be open, live from my heart, walk in Beauty and add to the Beauty of the world around me. My intention is to continue to inspire others with my healing journey; to let others know that Life is phenomenal when we allow ourselves the opportunity to heal and move forward.

Happy New Year!
With love from my heart to yours,
Mary

Strength, Grace, Flow and ... Magic

2011-12-30T07:05:00.000-08:00

I often talk about magic moments on my mat but never really tuned into what magic on my mat means. In one of my favorite movies, "Sleepless in Seattle", Tom Hanks talks about the million little things he missed about his wife but he recalls the moment he took her hand when she was getting out of the car "It was magic." Annie, the character played by Meg Ryan goes on to have this discussion with her mother about Magic and relationships. During my body work session with David Vendetti somehow Magical Mr. Mistoffelees came into our conversation. Today during Vinyasa Flow class, I felt the magic. I realize that it is easy to attribute the magic and what happens to me on my mat to the teacher but in truth, the magic comes from a place within me. With David and Pat Donaher as my tour guides, I am beginning to experience strength, grace (David often uses my monniker Graceful Lady when he talks with me or posts on my Facebook wall) and flow. I take my body to places it has not been before. Magic connects me to a sense of mysticism and awe; experiencing something beyond what the visible eye can understand. Magic is conjured and created from within. It is powerful and as with Mr. Mistoffelees, it is used to delight. Let me rewind for a moment to yesterday.

I was really struggling with my relationship to the head tremors I experience. As my beloved teacher Pat Donaher says, "You can't move to the next level until you embody where you are." The head tremors wax and wane. Sometimes after a yoga class, when my parasympathetic nervous system is fully engaged, they are quiet. When David was working on my neck and had a strong hold on my head, there was stillness. He noticed that when I was seated in the chair and turned my head to the right, they stopped. The tremors are multifactorial. He let me know that as we are unwinding and loosening previously held patterns, they might actually worsen in the short run. But no matter. I had work to do.

I reflected on the meaning of the head tremors and my attachment to them along with my desire to be rid of them. Funny how feelings of self loathing and rejection can still rear their head. I recall how people would say to me, "What's wrong with you? Are you okay? Do you have Parkinson's?". I realize that people's reaction to the tremors were in large part a reflection of how I felt about them. I dug deep and then I turned to my pen and paper and wrote a poem:

Transform the Tremors from the soon to be released, "Songs of Freedom:Poems from a Healing Odyssey"

Peace eluded me as I went through life with something to prove
a chip on my shoulder to hide all the pain
arrogance, pride and ego driven to mask the past.
I was a leper shunned
filled with emotional toxic pus of shame and guilt
destined to live a life in isolation.
Pain and fear were embedded in the fiber of my being
trembling with mistrust yearning to receive
touch set every nerve ending on fire.
I was a slave to the past
shackled in mind, body and Spirit
in a jail cell surrounded by the walls of trauma.
Tremors my scarlet letter
that cannot hide
the truth.
Release the feeling of standing before him
cowering in fear
waiting for the strike.
A smile flashes across my face
seeing my reflection
in the mirror.
Can tremors diminish the Truth of my Being
the beauty and wonder
of an exquisite Spirit shining through the azure eyes of a mystic?
They are the reflection of battle scars
a neurological system gone haywire
in the face of unspeakable acts.
Accept with grace and courage
transform the tremors
let peace descend.

Here's to wonder, magic, mysticism, being connected to the Divine seeing with our hearts and unloosening the ties that bind.

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude,
Mary

I Like How It Feels

2011-12-29T06:44:00.000-08:00

Lyrics to I Like How It Feels
"It's my time, it's my life,
I can do what I like
For the price of a smile, I've got a ticket to ride
So I keep living, cause it feels right

And it's so nice, and I'd do it all again
This time, it's forever
It gets better, and I I, I like how it feels

I like how it feels, I like how it feels
I like how it feels, I like how it feels
I like how it feels, I like how it feels

So just turn it up, let me go
I'm alive, yes you know, never stop
Give me more, more, more
Cause I like how it feels
Ooh yeah, I like how it feels
You know I like how it feels
Oh yeah I like how it feels

Should we love, makes us one
Let's make a beautiful world
Take my hand, it's alright
Cuz tonight, we can fly...."

Yesterday I had my last body work session of 2011 with David Vendetti. At the end of our session, he played the song, "I Like How It Feels" which will be kicking off our dance party at South Boston Yoga on New Year's Eve. He said this is your theme song, isn't it? Thanks to David, it sure is!

When I began 2011, I was trading my administrative assistant skills for body work. I was running and focused on setting PR's, training for the Hyannis 10K and deeply entrenched in so many of my old behavior patterns. Old habits die hard and often hold on tightest as we are getting ready to release them. In March, I had a wake up call with the suicide of my nephew which also put me into a trauma tailspin. On May 25th, I found my way to David's body work table.

I entered the KMI Body Work with total faith having no idea what the experience would be all about. All I knew was that my beloved teacher, Pat Donaher asked me if my body worker was working on a particular issue. I told him I fired mine. I remember Pat saying, "No drama - I don't need to know details. You are going to see my teacher, David for body work." He was emphatic that I not see anyone but David. He told me to email him and let him know that he had referred me and that I would be a fascinating client for him. I read about KMI Body Work on line and had heard about it in a collaborative medicine working group I had attended but in no way, in my wildest imaginings did I know the journey that would unfold before me.

Here I am 15 sessions later feeling magnificent in my body. I like how it feels. I like the spaciousness in my body. I love feeling creative energy flow through me. I love being able to breathe. When David says take a deep inhale - I can. When he says exhale, it is so much smoother than when I first began working with him. I love feeling my Spirit. I love having new muscle memory. I like how it feels to experience healing touch. I like how it feels to trust. I love David's strength and his passion to free my body from the past. I have often said, his hands are the jaws of life that freed my Spirit.

Yesterday David worked exclusively on my upper body to lengthen my torso, free my arms and release a lot of pain and tightness held in my neck and shoulders. Our session began with me sitting in a chair. He suggested that I take a "Matthew Sanford moment" and feel grounded through my feet and then through my sits bones. I could feel the energy begin to flow. David began our work while I was seated in the chair. I felt a wholeness in my body.

We moved to the table to continue the session. David guides me through the landscape of my anatomy. It is a wondrous journey. I shared with David that I had a lot of polio dreams lately. I'm so relieved that my body can bear the pain of polio in my dreams and so grateful that I can allow what happened with polio to just be. I am keenly aware and so grateful that had I not had polio, I would not be the magnificent woman I am today. I have a strength, a courage, an appreciation for movement and life and met the most amazing people because of the polio experience. Once I began to experience the wonderful feelings of compassion and loving kindness through David's heart and soul, discovering I am indeed phenomenally loveable, a whole new world of a loving community opened before me where we share our treasures as Divine beings having this human experience.

David holds the space for me to nourish and embody my being. I'm embodying my Spirit because I like how it feels. David helped me to unwrap the gift of my poetry in my soul that I let sit because I had wrongfully believed I and it was not good enough. I like how it feels that as we roll into 2012, my 3rd book of inspirational poetry is almost finished. I like how it feels that I will be finishing my autobiography, "Why Do Squats Make Me Cry". I like how it feels to be celebrating my husband's 60th birthday in 2012 and we will be going to San Francisco for him to run the San Francisco Marathon. If I were to list everything I am grateful for in my life, I would be here until New Year's Eve 2012. This has been a phenomenal year in my life. I've never been to a dance party before. As David played the song at the end of our session, I moved a little bit but was feeling a little shy to break out and bust a move with him. But you know what? After our beautiful yoga flow and meditation on New Year's Eve, I'm gonna bust loose because I like how it feels.

Savasana in the Meadow from the soon to be released, "Songs of Freedom:Poems from a Healing Odyssey" inspired by yesterday's KMI Body Work Session

Feisty five year old fighting for her life
deeply ingrained into the fiber of her being.
Struggle to overcome
struggle to allow Divine Love.
Discernment doesn't come easy
resisting the healing touch.
Surrender brings such freedom
easing the pain of transformation.
Tenuous trusting walking gingerly in this new world
unsure of the expansive landscape of love and light.
A knowing deep in the heart of what's right and true
daring to let go and graze in lush pastures.
The Master's Hand painted this magnificent pastoral scene
savasana in the meadow.

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude,
Mary

Footloose

2011-12-28T10:53:00.000-08:00

After contracting paralytic polio I never fancied myself a dancer. I never fancied myself much of anything that had to do with being physically active. I did consider myself an intellectual and went through life as a head grudgingly carrying around this body of mine. I began to wake up to my body five years ago after receiving the life giving diagnosis of post polio syndrome but had a really hard time being in tune with my body and learning how to live in harmony and peace within my sacred earthly home. And then I found yoga.

I found Pat Donaher. In this morning's rise and shine yoga class, Pat asked if there were any requests. One of the students asked for toe pose. I thought to myself, you must be kidding me. It's 6:15 in the morning. Toe pose does not come easy to me (nor a lot of even seasoned yogis). The first challenge is being able to sit back on my heels to get into toe pose. I asked Pat about which modification to use and he told me which ever one I felt worked for me this morning. I focused on not resisting the pose but allowing myself to settle into the pose with my breath and wake up my feet. I began sweating from the first pose and silently cursed my decision to have the last piece of my birthday cake last night after dinner. I would continue to rue this decision as Pat had us do this intense abs sequence later in the flow.

I don't know exactly when the magic on my mat happened today but I know I was listening to Pat's amazing playlist. I heard and felt my Spirit speak to me, "Let go." I felt something break away like a chunk of ice inside of me. I felt both intensely connected to my body and a sense that my body had just fallen away. I was light. I was free. As I was reflecting on today's class, the song "Footloose" captured the feeling.

Pat asked the question in today's class, "Can you work hard without struggle?" It's been a slow, arduous process for me to learn to let go of struggle on and off of my yoga mat. In yoga, I can work hard but allow my breath to take struggle out of the practice. There were many intense poses today including doing planks with blocks, balance poses and a lunge sequence. My mind has shifted from feeling resistance and oh no what is going to happen next to embracing the flow that Pat creates.

In addition to being an amazing yoga teacher who explains what he is doing and why and who brings in humor and pop culture into the flow, Pat is a musician. In today's practice, I felt Pat was the Maestro conducting the music of my body. He was bringing out the very best harmony I could create through my movement and through my breath. He gives wonderful words of encouragement and offers suggestions for how to improve in a pose. In half moon pose, he reminded us to use the power of our core and side body to strengthen the pose. I felt his words strike a profound chord in my body and I felt a stronger half moon pose than I have ever felt before. Pat hadn't done a side twist on the 2nd side and as one of the students pointed that out to Pat he said, "Take it if you need the symmetry but sometimes it is good to learn how to live with a little chaos - especially at this time of year." As we were getting ready to close practice, Pat had us go into bridge for 90 seconds. He reminded me about keeping my hips even in the pose and pushing through the feet. He reminded us to stay with it using our breath to help us stay in the pose.

Today was the last yoga class with Pat for 2011. It's been a remarkable journey to work with Pat in class and in my individual yoga lessons with him. To say I am grateful is a gross understatement for the transformation that Pat has helped me to bring about in my life this past year. With his care, compassion, truth, honesty, integrity, authenticity, humor, patience and wisdom, I am a very different woman than the one who rang in 2011 almost 365 days ago. But that's the way it should be. Growth, change, transformation, leaving behind what no longer serves us so we can be the person we are meant to be is what life and living is all about. Meeting Pat Donaher was definitely one of the highlights of my year! Thanks to Pat I feel footloose.

Namaste
Mary

Make Every Day a Holiday

2011-12-27T05:46:00.000-08:00

"Today is where your book begins
the rest is still unwritten..."

For my birthday this year I received the most amazing presence. No I did not make a typo. I was so blessed to be surrounded with the presence of beautiful, loving, caring people. I practiced yoga in the loving arms of the South Boston Yoga community. I experienced the wonderful presence of me in the world. I received donations to my mat for Yogathon 2012 and my husband bought me my first piece of yoga jewelry. I spent precious time with my immediate family and beautiful friends. The presence of abundant love overflowed in my heart and I return it to the world.

During this morning's meditation I began thinking about holidays and celebrations. We don't have to wait to celebrate. We don't need permission to celebrate our uniqueness and being a gift to the world. Why wait until New Year's Eve to ring out the old and ring in the new? Every moment is an opportunity for new breath and new beginnings. Thanksgiving - make expressing gratitude a daily practice. Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa - celebrations of light in the midst of darkness. Keep awake to the light in every situation in every person no matter how much darkness descends. Becoming aware of miracles in every day life, singing, gathering together with loved ones - why wait until December? Memorial Day - call on what Ana Forrest calls The Sacred Ones for wisdom and guidance. Feel the presence of those who have made their transitions back to Spirit and let the memories of treasured time together bring comfort and joy. July 4th Independence Day - celebrate freedom every day and set off the fireworks of your Spirit to light up the sky. Labor Day - take time out each day to celebrate our life's work, Take time to find balance between work and rest.

Savor every season. Prepare wonderful meals and eat with mindfulness and joy. Taste the sweetness and richness of life. My beautiful teacher David Vendetti suggests that we collect nice things to do for our body. Why wait for a special occasion? Each moment is a special occasion. Savor each moment and make every day a holiday.

Make Every Day a Holiday from the soon to be released, "Songs of Freedom:Poems from a Healing Odyssey"
Untie the knot in the solar plexus
Unwrap the gift of the present moment
Every day is a holiday
A holy day to choose
Sacred life
Honoring the Divine Being within
Celebrate and consecrate.
Life brings pain
Choose whether it brings suffering
or find blessings and opportunity
within the nuggets of crisis.
Rejoice and receive each new day
Nourish mind, body and spirit
loving ourselves whole.
Peace descends
Joy ascends
Celebrating the mystery and wonder of every moment
Breathing deeply
aware of the preciousness of our presence
the gift we share as One.

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude,
Mary

It's a Wonder Filled Life

2011-12-26T09:22:00.000-08:00

"Sun, shines in the eyes, of those who know how to leave the past behind." Joshua Radin

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."-- Joseph Campbell

Before I came to my yoga mat and before I read Matthew Sanford's book, "Waking", I had no reference point for wonder. Child like wonder and feeling wonderful were alien to me. My parents were unable to celebrate the gift and the wonder of me and for years I took in their belief system about me and who I was. My Spirit bided her time until it was time to come out and play. I feel compassion, loving kindness and forgiveness for them. They were caught up in a cycle of fear and loathing handed down through the generations. When I contracted paralytic polio, they did not have the emotional resources available to help them be nurturing, loving parents.

As David Vendetti began yesterday's 'holiday extravaganza flow' he said that it was a day for enjoyment, celebration and unconditional love. He acknowledged those people who may not be celebrating a holiday and he said, “I'm with you.” As we got into the practice, all of the turmoil and 'haze' that I'd been experiencing leading up to the holidays and my birthday this year was gone. Everything made sense to me. It is all so exquisitely simple. Live my Truth. Live what feels right for me. Experience the wonder of my Divine Being. Live life from my heart with gratitude and experience the grace and the blessings that overflow in my life.

I had a profound energy shift from within about my birthday this year which reflects this amazing year of transformation and healing. I woke up singing Happy Birthday to me. I felt the gift of being alive and I felt the gift of me in the world. This feeling was then met with an outpouring of birthday love at South Boston Yoga, on Facebook and in my home. I compared this year's birthday experience with years past and feel so much love and gratitude for the blessings of my own family, beautiful, authentic friends and being able to choose how and with whom I wanted to celebrate my birthday. There was no alcohol – and we spent several hours gathered around the dinner table getting to better know our friends who came for dinner, laughing, sharing stories, talking yoga, work, journeys and eating wonderful food.

The miracle in Matthew's healing story, my healing story and so many who have chosen to transform and heal the trauma in their lives is being able to stay connected to the core, the essence of who we truly are and maintain a sense of wonder, curiosity and mystery about life and this miraculous body. I have learned to let go of the shoulds and the frustration when there is a neurological disconnection. David has this wonderful way of helping me maintain the balance between going right up to my edge, feeling the freedom to play on my mat and experience the expansiveness of my Being regardless of how it may or may not manifest in a pose, and making sure that I'm listening to what my body is telling me.

David, Pat Donaher and I have been working on wheel pose. I am experiencing new muscle and nerve sensations as muscles are engaged especially on my left side upper body that had been, to quote my awesomeness teacher Pat, “sleepy.” In yesterday's class, I listened to my body and took my bridge pose working on the proprioception I need in order to properly execute wheel allowing the muscles to rest. Pat also discovered that coming up into bridge, I twist and need to raise my left hip first in an effort to come up straight. To quote John Mayer, “this body is a wonder land.”

In today's yoga class with David, he began by letting us know he was incorporating some of yesterday's flow into today's practice. As if reading my mind which went to oh no about certain sequences, he told us to get into our breath and out of our mind. Fear and resistance are habits but when I breathe deeply, I clear out the cobweb memories of what went before. They are not truth and they are not reality. I focus on having the opportunity to experience something new and different and to appreciate the wonder of my body every time I step onto my yoga mat. David did a lot of breath work today; wonderful for detoxification both from yesterday's feast and thoughts that no longer serve me. I felt a wondrous openness in my practice today being in the present moment. Practicing next to my dear friend, the beautiful and loving Amanda Richter (who is pregnant) helped me to feel a warmth, a strength and a softness in my flow today.

My magic moment on the mat happened when David had us go from down dog to stepping through and up onto blocks at the front of our mat. He cued us to put all the weight in the opposite hand and bring the foot through and up onto the block. Although I could not do it in one sweeping movement, I was able to trust that I could bear my weight in my hands on either side and had the core strength to bring the foot up onto the block.

What is constantly changing in my practice is what I am able to do on any given day. I could not propriocept how to get my hands onto the blocks to get up into wheel. I could feel strength in some stunning sequencing in lunge and I felt a beautiful opening in camel pose using blocks for support. I almost went into vjerasana (sitting back on heels). But what is constant in life and in my yoga practice?
Allowing breath to fill my every cell with the power of Spirit and healing
Feeling expansiveness in mind, body and spirit
Feeling strength, courage, grace and an open heart
Being mindful of the choices I make and reminding myself to choose carefully to ensure physical, spiritual and emotional safety

I did a lot of work this holiday season to transition to new traditions and letting go of long held beliefs and expectations. Change is challenging and taking a risk to try something new on and off the yoga mat requires trust, mindfulness and being fully present in the moment listening for guidance and wisdom. But when all is said and done, I am able to say unequivocally that I'm only getting better and it is indeed a wonder filled life.

From my heart to yours
With overflowing love and gratitude,
Mary

So Much To Celebrate!

2011-12-24T06:01:00.000-08:00

Whatever holiday you celebrate, the themes of the season are joy, love, light, goodwill to each other and peace. This has been an amazing year of transformation for me. I have so much gratitude in my heart. This is the first year that I feel I am embracing the celebration of my birthday which just happens to be on Christmas Day. It was always a challenge finding ways to celebrate my Christmas birthday. Let's leave the dysfunctional family I grew up in out of the equation. All of my friends had to be with their families on Christmas. Even though I grew up in a Jewish family, we had cousins who intermarried and they celebrated Christmas. The celebration of Christmas seemed to always overshadow my birthday but that's because I always felt overshadowed and unsure of my worth.

Even as an adult, I struggled with how to celebrate my birthday -- until this year! I am so grateful for the unconditional love and support of my husband who has given me free rein on my healing journey these past five years. This year I am finally through with running in the cold, pushing, having something to prove. I have a new appreciation and respect for my body and thanks to my yogi, teacher and friend Pat Donaher I have discovered that movement can be fun. It is not all stress and strain. The body is something to be celebrated. In our individual work together, he reminds me that if something is not happening, it is not happening - yet. There is always something to celebrate in every practice and in life! I celebrate the discovery of my mind/body connection. {With special thanks to Matthew Sanford's book Waking.}

I am excited to celebrate my birthday this year. I am so blessed to be able to unroll my yoga mat at South Boston Yoga tomorrow to start my day celebrating me on my yoga mat with David and Todd. David weaves in celebrating and appreciating one's body into our practice. This year I realize that celebration comes from within. Yes I am so blessed to be surrounded by so much love and so many people who honor the Divine light within me, but until I realized how to celebrate me, it did not matter how many people were around me, how much I did or what I received. There was a sense of emptiness that only I could fill with learning how to love and care for myself.

This birthday I celebrate the gift of yoga in my life. I am incredibly grateful for how vibrant I feel and how much I have learned this past year. I celebrate my last 58 years which, when woven together, create the beautiful tapestry of my life. I celebrate my exquisite Spirit and my passion for life. I celebrate the gift of writing and how sharing my journey has blessed the lives of others. I celebrate my courage, my strength, my joy and my Light. I celebrate life and all who have blessed my life beyond my wildest imaginings. I have received incredible gifts this year; gifts of healing, gifts of friendship and giving myself the gift of separating from people who do not nourish me and honor who I am.

What is so important for us all to remember is that there is so much to celebrate every day. My birthday gives me 'an excuse' to be especially exuberant in my yoga practice giving thanks for the gift of my life. But as Celine Dion sings, "Don't Save it All For Christmas Day." Remember - there is so much to celebrate every day!

Peace, joy, love and light!
From my heart to yours with love,
Mary

It's Okay

2011-12-23T13:51:00.000-08:00

In Matthew Sanford's book, "Waking", he said that he felt like Humpty Dumpty and yoga was the glue that put him back together. I know what he is talking about. In today's individual yoga lesson with Pat Donaher, we focused on helping me to get out of locking me knees and moving from my knees to harnessing the power of my entire legs in movement. Pat did a walking assessment. I told him how I get stuck with my left leg and he said he prefers to say he notices a hitch in my movement. One of Pat's phrases that continues to resonate with me is, "If you don't embody where you are right now, you can't move to the next level."

In today's practice I fully embodied where I am. In Monday's yoga class with David Vendetti, I realized there was a lack of neurological connection to my left arm when going up in wheel, As I told David about it as he came over to assist me, I said, "It's okay." Throughout today's lesson I reminded myself "It's okay." We discovered that the nerves going to my heel on my left leg are damaged. Pat had me put my heel against the wall so I could begin to experience the sensation of pushing out against my heel. I tuned into my left leg. As I began to note how there is scar tissue that pulls along a muscle when I don't use my whole leg and got really curious about my anatomy, Pat proclaimed that he was so excited that I was taking responsibility for my practice. After years of dissociation from my body, it is exhilarating to be intimately connected and curious about how this sacred space works. To see things as they are, with clarity and no judgement brings a sense of incredible freedom and joy.

Pat noted how there is muscle atrophy on my left leg. Once he mentioned it, I can see the difference between my two legs and, say it with me now, it's okay! As he had me bend my left knee and hold, my left quad went into full on trembling. We were both so excited to see that muscle work so hard. Even though the neurological connection to my heel is missing, I was able to experience it in the movement of bringing my knee up and down in lunge. It is in the mind/body connection that the healing happens as I bring awareness to parts of my body that had been 'lost' as a result of paralytic polio.

Because of Matthew's book, "Waking", I find a courage and strength to do the work I need to do to feel whole in my mind/body connection. Pat is brilliant as he guides me through this wonderland of my body. We find ways to reinforce my mind/body connection off of the mat in how I walk, in how I sit and being mindful in changing my habitual postural patternings. David and I have done so much work together in KMI Body Work to release trauma and realign my body. I have more energy and less stress and strain in movement. I feel so much compassion and loving kindness for myself as I no longer struggle against what is. I have even begun to take afternoon naps when I feel tired honoring what my body needs without denial or judgement. There is much more work to be done on this joyous journey but for now, I am breathing deeply knowing "Don't worry bout a thing 'cuz every little thing's gonna be alright." It's okay!

From my heart to yours
With overwhelming gratitude and love
Mary

Stay With Your Practice-Celebrate Me Home

2011-12-22T13:20:00.001-08:00

There were many wonderful words of wisdom in today's Vinyasa flow with Goldie Kaufenberg. As we were in the midst of a challenging, powerful sequence, Goldie said, "Stay with your practice. Your mind will take you down." Boy did I need to hear those words today as my mind has been racing with thoughts of this holiday season. There have been so many ups and downs on and off of my yoga mat. Last night, my head was spinning with feelings of anger and loss, sadness, along with incredible joy and gratitude. When I could not fall asleep I decided to sit up on the side of my bed and breathe deeply hearing the words of my teacher David Vendetti echo in my ears, "if you take a deep breath, it will help to clear your mind." Ana Forrest signed my copy of Fierce Medicine with, "Breathe your exquisite spirit into every cell every day."

I have been amazed to observe how the feelings about the suicide of my nephew in March is coming up this holiday season. After his suicide, I slowly began to awaken to the reality of my relationships with members of my biological family and how, if I remain connected to them, I have to disconnect from myself. Today's yoga practice with Goldie helped me to celebrate me home. There was no room for my racing thoughts; only my breath and the power of movement and sweat. Goldie has a blend of being incredibly supportive but also confronts us with experiencing the truths of ourselves. She holds up a mirror and guides us through our practice. We have an opportunity for free flow with sun salutations. I felt the power of my breath and felt gratitude in my heart for the freedom of movement. I played with trying to hop to the front of my mat and feeling lighter in my transitions.

I'm smiling because David and Pat Donaher have been calling a lot of one armed dolphin poses each knowing that this has been a source of disconnection for me. Before class I thought to myself, "well that's not something Goldie would call so I'll get a break today." Guess what pose she called? But the beauty is that she came by and told me that I had incredible alignment in the pose. After class she told me she was amazed at how I was able to hold the pose. Although I could not get my left elbow up without bringing my leg down, I was able to get to my right elbow up with my leg up. Celebrate me home.

It is so important for me to continue to move forward on my journey. One of David's favorite phrases is to hold steady while in lunge pose. Goldie called going from low lunge with knee on the ground to lifting the knee up and do toe pose lunge. It was a real challenge for me and I could feel the disconnection but I was able to land it once or twice. I felt my steadiness in lunge and in my transitions using my core and my breath. As the turmoil of the holiday season swirls around me and as I feel a lot of feelings stirring within, it is crucial that I hold steady and stay with my practice.

The temptations and distractions abound this holiday season. In previous years, we would eat a lot, have a lot of wine accessible to drink and go to the movies all in the service of numbing out. We indulged in consumerism. This year we have made a donation to Mind Body Solutions and for my birthday I am asking for donations to my Yogathon 2012 fund raising page. My husband did buy me my first piece of yoga jewelry from Majestic Yoga Studio which carries with it a very special energy but we are not exchanging presents this year.

My weekend classes with Pat are cancelled but fortunately I will have a private lesson with him tomorrow. David and Todd hold a class on Christmas morning because they know how important it is to stay with the practice during the holiday season. I am so blessed to have a loving home, a beautiful marriage and the loving yoga community at South Boston Yoga. No matter what holiday is being celebrated, the common denominator for any holiday is to celebrate love. In Goldie's yoga class today I could feel that I was being called to celebrate me home; to feel the love in my heart, the connection to the essence of who I am and to strip away the illusions and the layers of what no longer serves me. It's a challenge to stay focused and to stay with my practice but with an incredible teacher like Goldie to guide me through a Vinyasa flow three days before Christmas, the journey is made so much easier.

Peace - from the soon to be released "Songs of Freedom:Poems from a Healing Odyssey"

Why does peace elude me?
I run through the dark forest
arms waving as
fog like spider webs
try to envelop me
frosty breath heaves heavy.

I know it is here
I have tasted it before and I know its sweetness
settling the heart and mind into a knowing
that all is well.

Breathing deeply, slowing down my trembling beating heart
I allow the intoxicating fragrance to pierce
the dark night of my soul
The claws of betrayal and fear stand between
but they are no match for my Spirit.

The forest door opens
trees extending their branches welcoming me home
parting their leaves as moonlight illuminates my way
and there as it has been along
Peace.

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude
Namaste
Mary

Reflections on the Winter Solstice

2011-12-21T14:23:00.000-08:00

"People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. The miracle is to walk on the green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly alive. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the curious eyes of a child - our own two eyes. There is no enlightenment outside of daily life.”
~ Thich Nhat Hanh

As dawn broke on this Winter Solstice day, I was blessed to be in pigeon pose in Pat Donaher's yoga class at the Cleveland Circle Beacon Hill Athletic Club. Pat commented that it is interesting that amidst the time of greatest darkness, it is the busiest shopping season. He suggested that we take time off of our mats today to nurture ourselves just as we were doing in pigeon pose. In today's delicious Winter Solstice flow, we were accompanied by Duke Ellington's The Nutcracker Suite. As my body moved through today's yoga class, I embraced both the darkness and the light.

It is so tempting to run away from darkness. I know. For decades I used many distractions to stay away from the darkness I lived through as a child. In my yoga journey and KMI Body Work with David Vendetti, I have delved into the most intense places within myself. With David's guidance, in the sacred space of his body work room, I brought the darkest side of human nature into the light of love. By embracing the darkness of trauma and paralytic polio, I have been able to free my body, my heart and my Spirit.

Until this year, I have dreaded the Winter Solstice. I dreaded the darkness. I dreaded the winter. Because I have experienced the bitter winds of my past and the dark night of my soul, I can move from fighting the darkness, or running away from the darkness and arrive to a new space. Nurturing myself and finding comfort allowing the darkness to surround guides me to a place of inner renewal. My birthday is on December 25th. After this year of an incredible journey on and off of my yoga mat and in the space of David's body work room, my birthday takes on special meaning. I celebrate my birth 58 years ago and celebrate my ongoing inner renewal every time I step onto my yoga mat and then return to 'walking on this earth' embracing the present moment feeling fully alive!

To Pat and David - I bow to you with overflowing gratitude and love for being with me on this journey of inner renewal.

Namaste
From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude,
Mary

Confessions of a Recovering Type A

2011-12-20T05:51:00.000-08:00

After being diagnosed with post polio syndrome five years ago, my first healing story was one of I can beat the odds. I can overcome this. As I would venture out into the business world and go to different networking meetings, I would play this song. It became my theme song for running the Boston Marathon. It was what I needed at the time. It was all I knew.

"This is the moment -
My final test -
Destiny beckoned,
I never reckoned,
Second Best!

I won't look down,
I must not fall!
This is the moment,
The sweetest moment of them all!

This is the moment!
Forget all the odds!
This day, or never,
I'll sit forever
With the gods!"

The support from the running community was intoxicating and fed my ego as I went on a quest to out best myself every time I did a road race. I ran in the freezing cold, on snow and ice, ignoring the discomfort I felt. As I look back, it was a form of addiction. I was also addicted to helping and fixing others. What a great way to deny that I had needs and feelings. Let's go out and help and fix everyone else. I smile with great love and compassion for myself because you only know what you know at the time. I am so grateful that I don't have to live like that any more. I can come out from hiding behind the walls I built around myself so that no one would see the truth of my life. Most importantly, it was a way to keep the truth and pain hidden from myself. I also missed out on the real beauty and magnificence of me.

I made a New Year's Resolution for this year that I would try one yoga class. I was so blessed to meet Pat Donaher as my first yoga teacher. I instinctively asked him if he did private lessons. My regular readers may recall that when I first met with Pat, my goal was to look like everyone else in the poses. Pat taught me very quickly that was not the point of our lessons together.

It's been an amazing journey thus far. I realize there is no greatest moment. There is no quest; there is passion and purpose but with the passion and purpose comes a sense of detachment from any outcomes. My heart remains open to however the Universe calls me. I plan to take David Vendetti's Teacher Training next year and my vision is to help trauma survivors heal through the practice of yoga. I know that I must attend to my own healing in order for me to be able to help others to heal.

I am fund raising for Yogathon 2012. My husband is my sponsor when it comes to my recovery as a Type A personality. He reminded me that I am part of a team and that I do not have to be the top fund raiser. I can meet my goal of $250 and call it a day. We are compromising on this one. I plan to exceed my goal of $250 but without feeling driven that I have something to prove. Let ego take a back seat this time. I am part of an amazing team with the teacher trainees and the community at South Boston Yoga. They are planning fund raisers of which of course I will be a part and help to promote. It's a wonderful feeling to give up the reins and relinquish my reign as a top fund raiser.

My recovery from being a Type A manifests on and off my yoga mat. In my every day life, I am being much kinder and gentler to my body. I use supports when I need it for getting off of a toilet seat and going up and down stairs. I used to have this image in my head that once I was physically healed, I would bound up and down stairs effortlessly like everyone else. That's not what's true for my body. As Pat Donaher taught me, "If you don't embody where you are, you cannot move to the next level." The more compassion and love I give to my body, the more my body loves me back. I have given up this notion that I have to do cardio workouts. My yoga practice is what is right for me right now. It helps with strength, endurance (just go to a class with Pat or David and you'll see what I mean), balance, grace and building new neurological pathways for movement just to mention a few of the physical benefits of my regular yoga practice. I learn wisdom for living on and off the mat. I delve into the once long held silence of my mind/body connection and discover a place of wonder and mystery. Yoga is a font of healing in my life.

What's my new 'theme song'? Om Shanti Shanti Shanti One Love One Light To Give Each Other performed by Donna De Lory who is doing a concert at South Boston Yoga on January 7th.

Namaste,
Mary

Commercial time: Gifts that give while you give

Give the gift of yoga this holiday season.

My teacher Pat Donaher is offering a new client special for private yoga lessons.

Donate to Mind Body Solutions A message from my hero Matthew Sanford "In 2012, Mind Body Solutions is expanding our reach into healthcare. Our groundbreaking and proven curriculum moves into the realm of both eating disorders and senior care. With institutional partners on both issues, we are changing the landscape of care in practical and measurable ways. Mind Body Solutions is fulfilling our promise to transform healthcare."

South Boston Yoga is having a special on their annual membership.

And last but certainly not least, please donate to my Yogathon 2012 fund raising page. Proceeds benefit Childrens Hospital Boston Autism Research and the Africa Yoga Project. We'd love to have you join our Team South Boston Yoga.

For the Children Booklet is a wonderful gift that gives all of its proceeds to Childrens Hospital Boston. Visit Jordan Rich's website and order yours today!

When You Believe....

2011-12-19T12:19:00.000-08:00

As the winter solstice approaches, the holidays that are celebrated focus on light, love and miracles. As I delve ever deeper into my yoga practice as we enter the darkness of winter, I am experiencing light, love and seeing the miracle of healing in my life. After yesterday's yoga class with David Vendetti at South Boston Yoga, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness, anger and frustration as the clarity and awareness of how the polio virus affected my body became clear. Those feelings are intermingled with feeling an incredible touch of grace.

The Touch of Grace from the soon to be released "Songs of Freedom:Poems from a Healing Odyssey"

The touch of the Yogi master's hand soothes the razor sharp edge
of awareness and clarity
tempers the pain of intermingling anger and sadness.

Clarity of the damage collateral damage to the heart
Frustration comes...
what ifs a waste of time and energy
pointless painful pontification.

Remembering the essence and taste of brief sweet freedom
expands to now
tender loving fingers at the top of my spine
a gentle reminder of where polio struck
releasing the painful memories
creating space
new muscle memory moves in
the assist into back bend.

A flashback of before innocence was lost
past and present join together in the moment as Divine Love rises within me.

Who orchestrated this moment to guide me deep into my mind/body connection
fearlessly bringing into the light of day my most vulnerable self
stripping the layers of trauma to reveal the faulty wiring
love transforms with the touch of grace.

For years I lived in a disconnected mind/body connection and then I went into a mode of I can conquer this. When I was first diagnosed with post polio syndrome five years ago, I would visualize the "Master Electrician" rewiring my neurological system. I believed that all would be healed on a physical level. As Matthew Sanford would say, it was a healing story that I needed at the time. Another healing story that has changed is I believed that I was 'chosen' to 'get polio' so that I could be this shining light of inspiration to others. The truth is, life happens and what happens is impersonal. We each get to choose how we respond to the cards we are dealt.

My illusion of uniqueness vanishes and I realize I am an ordinary person. I want to live the best life I can possibly live. I want to experience wholeness and harmony within my body and feel connected to the present moment. I am now experiencing a new healing story; one that is authentic which is seeing things as they are with clarity, experiencing the feelings as they wash through me and allowing them to be without judgement or criticism. Nothing has to change; everything is forever changing. I realize how much courage and strength it takes to grow and transform but as Ana Forrest says, "Evolve or die." I feel blessed that my journey and healing stories bring hope and inspiration to others helping them to believe in their own power to choose and find their own healing paths.

In today's practice with David, he repeated some of yesterday's flow. He did however incorporate the 'dreaded rolled up blanket sequence'. I was able to embrace the sequence accommodating it to my body and having a sense of play replace the sense of dread. I am learning how to modify my practice while being amazed that I was able to go farther in the abs sequence. I was able to feel a sense of rhythm linking inhale to exhale. I allowed myself to tremble. At the close of practice, David said that trembling is wonderful because it precedes a release of something. There are so many metaphors and wonderful quotes that David weaves into the practice that I often wish I had a tape recorder. I know that my soul absorbs what it needs to hear.

Time for back bends - take two! I remembered how David said to put my hands wide to get the fulcrum effect of being able to support my weight. I was able to get to the crown of my head with greater ease but then came the really tough part. David reminded me to push my thighs forward which I did and then push elbows in and push on my arms to straighten them. Ahhh therein lies the rub. While I visualized it in my mind's eye and felt the power in my arms, I could identify how, especially on the left side of my brain, there was a major lack of neurological connection. Previously in my yoga practice I would be very excited to experience the disconnection and feel a profound sense of connection in the disconnection. But today something was different. David came over and said he was going to try to talk me through it and cue me. Before he did, I told him that there is something missing on my left side. There is no neurological connection happening even though I feel it in my mind. I could feel an odd mixture of fear and sadness as I shared this with David; incredible relief that I spoke the truth with clarity and detachment and an overwhelming sense of gratitude to David for bearing witness to my truth. I started to say to David, we'll change that right but said something like but that's okay. As David cued me he pushed my elbows together and for the first time since I was 5 years old, I felt a connection to what was below my forearms. I'm not sure what other adjustments he made in the assist but I could feel him lending his strength to mine as I opened into a deep back bend. I could feel his support and his strength as I got myself out of the pose. One of the greatest challenges for a trauma survivor is trust but the greatest freedom comes in being able to surrender to myself and trust another person. I felt safe, supported and in that moment, so much of me healed.

After back bends as we were going into savasana, Donna DeLory's song "Bathe in These Waters" 'just happened' to come on. Tears flowed. I felt grateful, peaceful, hopeful, strongly grounded in the present moment and know that when I believe and do the work, healing happens as I feel expansiveness in mind, body and spirit and my life becomes extraordinary.

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude,
Mary

The Power of Love

2011-12-18T11:16:00.000-08:00

"It's strong and it's sudden
it can be cruel sometimes
but it might just save your life."

You feel the power of love the minute you step foot into South Boston Yoga.. On my way to class I reflected on how many religious and running communities I have been a part of. I was searching to feel the kind of community I feel when I walk into South Boston Yoga. It is wonderful to be home inside of myself and in the midst of the power of love. In this morning's amazing yoga class with David Vendetti, I took these 'new legs' for an incredible test drive. What fueled my practice today was the power of love I felt with the different members of the community as we greeted each other before class. There is genuine love, respect and support woven into the fabric of the community created by David and Todd.

David had us roll up our blankets before class began. My mind began to chatter - oh no are we gonna do those squats again where we put the blanket behind our knees and mine always falls out? I told my mind to silence. Today is a new day. This is a new moment and you have released so much from your legs. Relax and see what happens. As it turned out, we did not even use the blankets. Lesson for life - honor the thought. Let it move through. Remind yourself that every moment is a new moment and see what happens. We moved through an incredible flow. David told us before class that he had an intense flow prepared for us but as always in yoga as in life we get to choose how deep to go. I listened to my body taking myself right up to the edge and just a little beyond to strengthen my back muscles as we held dolphin. I honored what I needed for modifications with the elbow up/elbow down sequence focusing on strength but mindful of what my body needed today. I used the pillar for support at times to feel my balance and then amazingly was able to let it go and feel strong in standing poses keeping my gaze fixed in front of me.

I was able to relax to bend my knees in lunges and felt trembling and a quad burn. During our abs work, I felt my abs burn. For me, yoga is the perfect way for me to strengthen my muscles. There are no mindless repetitions. There is beauty and grace in movement and just when I think I can't hold the pose for another minute, David has us moving to the next pose but I feel the increase in strength and the benefit of the practice on my physical body. {I say this as I continue to give myself permission to give up the notion that I have to do cardio work in order to stay healthy and fit.}

As in the majority of David's classes, the peak pose is the back bend. I was about to grab for my blocks to use them for wheel when David came over to me. He pointed out to me that I needed to create a fulcrum with my arms in order to get up into the pose. He had me put my hands farther away from my ears and unlike previous assists, he supported me as I pushed into my hands. There is still that neurological gap between pushing and pulling but once he assisted me, I began to feel the sensation of pushing into the floor with my hands. I got into the back bend with my hands on the floor. He had me try it again pointing out that I used my feet more than my arms. It took an incredible amount of physical and mental effort and even though I heard myself grunt, I did not feel a sense of struggle. As a matter of fact, I had a flashback. You know not all flashbacks are to negative experiences. In that moment, in that pose, my body and mind remembered what it felt like to be strong and flexible and do a back bend before paralytic polio.

In a recent radio interview, Matthew Sanford talked about the pre and post trauma identity. He said that while a trauma survivor's identity is changed, the core of the person never changes. He said that although he could never play basketball again the way he did before his accident, the feeling of being an athlete which was such a strong part of his identity, remains and he harnesses those feelings as he practices yoga.

What is at our core? At our essence? Love - Divine Unconditional Love and no external circumstances can ever alter that reality. We may alter that reality with our thoughts but that Love is infinite and unchanging. As David closed practice today, he did a phenomenal meditation about love. The power of love - it might just save your life - it sure saved mine. To David, Todd, Pat Donaher and the members of my South Boston Yoga family, I bow to you.

Namaste,
Mary

A Yoga Bubble Bath

2011-12-17T05:03:00.001-08:00

My teacher David Vendetti talks about collecting nice things to do for our body - like stretching before you close your yoga practice or taking a bubble bath. He asked how many people in the class had taken a bubble bath in the last 3 months - not a soul raised their hand. It's time we all pay attention and do wonderful things to take care of our bodies. As Matthew Sanford says, "Our body is the best home our mind will ever have. Keep listening and keep the faith." One of the nicest things I am collecting to do for my body is Kate Heffernan's Deep Chill Vinyasa Class.

After my KMI Body Work session with David on Wednesday, I became keenly aware of how much tension I hold in my legs. I had reconstructive leg surgery on my left leg and there is scar tissue along with 'phantom' pain from the metal plate I had in my leg. Toss in osteoarthritis and some cartilage hangin' out and you have the recipe for chronic pain. As I was email'ing Pat Donaher for what I wanted to work on in my private session next week, I shared with him how I want to learn how to move from my entire leg not just focusing on the knee joint. In Kate's class last night, with slow movement with intention, I was able to connect to both of my legs in this new relationship. I released the tension and honored the sensations. I noticed that I was pouring sweat even though we were moving slowly. After class, Kate suggested that my body released a lot of what it needed to during the flow.

Kate guides us through Deep Chill mind, body and spirit reminding us to always keep breathing. She began with a wonderful pranyama (breathwork) sequence. I can remember when I was unable to do the three part breathing. I felt joyful to experience how I have been able to open my body since I first began practicing yoga in January of this year. Kate suggests that we just observe what our mind might be saying and not judge the thoughts but let them move through focusing instead on our breath. She guides us through our anatomy. This is an incredible gift for me to be able to move slowly and become intimately acquainted with my own anatomy. For decades I was disconnected and had to dissociate from the sensations in my body in order to survive. Throughout the evening, Kate made stunning adjustments. In child's pose, I allowed myself to melt into the pose going deeper than ever before. I was able to finally let my legs release. In pigeon, Kate helped me to square my hips and go deep opening my hips and allowing myself to create space. Kate's playlist, the candlelight and the flow she created blended together to create a yoga bubble bath for my mind,body and spirit.

Kate had us go into a long squat pose. I love how Kate uses disclaimers in her class. "I know some of you might not like this pose," she said and suggested we use a block for support and go wide. While I am much more comfortable in squat pose, sometimes my mind will resist it. Last evening I embraced the pose making it both comfortable by having the block for support and allowing the discomfort to flow through me releasing traumatic memories. Using the block, I was able to experience a strong sense of grounding through my feet. We had a delicious long savasana. Kate suggested we put blocks under our knees and a towel across our chest. One final incredible adjustment during savasana left me feeling blissed out. I joke with Kate and say that I wish we could just go to sleep right then and there.

I fell into a deep sleep last night but was awakened by a nightmare. At first I couldn't remember it but then it came to me. For the first time, I dreamed about polio. There was symbolism in the dream I needed to decipher and once I did I realize that it was a stunning representation of how polio must have felt to me as a 5 year old child. I felt the searing pain, starting low in my back and then traveling up my spine, and the sense of panic and fear. My mother and her mother were in the dream and I saw their vacant eyes staring at me. I woke up crying but then I kept breathing deeply and fully. I fell back to sleep and when I awoke this morning I realized how much strength and courage exists in the Spirit. No matter what happens to us physically, or emotionally, once we allow ourselves to open and bear the pain, there is incredible strength to be found. There is incredible relief and once the trauma moves out, there is room for joy, love, peace and freedom. As Matthew Sanford said during a recent radio interview, once you open yourself to the possibility of transformation, the Universe starts sending you everything you need to heal.

Boy I'll say. This morning it was off to Pat Donaher's class. He begins with self massage using massage balls. Today we worked on our gluts and IT bands. Once again, he walks us through anatomy and it is a thrill to feel intimately connected to my own body. He talked about not avoiding sensations even when they are unpleasant especially at this time of year when it is tempting to over indulge in drinking to avoid unpleasant sensations. He is so incredibly supportive of me on my journey and I feel such a blessed special bond between us. But he makes all of his students feel so special as he goes around the room making adjustments, commenting on the strength in someone's pose all the while bringing such joy and fun into our yoga practice. Because I am moving out the trauma and allowing the unpleasant memories to wash through me, there is so much space for celebrating the holidays this year. I feel love coursing through my veins and gratitude overflowing in my heart. I feel whole. I feel healthy and I know that whatever challenges life brings my way as long as I keep breathing, stay connected to my core, trust in my own strength and surround myself with love and comfort, I am able to enjoy all that life has to offer especially a yoga bubble bath.

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude,
Mary

The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You

2011-12-16T06:12:00.000-08:00

In the midst of winter, I feel rebirth much like the amaryllis plant that blossoms in the dead of winter. I feel a release of struggle within my body and the stirrings of a rhythm of life. My sense of rhythm and movement in life was severely disrupted at the age of 5 when I contracted paralytic polio. Three years later severe sexual, emotional and physical abuse began with the trauma culminating at the age of 17 when my dad suicided. In December of 2006, all those years of disconnection, denial and living from my head caught up with me and my body shut down manifesting in the life giving diagnosis of post polio syndrome.

While my body was immobilized, my Spirit decided it was time to come out of hiding. Poetry began flowing out of me and slowly I journeyed into my mind/body connection. It was not until I came to my yoga mat in January of this year with Pat Donaher and I worked with David Vendetti in KMI Body Work that I began to deeply experience the mind/body connection and heal the trauma.

In yesterday's vinyasa yoga class with Goldie Kaufenberg, I experienced sensations of healing and rebirth throughout my body. Despite feeling 'lost'a few times from a proprioception standpoint in Goldie's powerful vinyasa flow, I watched Goldie move and I felt her rhythm resonate in my body as she cued us to sweep up - one movement - for the inhale - exhale. I felt the memories and joy of being a ballet dancer when I was 3 until polio struck at age 5. I felt the flow especially as Goldie had us do our own Sun Salutations for 3 minutes. During this time, Goldie came over to me and gave me a deep adjustment in Down Dog. As she massaged along my spine, I felt energy release in my core. I could feel the energy stirring my internal organs bidding them to awaken. I could feel where the damage was in my spinal cord but at the same time, I sensed the energy of connection. During the adjustment, I focused on the flow of energy being released instead of the sense of static touch. It was needless to say extremely powerful.

I felt a connection and internal rhythm with breath and beating heart and felt this profound sense of control over my body. Goldie guiding us with how to amp up or slow down our heart rate was incredibly empowering. Goldie assisted me with modifications so I could feel grounded and strong during a standing pose. She stood behind me to give me the confidence to go a little deeper in chair pose. I took every opportunity in the class to allow my movement to flow wide. I felt a sense of peaceful surrender to the practice in yesterday's practice which was accompanied by a sense of strength and spaciousness. I have often commented in my blog that I love watching David move. I was studying him and I was absorbing the energy of his flow and movement. In yesterday's class with Goldie I moved from observer to participant. Goldie mentioned that we were gonna have new legs after class. I felt so light in my legs I could not believe it. I am harnessing those new body memories and working to imprint them releasing the memories of being in a leg brace on my left leg, a full leg cast on my right leg and having the internal feelings of struggle against an abuser. I am free now. At the close of practice, Goldie had us pause and take a moment of gratitude for just being able to move. I took a deep breath as she said that feeling that gratitude to my very core. There is a lot to learn and a lot yet to heal but the rhythm has gotten me; a rhythm that I carry off my mat and into the world feeling joy and gratitude in being alive.

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude
Mary

Accentuate the Positive

2011-12-15T05:46:00.000-08:00

As I was going through my morning routine of self massage with lacrosse balls, foam roller, balance with eyes closed and quad stretches, I had this amazing shift happen. After yesterday's KMI Body Work session with the phenomenal David Vendetti, I noticed how my balance had improved while keeping my eyes closed. It is so easy for me to focus on my tight quads or hand and head tremors with that lingering feeling that I need to fix things that are wrong/imperfect with me. Instead, I felt this incredible sense of celebration that in that moment I was able to feel a sense of balance with my eyes closed that I had not felt before. It was the feeling that I want to focus on. I celebrate what happens when I feel a connection and wholeness in my body. It is not dependent on what I can DO. It is a fact of my being that I am whole.

It is easy for me to get caught up in the feelings from the past of feeling less than, not enough, having to prove myself. As I awaken to the wondrous and wonderfulness of me, I feel the love of the Divine shine through me zapping those feelings with Divine light. I walk freer; I walk lighter and I am able to embody my physical being just as it is knowing it is forever changing. I wrote a blog post about my wrestling with the shoulds in my life as it relates to a health and fitness routine. I would try to fit in cardio workouts because that is what I was told I should be doing. But right now, for now, my body needs and wants yoga. I am listening to what she tells me. I have done enough hours on the stationery bike to last me a lifetime. But to accentuate the positive, let me address what yoga does for me.

Yoga helps me to feel free in my body as I move all of my body. I move into bigger and bigger spaces through my yoga practice. Yoga helps me to feel strong and confident and graceful in my body. I breathe and breathing into my cells which were so dehydrated and malnourished is what my body needs to heal right now. Yoga is FUN - I love it and I am so blessed to have so many incredible teachers with so many different styles in the yoga community to choose from who know me and honor me as I honor them. When I practice yoga, I emerge from a period of intense isolation after leaving my career at the VA 5 years ago. I remember how hesitant I felt to become a part of the yoga community but the yoga tribe embraced me as I learned to embrace myself through the work I have been doing with David and Pat Donaher. My Spirit is nourished during my yoga practice as metaphors abound for the physical practice of yoga with wisdom for living.

The holidays are here and I was immersed in a profound grieving process. I saw a post on Facebook this morning:

I am choosing to focus on the incredible blessings in my life and celebrate light and life this holiday season. During yesterday's session with David, he reminded me of something he had said before about compassion. He talks about holding a space in one's heart for possibility for those who may have hurt us or those who walk on a path that is profoundly different from ours. Compassion and forgiveness are wonderful healing balms for grief. Holding a space for my brother and son and other family members this holiday season frees me from the pain and pangs of loss and moves me into the light where I am able to accentuate the positive.

May you allow yourself the grace and love to accentuate the positive. Feel the Love and let it nourish every fiber of your being. We do not get to choose our circumstances but we do get to choose how we view them - blessing or curse. Even in hours of sadness and darkness, always know that there is light and move toward it knowing that it only takes one spark to change darkness into light.

The Art of Letting Go from the soon to be released Songs of Freedom:Poems from a Healing Odyssey

Allowing myself to see things as they really are
sheds light on all that went before
opening the door to healing.

Detachment and observation the keys to the prison door
courage to feel all the pain
tears lavage my broken heart.

Cauldron of emotions reaches a boiling pot but never overflows
surfacing from the pain with deep breaths of new life
the joy far deeper and greater than the pain.

Easy to cling to the pain and suffer
immobilized by the profoundity of it all
therein lies the art of letting go.

From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude,
Mary

Happiness and Comfort

2011-12-14T10:48:00.000-08:00

In this morning's yoga class with Pat Donaher, I had a shift in my yoga practice. This little voice (that's growing by the minute) said, 'Slow down. Own your practice." Simon and Garfunkel were not playing in the background singing you've got to make the morning last but I did start to feel groovy in my practice. I could feel myself shedding the part of myself that pushes to keep up with everyone else. The image and that feeling of running with a full leg brace trying to keep up with my friends suddenly disappeared. It was me on my mat. I took my time opening up to Warrior II and even though it's new and wobbly at times,and a work in progress, it's this magnificent feeling of owning my practice and claiming my body. It was a small class today so Pat had asked if there were any requests. I had asked for quad stretches. When we did Dancer Pose today, I moved slowly into the pose as I found my gazing point and I allowed the energy to rise up within me. As we moved into a back bend at the wall with a quad stretch, I took my time to find my way into the pose. I could feel there was movement with deliberate intention and Pat commented that it was 'nice proprioception'. I was on a yoga high after class not so much because of what I did but because of how I felt in my body. As fear and trauma leave my body, there is room to explore and discover and move with greater freedom and trust. Happiness is....

As David Vendetti began yoga class this past Sunday he talked about finding a comfortable seat. I've been reflecting on the whole idea of comfort. Comfort and I have been strangers and not on speaking terms. Beginning at age 5, when I contracted paralytic polio, a life of discomfort began. There were no adults in my family who were comfortable in their own skin so how could they possibly provide me with the comfort, support and love I needed to be nurtured and nourished. The past several nights I had a lot of difficulty falling asleep. My body was back in the Bronx at my grandparents' house where discomfort and abuse reigned. I listened to what my body had to say and then, after turning up the heat in my own home (literally by turning up the thermostat and metaphorically by making an inward shift) I said, "It's time to get over yourself girl - let's experience comfort."

In Monday's yoga class with David, he talked about snuggling up to your bolster like it was your favorite stuffed animal. My favorite stuffed animal absorbed my pain but I didn't know how to experience comfort so last night I hugged my pillow and focused on all the details of the soft sheets, my comforter keeping me warm and how my husband's snoring provides me with a sense of comfort. I am learning how to experience comfort from my husband's hug and gestures of tenderness which before now, I would bristle at which was not a function of him but rather my inability on a cellular level to experience his warmth. It was foreign and uncomfortable because it touched the pain of what I did not have. But now that I have allowed my body to speak its discomfort, I have created the space to allow comfort to come into my life. Happiness is....

During today's body work session with David, I made a conscious effort to move my fear out of the way so I could experience his touch. When Pat Donaher suggested that I begin to massage my elbows and knees with olive oil, I became keenly aware of how much touch deprivation and violence I absorbed into my body. By moving the trauma up and out, I am discovering sensations of comfort, nourishment and nurturing. I am so blessed and grateful to have David as my KMI Body Worker, trusted friend and teacher. In yoga class he talked about having a collection of nice things we do for our bodies - such as stretching at the end of a practice or taking a bubble bath with epsom salts. At first I could feel my body bristle at all of these suggestions. I realize that part of my trembling during body work was the activation of body memories not knowing how to take in nurturing and appropriate touch. Even when there is pain associated with the work, I breathed and stayed with it. The trembling is the state in between disconnection/dissociation and allowing myself to take in the healing, physical touch. Today there was only a little trembling at the beginning of the session. I felt the comfort of the body work table and allowed myself to experience the power of healing human touch. Happiness is...

I recall the words of Ana Forrest when she addresses the issue of why didn't I do this work sooner. Look at all the wasted time. I couldn't have done anything differently. My journey has its own timing and everything unfolded exactly as it was meant to unfold. When the student is ready two unbelievable teachers appeared in my life. They are my guides into this land of uncharted territory of happiness and comfort. Their hearts, their love, their sense of humor, their wisdom, skill and knowledge provide me with the compass that has led me into the heartland of happiness and comfort. Happiness is....

From my heart to yours
With love, compassion and gratitude
Mary